The Lesson I Preach But Struggle to Practice

“Hi! How are you?” they ask. 

“I’m good! Tired. Busy. But good!!!” I respond, through tired eyes and a worn down body and mind. But with enthusiasm!!

If any one of my clients answered the “how are you” question the same way I do, I would sure as hell not let it slide. I’d ask more questions - how tired are you? Have you been sleeping well? Are you feeling more stress than usual this week? And I’d tailor their workout of the day and any nutrition advice I give based on their answers to those questions. 

That’s how I coach. Yes, every workout is important, and ideally, my clients would tell me they’re feeling great - they sleep well, eat all their protein and veggies, stay hydrated, and are ready to train hard and effectively that day. But we don’t live in a perfect world, so my job is to help them perfect their routine and their habits to boost resilience to whatever stressors the imperfect world throws at them. 

REST. Rest is essential. 

Last week, one of my clients showed up to our session and didn’t even let me ask how she was doing before she said, “Haley, I’m exhausted beyond measure and stressed out of my mind. Can we please just go for a long walk tonight? I really need to vent and get some fresh air.” 

YES WE CAN. I needed the fresh air, too, but I agreed immediately and felt so so proud of my client for asking that question because it meant she understood the importance of rest, of taking it easy when life feels extremely difficult. 

Later that night, I posted this rest-is-essential reminder on my Instagram in hopes that it would reach more people who needed to hear it. I think it did, so mission: accomplished. But the person who really really REALLY needs to hear it is the one who says it over and over again to her clients. Me. 

Life has been effing crazy since November last year, and it only got crazier post break-up LOL. The company I loved with every ounce of my being was pulled out from underneath me and I had to start building a new foundation - my own company. I’M SO GRATEFUL for every single client, every single supporter who has been by my side throughout this helluva process. I’ve never once felt alone or as anxious as I feared I might. That’s pretty damn incredible. 

I do, however, feel exhausted and that’s on no one else but myself. Building a business and running it alone is no joke. Training 15 amazing humans for 1-3 hours each every week is no joke. Also, raising a puppy…. Don’t even get me started. 

My exhaustion manifests in: digestive issues, mood swings (you won’t  want to be around me), and hormone disruptions - all of which can contribute to a vicious cycle of constant exhaustion. For 75% of the last 4 months, I’ve felt exhausted. 

I called my mom on the way home from my last session of a 12-hour day recently and when she asked “how are you?” I said, “Mom, listen to me. I am exhausted. I need both you and myself to hear me say those words, because otherwise, I won’t slow down and I won’t make the changes I need to make to feel better.” Writing this blog post will seal that deal. 

Like I did with my client the night before, my mom listened and nodded her head and said “mmmhm” just like I needed her to. “I don’t need advice or resources - I know what I need to do and I just need to do it. My body is not superhuman. I cannot keep expecting it to handle this unsustainable lifestyle.” I said.

I’m not changing my career or taking on fewer clients or anything like that. Not gonna’ happen. What I am going to do is start S L O W I N G  D O W N. Scheduling more days and nights for myself every week. Sitting in silence more often. Stretching after every workout. Taking a deep breath multiple times throughout the day. And the list goes on. 

These might sound like such simple tasks, but they can make all the difference in reducing stress levels if they aren’t already part of a healthy lifestyle. 

So, here’s my reminder to you, because I know I’m not the only one out there who struggles with chronically doing too much. 

Your worth is not defined by how much you accomplish. Your worth is inherently YOU. 

Take good care of YOU.

2022 Reflections // 2023 Intentions

I’ve never been one to set New Year’s Resolutions. But the New-Year energy is hard to ignore - how can I not make some sort of promise to myself for the upcoming year? 

A friend of mine shared with me her tradition of setting a word for each year, instead of a resolution. For 2022, I chose  “resolute”. Coincidence? Actually, yes. Exactly one year ago today, I had no idea what the coming 12 months would bring (and boy, was I in for a ride). Sure, I couldn’t wait to start my personal training career at Resolute Fitness, but did I predict a promotion to Chief Operations Officer 3 months in? Absolutely not. 

I just resonated so deeply with the definition of “resolute”: admirably purposeful, determined, unwavering (1). Three other synonyms that stood out to me were “confidence”, “passion”, and “drive”. As I reflected on 2021, all of these were qualities I was missing, and desperately craving. “Resolute” ignited an inner drive I hadn’t felt in so long… if ever. 

2022 brought a handful of triumphs and accomplishments, and another handful of uncertainty and challenges. Nonetheless, I pushed myself closer and closer to Resolute (both the company and the adjective), rebuilding confidence, pursuing my passion, and sustaining the drive. 

Chapter 2022 ended in both major loss and major gain. Losing what could have been, and gaining back an ever-evolving better version of myself. I’m stepping into 2023 with a firm definition of “resolute” in my own life, and a heart that is so ready to live out that definition. 

Confidence. Passion. Drive. 

Confidence - it’s not something you get. It’s something you create for yourself. Confidence doesn’t come from the outside - it comes from within. 

Passion - what are we living for, if not our unique passions? This, I think, is at the core of what makes us each the individual that we are. 

Drive - relentlessly pursue that passion with unbreakable confidence. 

Maybe you’ve already set your resolutions or goals or whatever tradition you partake in each year. I just hope this ignites your desire to pursue that. Give it your all. And do it for YOU. because you are the most important investment you will ever make.

What would your 2023 word be? Take some time to think - reflect on the past year, and set intentions for the upcoming year. Once you find it, write it down everywhere. Post it anywhere and everywhere you’ll see it. Pursue it relentlessly.

Change

I always feel the need to explain myself when I’ve been absent on any platform for a few weeks, and I don’t really know why. Realistically, no one really notices, right?

Well, if you didn’t notice, I haven’t written any new blog posts over the last few weeks because my brain just hasn’t had the bandwidth for it. Things have been changing - big time - so I’ve given myself the time and space needed to process it all.

Change.

Is it just me, or when you hear that word, do you also feel a bit of anxiety and discomfort? I do, almost every single time. In fact, I can feel my heart racing a liiiiiittle faster right now. Change - for better or worse - is hard. So hard, especially for those of us who thrive in routine, consistency, and our comfort zones.

But here’s the thing - if we aren’t periodically checking in with ourselves, disrupting the consistency of our everyday routines and stepping outside of our comfort zones to ask how we’re doing (yes, talk to yourself), we can overlook signs telling us something is off. Checking in can be uncomfortable, and potentially exposing a need for change can be nerve-racking, but what’s worse - living out of alignment with who you are meant to be or pushing through temporary pain and discomfort to reach the YOU you’ve always wanted to be?

Personally, I think the former is worse.

So I chose change.

And let me tell you: it was the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make in my life. Choosing pain for myself and for another person whom I’ve loved with all my heart. It’s strange to say that I knew I was making the right decision when that pain was the immediate result, but that’s just what happens sometimes. The easy decision, on the other hand, is not always the right decision. The hard decision can be both the right decision AND the hardest decision (like… ever).

What it comes down to, for me at least, is this:

Regardless of who is around you, YOU are the person you come home to every night. You are the person you fall asleep with. You are the person you make decisions with and for. You are the person you speak to before everyone else. You are the person who digests your thoughts and feelings, and the words of others.

You are the most important person, and yours is the most important opinion, in your own life. If you are not happy with a part of it, only you can change it. If you choose not to change it, only you can sit with that. If you do choose to change it, only you can really pick yourself up.

And at the end of the day, only you are the one who can truly be happy or unhappy with who you are.

I’m not trying to emphasize the pain of this recent decision to ask for pity. Rather, I know many family and friends will be reading this, and therefore have a deeper connection to those of us involved. And I care about these people and this person almost more than I ever thought possible.

I’ve moved and gotten my own apartment, and I’m just kind of living on my own. Just living, processing, working, and spending time with myself. It was quite an adjustment, but I’m proud of myself for feeling everything and processing fully so that now I can just… be. Now I can move forward and move into growth.

My hope is that these words inspire someone to approach change, or the potential for it, with courage, confidence, and self-love. You don’t need to be fearless - heck, I certainly wasn’t. Stay rooted in yourself, and the second you feel your roots beginning to disconnect, know that it’s time for a change.

Be courageous. Live with confidence. And never stop loving yourself first.

BACK AT IT!

Happy 8th birthday (plus 2 months) to this blog! My little corner of the internet that I just can’t seem to escape from.

Through all of the ups and downs and changes and same-olds over the last 8 years, this blog has always felt like home. Sure, I’ve walked away from it at times, but I’ve always come back, just like I’m doing now.

Most recently, I think I took a step back because - I hate to admit it - the pressure of page views and pretty pictures became overwhelming. Also, work has picked up speed and, most days, I wonder how I’m supposed to fit all my to-do’s into my 17 waking hours. I’m sure you can all relate to that feeling.

And hopefully you have one thing - one hobby, one activity, one bit of “you” time - that taps you on your shoulder and calls you back home. For me, that’s this. I’m happy to be here.

Some things are going to change, or I guess just go back to the way I intended for them to be here! This time, I refuse to worry about numbers. If one person reads my posts, hey, I’m so happy you and only you are here! I hope you love what you read. I also refuse to spend more than 3 minutes making a photo look nice or editing it beyond recognition. Whatever you see here is exactly what it is. I don’t even have the Photoshop app on my computer anymore.

And finally, you may have noticed that the Recipes page I mostly frequently posted on is not available for viewing. I’m sorry!! I just don’t align with those recipes anymore. Yes, they’re delicious, and maybe if you ask nicely and promise me you’re staying physically active and eating your greens I’ll email one to you. But I’m going to start sharing more of the recipes I use on a daily and weekly basis. Ones that DO align with me and my values and my nutrition and food philosophy. They will still be delicious. And they’ll be even more nutritious.

There is just no way to make the combination of delicious + nutritious not sound cheesy.

The only things I ask of you are to 1) please come back. Please read and please share anything you find interesting, helpful, funny, or just cool with someone who also enjoy it. And 2) if you have any questions or requests for a post, PLEASE tell me! I can always use the inspiration and creativity boost, and I love knowing that what I write is highly requested by my valued readers.

Thank you, and I’m so so so happy to be back.

Life Update (It's been a while!)

I feel like nobody reads blog posts anymore. Everybody’s watching everybody else’s life on YouTube, TikTok, or Instagram stories. That’s fine, I’ll still be here writing (typing) away. 

It’s been about 6 months since my last life update, and boy, are we due for a new one. So much has changed! I miss blogging, writing, and staying connected to my little home on the internet. I just have very little time or energy these days (which is exactly what I said almost a year ago now) to dedicate to this space. I’m sad about that, but it is what it is for now. 

Job: 

I’m almost at the one-year mark at my job! For anyone new, I’m a corporate wellness event planner for an office building in downtown Minneapolis. Yes, I’m in downtown Minneapolis, and I’m happy to say that it seems like the city is coming back to life! Slowly, but surely. Employees are returning to the office. Skyways are beginning to bustle during the lunch hours. It’s very exciting for me because, let me tell ya’, it’s tricky to be an event planner when everyone is sick of virtual events but not yet back in the office to attend in-person events. Just saying. 

I love my job - I really really do. And I work with an amazing team of inspiring, passionate, and supportive individuals. It’s a demanding job, both mentally and physically. It keeps me on my toes most of the time (so I do get all my steps in!) and it challenges my creativity. However, it’s not my passion. It doesn’t fulfill me the way I would really want a career to. I talked to Brandon about this the night before I was to return to work, and as I anxiously shed a few tears, he reminded me that I’m only 24 and I don’t need to be set in my career just yet. I have so much time to pursue my true passion. Soak up this experience while I have the opportunity, and learn all that I can with the resources available to propel me towards whatever comes next. 

My dad said this was a very mature attitude to have, so I was pretty pumped about that. #adulting

Diet: 

Since about mid-March, I’ve been dealing with some tummy issues - indigestion, bloating, constipation, and the like. I hope that’s not TMI, it’s just honesty. That really weighed me down, both mentally and physically. Anyone who has ever dealt with prolonged tummy issues will absolutely agree that 1) they suck in general and 2) they suck the energy out of you. I felt like I was doing pretty much everything right - eating all my fruits, veggies, and whole grains, getting my exercise, staying hydrated, sleeping pretty well, and more. Still, I couldn’t last more than 2-3 days a week without tummy symptoms. 

As I do, when I have questions, I did some research and what I found, I wanted to avoid. I didn’t want to cut out foods or be “restrictive” in any sense of the word because I’ve been there before and, looking back, I hate thinking about how much I missed out on. But as I thought about it more and more, I realized I was still missing out on so much of my life. I couldn’t focus at work, I felt uncomfortable after almost every meal, I was becoming moody and irritable around the people I love most, and I wasn’t able to progress in the gym. 

So I did it. I followed and still am following - not perfectly, but very closely - a paleo(ish) diet. I don’t eat gluten, grains or beans, I avoid dairy as much as possible, I stopped eating highly processed foods (which, let’s be honest, was mainly my favorite donut from Cardigan Donuts in Minneapolis), and I cut way back on the alcohol consumption. After about a week, I FELT SO MUCH BETTER. I actually felt hungry in the morning after my workouts, I could focus all day at work, I could… um… eat! 

Three weeks in and I still feel so good. So stinkin’ good. I will very likely try to reintroduce grains at some point soon because let me ya’ somethin’ - I’m really craving a pizza. I also don’t think it’s these foods that directly caused the tummy issues. Rather, I’d guess it was a combination of poorly managing stress, overexercising, and eating a few too many fried foods paired with alcoholic beverages (classic situation). So yes, I’m working on those things in addition to following a paleo(ish) diet. 

One thing I include in my daily routine that has helped SO incredibly much is Gut Power Drinks (this is not sponsored) - it’s a blend of pre- and probiotics in a highly tolerable dose and form, developed by a registered dietitian who specializes in gut health. I mix a scoop of the cocoa flavor into my coffee, along with a splash of almond milk, honey, and vanilla extract. I also love the matcha and coffee flavors! This stuff is the best and has been instrumental in restoring my tummy health. Try some! Use “HUNGRYHALEY” at checkout for 15% off your first order. Download the Gut Power Challenge, while you’re there.

Everyday life (outside of my job): 

Wellllllll I kind of have a new roommate! Two, actually. Brandon and Lily (the dog, if you’re new here) have been staying with me for the last few months and we decided we really like it. We live well together. At the end of the summer, we’ll have our own place! We’re undecided on whether that will be an apartment south of Minneapolis or a condo closer to downtown, and we won’t know yet for a few months. That’s okay, we’re just excited. :) 

Also, Brandon and I are the absolute worst about taking pictures together, but we’re both really good at taking pictures of Lily, which you’d probably enjoy more, anyway, so here you go.

Things in Minneapolis are opening up! In fact, Governor Walz just announced that all restrictions will be lifted by July 1st, or whenever the state of MN reaches 70% vaccination. I repeat - all restrictions lifted. A normal summer! WHAT. Yes please. Yes pleeeeeeease. I’m ready for Twins games, restaurants and bars, family gatherings, and touching shoulders and seeing people smile and all that good stuff we’ve missed out on for a long a$$ time. 

Thankfully, our families have been able to get vaccinated quickly, so we’re able to see them on a regular basis without any worry. Both Brandon and I are halfway vaccinated. I cried a little bit, honestly - it was just so incredible seeing the vaccinations taking place. This is something that, a year ago, we could barely even dream of and now, here we are. We’re really fortunate for all that we have, and all that we are able to do.

Training: 

I AM accepting new clients! Work one-on-one with me, a certified personal trainer, for customized workout programs - gym, home, minimal equipment, and more options. Send me an email and let’s get started! I’m also working on developing some 8 and 12 week workout guides - for anyone who just wants the workouts without the 1-on-1 coaching, these will be perfect. I can’t wait to release them!

Updated Apartment Tour: Holiday Edition

HAPPY HOLIDAYS! Let’s multiply that times 20 though because it’s 2020 and it’s. been. a. year. so we need extra holiday cheer. We need like 10 Will Ferrells dressed as uncomfortably large and loud elves.

Anywho, welcome back to my apartment! I moved in June and only recently started feeling actually settled in, thanks to some small and some much larger updates. It’s a teeny, tiny space now with the additions, but it’s home. I should probably come right out and warn those who are… um, extra concerned about things being straight and perfectly lined up and matching and all that. You’ll see a few situations where that is not the case in my apartment, and I’m not bugged by it! That’s just me. ☺️

As was the case in the first apartment tour, most if not all of the decor is from Target or TJ Maxx, if you’re wondering. Like I always say, we are ballin’ on a budget in this apartment!

We’ve had this Christmas countdown calendar in our family for as long as I can remember, perhaps even longer. This year, with all of us being apartment for most of the days leading up to Christmas Eve (when we will celebrate together), my parents split the decorations amongst my themselves, my brother, and me. I’m the lucky duck who got the countdown calendar!

The most important and most frequently occupied area: the kitchen. You probably guessed that. When I first moved in, many of the cabinets and much of the counter space was empty, but that’s all changed by now. I’ve done my best to purchase only the essentials, and I’ve succeeded at times and failed at others. It all just comes down to the fact that… I have a small apartment. ☺️

My kitchen island is doubling as my work-from-home desk right now, so I keep it cleeee-eeee-eeeeean at all times, whether I’m working or cooking or eating or sitting on the couch. Because it has multiples roles, I keep it *almost* spotless *almost* all the time, except for these essentials at one end: a seasonal candle, a pen holder, and two photos of two of my favorite people (grandma on the right and grandpa on the left). It also has some shelves, which you’ll see in other photos, and I use those for storing tupperware and pots and pans on one side, and mail, to-do lists, etc. and dog toys on the other. How functional is that?!

Here’s my cute new bar/coffee cart! The first thing my eyes see are the two crooked shelves at the bottom that I am way too lazy to fix. Ignore those if you can, please! Because I’m not adventurous enough with my coffee or my alcohol, I couldn’t justify setting up a cart for either one, so I combined the two and it works perfectly. My coffee maker is a Hamilton Beach 12-Cup Programmable Coffee Maker in black and I snatched it up on super-duper sale right before Black Friday at Target. Score! It makes delicious coffee. I’m currently drinking Dunn Brothers - medium roast, please! - on an almost daily basis, and I’m about to pick up a caramel roast from Caribou Coffee that my boyfriend’s sister-in-law always has. It smells like the holidays in a cup and I just need it.

At around the same time I purchased the cart, I also invested in/splurged on a Toshiba 43” Smart Fire TV. If you know me, you might be asking if I actually did buy a TV. Well, I did! And I love it. It was, like the coffee maker, also on super-duper pre-Black Friday sale at Best Buy. I’m so so soooo happy I made this purchase! I don’t watch a ton of TV “in normal times”, but these aren’t normal times and winter is here, so I’m watching more TV. That’s that on that.

Some additions to my cozy little living room since your last visit are the dumbbells and yoga mat underneath the couch, so now it’s not only a living room and an office, but also a gym! So versatile. So functional (kind of). That big gray pillow on the couch is also new, and it’s just one of two I splurged on at Target. Holy moly - these pillows are incredible! They’re softer than you could ever imagine, and they hold their fluffiness pretty well through the night. The little pup stuffed animal next to the pillow is meant to be heated and placed over my tummy during that time of the month, and boy oh boy, he comes in handy. I keep him close by when I know the time is coming.

And last but not least, some accessory pieces! One of my best friends from college handmade this sign above the tree, and I am so going to keep it for years to come. It’s one of my first very own holiday decorations, and it’s made by hand by one of my best friends!

My cute little side table is one of my favorite pieces of furniture. That coaster tray holds my coffee cup in the morning, my water glass for the rest of the day, and my wine glass at night. You know, any other year, you’d wonder why in the world I’m sitting on my couch all day. It’s 2020, though, so you know why. I LOVE these sparkly Christmas trees (thank you, Target dollar section) and the gnome my mom donated, too. Fun fact: I didn’t know these guys were gnomes for the longest time - I just thought they were little Santa figurines so I called them “blind Santas”. Obviously, I know now that they are gnomes, but “blind Santas” has a better ring to it, I think.

Well, happy holidays from me and my 589 square feet of Minneapolis! I hope these photos helped spread some holiday cheer, and maybe even provide some decoration inspiration. Stay cozy, stay healthy, and I’ll see you again soon!

My Minneapolis Studio Apartment Tour!

WELCOME! This is my home and I am so incredibly happy here. I fell in love with this space the minute I walked in and I’ve only grown to love it more and more each day. It’s my first very own apartment and I’m here now to give you a virtual tour! I’ve linked as much of the furniture and decor as possible. You’ll see that most of it is from Target, of course, especially the large furniture pieces. The smaller decorations are from either Target, TJ Maxx, or Cotton On. Though I wish I could say so, I didn’t stick to an exact budget - it was just too stressful. I prioritized quality of furniture while comparing prices between Target, IKEA, Facebook Marketplace, etc. Then, I considered the delivery process - ease, timeline, etc. Clearly, Target won the competition and I can happily say I got ALL of this for less than $1,500.

For anyone considering moving to the Minneapolis area and still apartment-hunting, if you’re interested in this apartment building, it’s brand new and has tons of beautiful units available for a very competitive price. Message me for details and I’m happy to share more information!

Without further ado, come on in!

LIVING ROOM

I live in what is now known as an “alcove” - it’s like a studio, but with a 3/4 wall dividing the bedroom and the living room. My unit is 589 square feet, which I’ve found is just enough for me, and the ceilings are 12 feet up, which makes it feel so much bigger and more spacious than it actually is. The gray couch, pictured here, is unfortunately no longer available at Target, but the link below will take you to the online page with several similar models within the same price range. The pink-ish chair is still available! In front of the chair, the circular ottoman is from TJ Maxx - Mom found that one for me, and I was skeptical about the colors at first (the gold legs bothered me), but I’m starting to like them now. Above the couch, Mom hung three of her original pieces, and I’ve linked her online store below if you’re interested in some handmade customizable artwork! Oh, and the string lantern lights are from Target, too!

This is my favorite picture :) For some perspective, I’m standing in the kitchen while taking this photo, and you’ll see the kitchen next. Don’t you just LOVE that chair?! I love that chair. I rarely ever sit in it, but I love it and I’ve linked it below. Right next to the chair is the bookshelf, which I was anticipating to look emptier than it does, but I guess I have more cookbooks and reading books than I thought. Not surprised. And on the other side of the chair is the side table - I’m extra proud because I set that up myself and it hasn’t crumbled to pieces (yet).

KITCHEN

I mean come on, how gorgeous is she! From where I am standing in this photo, the living room is behind me and the patio is to my left (the patio was also a huge selling point and you’ll see that soon). My KitchenAid stand-mixer was a Christmas gift last year and I haven’t gotten to use it much - I left in Minnesota because I was still living in California at the time and didn’t want to lug it on the plane or worry about shipping it. Alas, it’s now perched on my very own kitchen counter and it fits perfectly! Yes, there are dirty dishes in the sink. Real life, people. Those kitchen towels are a find from TJ Maxx - thanks Mom!

And here’s a close-up of my little teeny tiny coffee corner! I like it here because it’s right next to the patio and I absolutely love opening the blinds first thing when I wake up, just before I make coffee. It’s a simple coffee corner because that’s how I like my coffee. Right now I’m using a blend of the Caribou Mahogany roast and the Dunn Brother's Peru roast. As for the coffee maker… it’s okaaaay, which is why it isn’t linked (but if you really want to know, ask me and I will gladly share). I could have and should have invested a bit more into it, but for now, it does the trick and when I have the resources, I’ll spend them on a better coffee maker. The wall art is a few years old from Chickpea Magazine - I’ve linked their online store below and although you won’t find these exact pieces, you will find similar and just-as-adorable pieces!

As you can see, this is the other half of the kitchen. Plenty of counter space and fridge space for just one person! And I have a lot of kitchen stuff and I tend to also have quite a bit of food. That H marquee light is from Cotton On and was kind of an impulse-buy because it was clearance. Look how cute it is though! While the H might not still be available (I grabbed one of the last few), I’ve linked the online store below if your name begins with a different letter. H is quite popular, I guess.

BEDROOM

This is the room I spent the least amount of my awake time each day. I’m in here reading about a half-hour before bed and maybe five minutes after my alarm goes off (unless I press snooze… which is rare). So, again, I kept it simple. I opted for a queen-size bed because I knew for sure I could fit this size with a small nightstand and still have some walking space on both sides of the bed. I’ve linked the mattress below, but like the coffee maker, I could’ve invested a bit more here. I’m not a picky sleeper and I would rather sleep on a firm mattress than a soft one, so this one works for me, but I would recommend spending a bit more and testing out multiple mattresses before you make your final choice if you do have a specific preference. The bed frame I LOVE - I think it makes a simple room feel a bit more bold, but without being, like, you know… too much. It’s also from Target and it’s also linked below.

The nightstand is another addition I’m quite proud of for the same reason as the side table - I set it up all by myself and it’s a sturdy little thing!

BATHROOM

And now for the least attractive part - the bathroom! I don’t have a ton to say about this space, other than the fact that I’m grateful for a bathtub, a large countertop, and tall ceilings. The shower is from - take a guess - Target! My mom snagged it off the clearance rack, so I can’t imagine you’ll find this exact one, but it’s Target, so they’re guaranteed to have one similar sometime soon or at least another one that you’ll like.

AAAAND, THE VIEW!

I can’t pick a favorite part of the apartment… okay okay FINE it’s this. The view is, um, fantastic! Morning, noon, and night, I love sitting on the couch and seeing this in the background. I’m close enough to the city that I can make it to work in 15 minutes or less, but far enough away that I can sleep in peace each night, see some trees, and feel like I live in an actual neighborhood.

I could stare at this all day, and it’s Saturday (as I type this), so I certainly will :)

Thanks for taking the tour with me! I hope you’re able to find some cute, functional, and affordable furniture for your home :)

Little Things (gratitude amidst a pandemic)

This is a challenging, scary, stressful, and anxious time for the individual, the family, the community, the state, the country, and the world. We are desperately in need of so many things - medical equipment, good leadership, answers, loved ones, and more. At the same time, much of the current situation is out of your control and mine. Other than practicing social distancing, staying at home, washing our hands, and staying educated, we can’t do much else to regain our old sense of normalcy.

Next to a long list of can’t-control things stands one can-control with incredible comforting and healing powers: and that’s gratitude. Make it a daily practice, as often as washing your hands, to feel it transform your days. Here’s my gratitude list. Yeah, it’s a lot of quarantine things, probably similar to how yours looks. That’s life right now.

Home-cooked, comfort-food meals

Within a matter of days, Mom, Dad, and I acquired three more bodies in our house, now that my brother, sister-in-law, and nephew (!!!) rushed their move-in date from late May of this year to late March. So instead of cooking for three and boxing up leftovers after dinner, I’m multiplying ingredients and recipes and we’re all cleaning our plates at the end of the meal. I certainly do not mind two additional, appreciative, and very hungry taste-testers (my nephew sticks mostly to breast-milk) at the table!

The photo above is one of a big batch of homemade ham and spinach mac and cheese - a dish Dad and I normally reserve for the days following Christmas and Easter, when we have 3/4 of a giant ham consuming most of our fridge space. But, since the days are blending together and we’re cooking at home more than ever before, we decided not to wait for the post-holiday-days. This is a recipe based off a basic one from 365 Ways to Cook Pasta - I spiced it up a little bit and will be sharing the recipe here later this week!

Speaking of cheesy crowd-pleasing meals - enchiladas! I always underestimate this dish. In my opinion, restaurant, store-bought, and take-out versions always seem mushy with refried beans and overstuffed with rice, an unnecessary addition. Making a pan of enchiladas at home is my favorite way to make them, and no, I’m not biased. I just know what I like. When I’m feeling like it, I’ll roll them up and snuggle one stuffed tortilla next to another, but lately, I’ve been loving - and my taste-testers strongly agree with me - layers of tortilla, chicken, veggies, cheese, beans, and sauce.

Like the mac and cheese, my version of this classic crowd-pleasing comfort food will be on the blog in the coming week or two. The only question remaining is: rolls or layers??

Baking (mainly the Comfort Cookies)

In a baking mood (like 90% of my life) one Monday afternoon, I dug through the pantry to find my go-to cookie ingredients: turbinado sugar, whole-wheat pastry flour, and big dark chocolate chunks. For the first time in a long time, our pantry contained not a single one of those ingredients. Instead, we had all-purpose flour, brown sugar, and - my least favorite - miniature milk chocolate chips. I could’ve surrendered, walked away from the pantry and brushed the little baking fairy off my shoulder on that Monday afternoon. As you probably guess, I did not surrender - I walked right into that pantry with the baking fairy on my shoulder encouraging me to make do with what we had on hand.

And I’m darn glad I did that because look what I - no, we - have been rewarded with! Crispy-edged, gooey-centered chocolate chip (both milk and dark) cookies. I shall call them “comfort cookies”, a name that seems most fitting these days.

Get the recipe here!

My people

So many of my friends and peers are living alone right now because that was their situation before the pandemic, or because they just don’t want to go home to their older parents and put them at a high risk of infection. I feel so lucky in my situation, having been at home with my parents for almost six months now, in the suburbs (far from Minnesota’s main metropolitan area), and at a relatively low risk. Though I sometimes go a little stir-crazy and feel desperately in need of both alone time and interaction with young adults - an age group I haven’t seen or spoken to in almost two months now - I’m incredibly thankful that I can physically hold my loved ones close in this season of life.

Also, I’m an AUNT! Pictured above are Grandma and Grandpa Hansen holding sweet little baby Judah before we put him to bed. He gives light to our cloudiest days, and I love him more than I thought was possible.

Small gestures with big impacts

Period information is not - and should not be - TMI for anyone, so here goes. My symptoms have been borderline unbearable on the first day of my period, and last Saturday, they hit me like a freight train - cramps, nausea, fatigue, and lower back pain took up most of my energy that day. At least I was locked inside by rain and stay-at-home orders! To ease the pain and discomfort, I kept a bottle of Midol nearby (and followed the dosage instructions - don’t worry) and a muscle-relaxing heat pad on my lower abdomen most of the day.

Thennnnnn… wait for it…

I got a sweet text from my guy telling me to check my doorstep for a little package he’d dropped off: our first picture picture together-ish (our hands, at least), my favorite candy that I rarely buy for myself, and not just one, but TWO bottles of my favorite wine from San Luis Obispo! He’s officially a keeper. Thanks Brandon :)

Anyone else feel like they might head straight for the Olympic speed-walking team when all this is over? Just me? Cool.

Well, my daily walks bring me buckets of joy, and seeing the sidewalk-chalk artwork by the kiddos in my neighborhood multiplies those buckets by ten. Whether their parents prompt these uplifting notes, I don’t know and I don’t care, because they’re adorable and encouraging. Childlike joy and hope, I believe, can fill some of our heart’s deepest needs right now.

Reading

Things I read: the newspaper, online news articles, the NYT Food column, Bon Appetit’s Highly Recommend and anything by Carla Lalli Music, mine and my dad’s writing (proof-reading), and a few books I always keep on my nightstand. These days, I need a break from the news, and I rely on the few books on my nightstand to bring me out of a news-rut. I just finished Harry Potter, book #1, and I’m waiting for book #2 to arrive, which probably won’t be until the pandemic subsides. Until then, I’m seeking out a light-hearted read - any recommendations? Comment below!

Spending time in the sun

Spring is spring-ing! And it’s doing so right at the time we Minnesotans need it most. The sunshine does, however, make staying home and away from popular lakes and gathering a little difficult, BUT it’s necessary and the sooner we start distancing and staying home, the sooner we can get back out there. Thankfully, staying home doesn’t mean staying indoors at all times. We like to make use of the deck in our backyard and the porch in our front yard on sunny days like this one. With a big snack plate on the table and a drink in hand for each of us, we perch ourselves on the porch for as long as the sun shines. I used to take this for granted and preferred happy hours at on a restaurant or brewery patio, but now, without those options, this is like a little slice of heaven.

My go-to cocktail lately: a glass of kombucha with a shot of vodka, stirred not shaken (do not shake kombucha).

Your turn! Tell me - what are you grateful for right now?

Thanks for reading! I hope this post brought some light to what may be some dark days for you. More importantly, I hope you’re encouraged to cultivate gratitude in your everyday life. I promise you - a daily gratitude practice makes such a difference.

Little Things

Gratitude is a practice, not just a feeling. It’s a decision, one we can make everyday to show our appreciation and embrace the joy of contentment. It’s a decision I try to make every morning to begin my day on a positive note. Listing even just two or three things can help me focus on what I have, rather than what I’m wishing for. And after a long season of loss, that shift of focus makes all the difference. So, here are a few of the little things I’ve felt incredible gratitude for lately.

Dog cuddles. DOG. CUDDLES. It’s scientifically proven that cuddling can help reduce stress levels, and dogs are better than boys (most humans in general, actually) 99% of the time, so… there’s that. Since we lost Maggie a few months ago, I’ve been cherishing every moment - every pet, every lick, every tail wag - with other pups because they are just so precious. Fortunately, my friend Nicole always lets me cuddle her pup, Maya, when we’re together. Grieving the loss of a pet is a whole new ball game for my family, and we are not trying to rush the process. However, I’m not not saying there won’t ever be another pup in the family.

I have friends! I really do, and they’re wonderful. People always ask how we met, given that I didn’t know anyone when I moved here. Who’da thunk Hungry Haley would allow me to meet actual friends?! I’m thankful with every ounce of my being for these two goofy girls who have helped make Minnesota feel like home. Just before Christmas, we got together to make dozens - yes, dozens - of Christmas cookies. Why dozens? Because we can’t plan well and because Nicole (who is on the left, and Kathryn on the right) really likes cookies, apparently.

Okay, here’s an absolute favorite that, hopefully, Dad won’t grumble about. How cute, right?! Also, yes, I’m 23 and still sleep with a teddy bear - just the brown one because the other two squeak when squozen (past tense of squeeze?) and that just won’t do in the middle of the night. This is one of those warm-and-fuzzy moments when I can’t help but think how grateful I am to be home with my parents and best friends right now. Thank you, Mom and Dad, for letting me come crash the party and take over the kitchen!

Scenes like this make me an extra enthusiastic morning person - that bright and twinkly tree, warm cup of coffee (in a classic Christmas mug from Grandma, of course), and a white blanket of snow outside are a recipe for pure joy in my book. There really isn’t much more to say about it, actually. This picture is worth a thousand words to me!

Quite literally, this isn’t really a “little thing”. Those trees are huge! Just the hour or so spent walking and talking on a cold winter morning with family I only see a few times a year - that’s the little thing I’m talking about. This is a trail in Stillwater just a couple miles from my parents’ house and I definitely plan to return more often this winter when I learn to cross country ski, and this spring and summer when the weather is nice enough to hike around. Grateful for the beauty and peace in nature.

Now this is most definitely representative of a little thing - the few minutes I have at work before preparation for a class or event when I can just take a deep breath to appreciate 1) having a job, 2) having a job I love, and 3) having a job that teaches me something new every single day. And, of course, can we take a second to admire this kitchen? It’s a dream not only for the chef, but also for the host! I can’t say I love every moment I spend in this place because some moments can be pull-my-hair-out or cry-in-the-closet-real-quick stressful, but I can say that, at the end of day, I close these doors with a grateful heart for my coworkers, our students, and this company as a whole.

First thing’s first - that puffiness in my chest is my scarf, not… well, you know. Still as flat as a ten-year-old boy and I’m okay with that! Anyway. I mentioned Nicole earlier, so here’s Kathryn! She moved out to snowy MN from sunny CA just about a month before I did for a job with a start-up medical device company in Minneapolis. What a brave girl! I knew we’d be good friends immediately, and now look at us, taking long walks in the snow and not freezing! I’m so thankful for Kathryn’s energy, positivity, and drive for adventure. I know that whenever I’m ready to get out of the house or take a break from work and explore this awesome state, I can call Kathryn and she’ll be ready to hop in the car wherever we’re off to. Let’s just hope I can convince her to stay here rather than fly back home to Cali!

My mom is the most thoughtful and selfless person I’ve ever met, and her passion and business, Dot Plaid, represents those qualities perfectly. Essentially, she spends her time using her artistic talent to remind her loved ones how special they are through these handmade cards. During one of the rare occasions in which I took a nap, Mom made this little cutout and placed it on my nightstand while I slept so that when I woke up, the first thing I saw was Mom’s tear-jerking and heart-warming love for me. She is constantly telling me how glad she is that I’m home with her and Dad. I’m so thankful for this woman.

Now it’s your turn. You can tell me below in the comments section, you can share it with a loved one (or a stranger, I guess), or you can keep it to yourself in your head or your journal or wherever you want it. Just make a thoughtful list of the things - big or little or both - you feel grateful for. Make these lists a habit to train your brain to see the good in every day. I can promise you this simple act will make a big difference. Thanks for reading!

My Own Best Friend (& One Month in Minnesota!)

We had this running joke in my family that made its most frequent appearances on long car rides and road trips when I was a kid - that I am my own best friend. Back when CDs were a thing, my parents could look in the rearview mirror to see me jammin’ out with my headset on to whatever was the latest Disney soundtrack release. If I wasn’t listening to music, I was trying to crack jokes with everyone else in the car and make them laugh, only to end up making only myself laugh (which in turn made the others laugh… and roll their eyes).

And so the joke was born, that I am my own best friend.

I recently moved to a city and state in which none of my best friends from the last 17 years of my life live, but that wasn’t my biggest concern in the moving process. That isn’t to say that I don’t appreciate and miss my best friends - I love you guys oh so dearly! - and they’ll understand this because they know me… because they’re my best friends. I just don’t need someone with me all the time. I can talk with myself (quietly enough so that no one around me hears, of course), I can spend endless time in my own thoughts, and today I discovered that I can even giggle and smile ear to ear at beauty, in excitement, and with so much joy with no one around me.

This realization sunk in and with it an incredibly warm (it was 40 degrees outside, too) blanket of comfort with the words “You will be okay” knit across the top over my heart and my gut, the two organs that felt such immense sadness and stress in recent months.

My first week here… it wasn’t as smooth and peaceful as I expected. While I soaked up every early morning curled up on the couch with my book, blanket, and cup of coffee, I also wrestled with feelings of loneliness and uselessness (hello, unemployment). Unlike my usual open-book self, I didn’t want anyone to catch a glimpse of this at first because I thought my parents would think I wasn’t happy with my decision, wasn’t grateful for the free room in which I’m now living in a beautiful home, etc. No, no, it’s not that. I feel zero ounces of regret and several tons of gratitude, but I’ve gotta’ take the good with the not so good, as the saying goes. Dad peeked into my room six days after the arrival and found me crying on my bed barely able to translate my messy thoughts into sensible words. I found a few words just to let him into the tiny box I squeezed myself into where all these negative feelings live.

As I expected he’d say, and as I’d been telling myself, this is just part of the process. It’s nothing I can jump over or rush through, unfortunately, but it’s nothing I can’t figure out and it’s not forever - just a little adjustment.

So, I’ve been doing what I need to do to adjust and settle in: decorate my room, learn my way around town, apply for jobs, walk through the neighborhood and gaze at the stunning Fall colors, make my way through the list of restaurants, coffee shops, cafes, bars, and other must’s in the Twin Cities I constructed to build some excitement. Transitioning from a packed schedule to an almost completely empty one feels like the softest rug has just been pulled out from underneath me and now my feet are freezing because it’s friggin’ 35 degrees here in Minnesota. I am so, so, so not used to an open schedule and I am not really one to enjoy questioning what the heck I’m going to do with myself all day.

Today didn’t feel like a stay-at-home day. The sun made its way through the clouds by 8 AM and I knew that there are only a handful of these beautiful Fall days left. I pulled up Google Maps, which is now bookmarked on my desktop with how frequently I use it, and poked around the Twin Cities area to see what explorations would make for an enjoyable Wednesday, and I landed on St. Anthony Main. Technically speaking, I have been here before, so I wasn’t really exploring an area totally new to me, but whatever, you probably didn’t even need to know that.

The Stone Arch Bridge takes my breath away every single time I see it, and this time was no different. I felt my smile grow wider and brighter as I absorbed my surroundings - my home - because for the first time in… ever, the place I’m in really does feel like home and no feeling can ever compare to that peace. I even giggled a little bit (again, quietly enough so that no passersby would question me) just knowing that I am where I am supposed to be and I absolutely love it! I’m exploring on my own and even though I wouldn’t complain about having Mom or Dad or a best friend by my side exploring with me, I’m perfectly happy just living solo today.

Those moments of pure joy and peace today are the gifts from God I’ve waited for and so desperately needed. They were His way of reminding me that, yes, loved ones are an incredible blessing (especially mine), and so is the best friend I am to myself AND the Provider - and so much more - that He is to me.

From California to Minnesota

2,100 miles. 30 hours. 5 boxes shipped and seemingly endless packed - or should I say Tetris’d - into the car. And here I am in the land of Land O’ Lakes, General Mills, 10,000 lakes, and my entire family. Yes, I’m feeling a little chilly (already), but overall, I’m so dang happy to be here.

Dad flew out to California from Minnesota about a week ago to help me pack and Tetris-ify all my crap - I mean stuff! - into the tiny little Toyota Corolla I call “Chia” (like the chia seed, not the chia pet). I thought I would be asking him for tissues the entire time, but instead, we were both more nervous about how we’d fit everything into the car and therefore I couldn’t even think about crying yet. So that was nice. Once we did fit everything into shipping boxes and then into the remaining space in the car, we took a break for brunch at NoVo Restaurant & Lounge.

And then it was time for the goodbyes. I hate goodbyes! I really hate peas and the word “nipple” (I prefer “nip”, thank you), but I really really hate goodbyes. My stomach churned all week as I thought about how I’d say goodbye to the girls who have become my best friends in just two short months and to the wonderful town that has become home over the course of five amazing years. I delegated the 8-hour drive on Sunday to Dad because I knew I’d be too teary-eyed to navigate the road.

So… yeah. The goodbyes happened and they were terrible and there isn’t much else to say other than, “Hi friends, if you’re reading this, I miss you and love you like crrrraaaazy!”

Dad and I pulled into St. George, Utah at around 9 PM on Sunday night and dinner was the first discussion. With Denny’s and another similar diner with “bear” in the name being the only places around (besides the gas stations with their tempting hot dogs and nachos and other *gourmet* indulgences), I didn’t have much of an appetite, so I pulled out half a loaf of some banana bread I had made earlier in the week along with some RX Bar peanut butter and called it a night. Dad shuffled around the room trying to figure out his hunger level - he’s more of a meal kind of guy rather than snacky. He ripped a chunk off the loaf and, still chewing, kindly let me know that “it’s dry”. I knew it wasn’t my best loaf, but figured whatever, he will go eat a real meal. NOPE. He continues tearing pieces off my (dry) dinner, seeming to just brush off the fact that all he’s said about it so far is how not good it is. You’re welcome. I think?

The next morning, I grabbed a cup of coffee from the breakfast set-up for a pre-workout kick before I squeezed myself into the 4’x4’ space between the couch and the door for a quick 30 minutes of movement. If there’s one thing I need in the morning - especially before 8 hours of sitting on my peach - it’s a good, sweaty, full-body workout. It took a little rushing through the shower and the workout and the getting all my stuff back together, but we did make it out the door and on the road by 8 AM. Again, you’re welcome. I’m good. Reeeeal good.

I took the wheel for the first 3 hours through the gorgeous red rocks and hills of Utah, but my eyelids grew a little too heavy for me to be behind the wheel by about 11 AM, so that’s when we pulled off for lunch and decided to switch pilots. Okay, don’t laugh at me, but Subway sounded SO good for some odd reason, which I’m thinking has a lot to do with nostalgia way more than actual flavor of Subway itself. Dad laughed. I ate my Subway sandwich as he munched on some tacos from a sketchy-looking food truck down the dirt road.

And with that, we hopped back on the road. Drive. Drive. Drive. Keep driving. Finally, we hit Vail, Colorado right and it. was. gorgeous. Absolutely amazing. Yellow-leaved trees studded the hillsides amongst the dark green ones, and the river glistened in the golden hour as it flowed through just down below. We felt like kids in a candy store, “ooh”-ing and “ahh”-ing at the world around us.

Our Monday night stop was in Denver, CO where we met up with Connie for dinner and drinks. I kept telling Dad how excited I was for him to meet her because - those of you who know Connie will agree - she’s just one of the best people on this earth. And she’s one of the few people I’d really want to see after spending 8 hours trapped on my butt in the car. We picked Linger for drinks and dinner, and each bite made us more and more excited for the next. The food was amazing!

I thought Colorado and Connie was the end of the fun for the trip, as the drive through Nebraska and Iowa would be mainly flat fields of corn, corn, and more corn. I wasn’t wrong about the corn, but I was wrong about the duration of our fun - Dad and I know how to make a good time out of seemingly not much. Our final stop on Tuesday night was at a little hotel just outside of Omaha, Nebraska. In search of dinner, we hopped from restaurant to bar to restaurant in the downtown area in the pouring rain while I tried to hide the fact that I was wearing sandals. Hi, I’m from California.

The name of the restaurant we chose for dinner isn’t coming back to me, and it doesn’t really matter that much because it was nothing crazy special, but here’s dinner anyway.

And on Wednesday we were back on the road, one last time! One last 7-hour stretch before we finally arrive at our destination. Boy, was I ready to get out of the car. Our choice of entertainment for one part of this ride was a Hidden Brain podcast called “Creating God”, and I would highly recommend giving it a listen - preferably with someone who can discuss with you the questions and thoughts that will likely arise - if you have even the smallest interest in faith. My dad and I question just about everything, so we doubled the length of the podcast just by discussion alone.

Before we knew it, our stomachs growled and we pulled off the road to fill up the gas tank and our hungry tummies. No, we did not find a Subway, but instead found a better sandwich stop to satisfy the never-ending craving. Two hours later, I started to recognize my new home - the “Welcome to Minnesota” sign, downtown Stillwater, our cute little neighborhood lined with trees boasting their Fall-themed leaves. Home. I could feel it already.

Mom welcomed us inside with big hugs and a beaming smile, and I got right to unpacking so that I could stretch my cramping legs. I stepped into the bedroom my parents set aside for me that I’ve been impatiently waiting to make my own and couldn’t believe I was finally here. Finally in Minnesota. Just over a month ago, I cried on my bedroom floor in San Luis Obispo as the fear that I’d never leave that place and be close to my family (where I desperately needed to be). Anxiety took over - a new world to me - and tried to convince me that moving to Minnesota wouldn’t happen, but here I am, finally.

I’m at peace. I’m not quite settled yet - job-less and without a core group of friends - but I know in time I will be.

Nourish(ed)

Other than the actual moving day, this day - my last day as Manager of Nourish SLO - has felt the farthest away in this whole moving process. There were days when I looked forward to a short period of unemployment, of rest and reduced stress, and there were days when I dreaded the mere thought of closing the door for the very last time to the place that has boosted my confidence, refined my skills and revealed ones I didn’t know I had, and most of all, believed in me when I definitely did not believe in myself. 

Six months ago, I stood in the terribly uncomfortable decision-making spot of staying in California versus moving to Minnesota. I hated that place - that shaky middle ground. I hated not knowing what to do, how to best suit my own needs and still keep my family and friends as happy for me and with me as possible. To ease the stress and help move me in one direction or another, I searched for jobs in both places and came across the Manager position at Nourish SLO. My heart raced as I read the description - it was perfect for me. 

Within an hour of applying, I heard from the manager at the time and that she was interested in my application and wanted to bring me in for an interview. That was just the confidence boost I needed - knowing that my talent had been acknowledged and desired. After a period of low activity on the blog and recently finishing college, the post-grad blues and feelings of inadequacy had set in. About a week later, I walked into the interview filled to the brim with confidence and topped with just a dash of nerves, of course. 

I was ready to show them the best version of Haley I had in me. And from the minute I got the job until now, the day I say goodbye, I think I did just that. No, I was not perfect every single day, or every other day. Challenges arose - some, I nailed and others… well, others nailed me. Opportunities knocked and I took as many as I possibly could. I smiled and waved and welcomed guests in, making sure they felt comfortable and happy in that moment. If there’s nothing else I did right besides provide that hospitality, I’m okay with that.

People often asked what my roles were as the manager and I couldn’t ever reduce the list to fewer than five things. My hands were everywhere at all times. If you’d ever seen me working, you’d see me for about five seconds at a time, unless you intentionally grabbed my attention. I was rarely ever sitting or standing still, and if you could see into my brain in those moments, you might wonder how my exterior still managed to smile and remain calm and collected. By no means am I trying to brag here! New to the job with a fire under my butt, I was almost always trying to accomplish something. I couldn’t sit still!

Mainly, I managed the front of house employees and oversaw the daily operations of the cafe. In addition to that, I ran our coffee program, tracked sales and financials, and helped maintain the quality of current menu items as well as developed new seasonal dishes and daily specials. Thankfully, my job description didn’t really have many limits. If I wanted to be involved in something or start something new, all I had to do was ask and I found space to learn, contribute, and teach.

The cafe itself and the actual manager position were both new to me, but the restaurant business and the manager skills were not. I caught on quickly, let’s just say. Just two days of training went by and suddenly, I was in charge. At first I was terrified because the weight of the responsibilities felt far too heavy for the amount of strength I’d built in just two short days. Environments with food and friendly people are environments in which I thrive, and I needed to thrive in order to lead. I embraced it all. 

And I didn’t plan on leaving yet - I wanted to stay to help Nourish develop as an establishment within this wonderful community for at least another year. My mind overflowed with ideas and opportunities for the cafe, and many times I’d wake up in the middle of the night or early in the morning just thinking about those and how I couldn’t wait to be a part of them. So, it’s difficult to leave, to say the very least, but waves of change have come and this is how I roll with the tide. 

When I pictured the career path to opening my own cafe, I knew a management position like this was my next step along the way. Throughout my experience here, I questioned my dream frequently - do I want this? With the joy and community and delicious food comes stress and money and exhaustion, at times. Only now that I’ve stepped far enough back can I clearly see the full picture. YES, the restaurant industry can be highly stressful and an investment like the one I’d need to make is a risk, but I can’t imagine I’ll find the joy and fulfillment I feel here doing anything else. I just…

… I feel like I’m made for this. :)

Still Loading

My friends and I went to a local brewery the other night and pulled out our favorite game - Catchphrase. On one of my turns, I was given the word “impatient” and, without thinking, I just blurted out “Oh oh! ME!” Of course, even though my friends know me quite well, they still gave me confused looks rather than guesses of the word I was hinting at, which helped me realize I hadn’t really given them anything to work with. So I kept describing the word and within just a few seconds, they connected the dots between “ME!” and the rest of the adjectives and descriptions I used to correctly guess the word.

I am impatient. It’s in my genes. I’ve known that my whole life because I see it in some of my family members, and many of my friends, family, and even coworkers see it (and don’t hesitate to point it out) in me, too.

Yesterday, I slid a pan of s’mores blondies that I’m recipe-testing into the oven and quickly realized that “DANG IT! I forgot the baking soda!” and that’s not the first time that’s happened. I just get so excited about baking that I sometimes forget the most essential ingredients. I sometimes pull banana bread out of the oven before it’s actually ready, or I call it a failure before I’ve even had the chance to investigate whether or not it actually is one.

And the same things happens, sometimes, when I’m processing emotions. I’m learning that more and more each day. When I arrived home from Minnesota, just one day after my grandpa passed, I texted my mom while walking to work. “Mom, I don’t know if I can just go to work and act like things are normal. I need to, but I don’t know how I’ll do it.” 24 hours after my grandpa’s passing, I felt the need to swallow this huge life event like it was an Advil and just carry on. I hadn’t ever dealt with such grief before, so I had no idea what was happening then and what was to come, or how long it would take to wade through these thick, muddy waters.

I’m still wading, and it’s been a month and a half. It’s okay, though. I’m not rushing anymore. I know that I can’t skip the grieving process because that’s the pathway - the only one - that leads to healing.

When my last relationship suddenly and unexpectedly ended, I suddenly and unexpectedly found myself smiling and laughing and ready to move on within a week. I’m just being completely honest here. I cried quite a bit - more tears and bigger sobs than ever in my life - the day of and the day after it all happened. This was my forever we’re talking about here, and for a planner like myself, when a big part of your plan for forever falls apart, it’s like…. whoa. But, I picked myself up. I wrote. I talked to loved ones, open and honest and vulnerable about what happened between he and I and that’s how my eyes opened to what went wrong in our relationship. That’s how I felt strong enough to move forward rather quickly after yet another loss.

This didn’t last long, though. Mini panic attacks - emotional rollercoasters I’d never ridden before - in the aftermath of heartbreak followed suit. I was confused - I thought I was over this? I thought I stepped far enough out of the water so that I wouldn’t get wet anymore when the waves came. If you’ve been through a break-up and/or heartbreak in general, you’re probably familiar with the memories that pop back into your head of things you and your person used to do, plans you two had, little details about him/her, etc. And they hit like bricks.

I haven’t grieved this loss, yet. I am smack dab in the middle of wading through the muddy waters. I can’t tell you how many times I wanted to just scream “I HATE THESE D@MN MUDDY WATERS!”

In Rising Strong, Brené Brown talks about this space in between falling down hard and standing up strong. When we’re in this position, we’re far enough off the ground to know that we don’t want to be back in that spot. It was too painful and we know we are ready to put in the work required in order to grow stronger and taller. However, we’re not quite in the position to look back on the ground as we walk away, dusting the dirt off and dressing the wounds, to be grateful for the experience and confident in where we ended up.

The scary part of this position isn’t uncertainty of whether or not you will make it all the way off the ground because you know you want to and you know you will. The scary part is uncertainty of how long the rising process will take.

I still don’t know how long I will be grieving the loss of my grandpa. He was my man, and he was the man in our family. This could take a while, and I still have my family - thank goodness - to walk with through this. I also don’t know how long it will take to move past the other loss, the loss of my person. I do know, however, that I want to and I will and that drive is enough for me right now.

handmade card by Dot Plaid

We can’t be impatient in our grieving processes. There is work to be done here. It’s like when your computer shows you that little spinning circle for ten minutes straight - there is nothing you can do but just wait patiently for the page to load. I’m still loading and it’s okay. If you’re still loading, that’s okay. Give yourself time to load because it’s during the loading that we strengthen and wisen in order to better the person we are when we can stand up again, look back at our butt-mark in the dirt with gratitude and look forward to the future with confidence and excitement.

My Big Decision

I remember three years ago in July when I was driving up to San Luis Obispo from my parents’ home at the time in Orange County. The freeway shoulders became this lush green collection of trees. I peeked at my favorite beach spots visible from the freeway. The gorgeous rolling green and brown hills seemed to always welcome me back from wherever I came. I’d smile my biggest every single time.

In that moment, I knew I was home. I cried, of course. I walked in the front door of my apartment to see all my roommates and best friends gathered in the living room, laughing, and now welcoming me home. I called my mom to let her know that I made it safely… home. She knew from the intention and warmth in my voice that I really meant home.

For the two years that followed, I imagined my life here after college. Where will I open my cafe? What jobs and learning experiences will I encounter before I can reach the grand opening of my own dream cafe? Which of my friends will be around, and which will I have to call to come visit? Who will become my new friends here in town?

I didn’t ever imagine leaving. Sure, about ten months ago I made the quick decision to move back to Minnesota, but that was before I took the time to explore job opportunities here. So I changed my mind - and let me tell you it was NOT easy to do so - and planted myself here. New apartment, new roommate, new job, new daily life and routine, some new friends, too. My five-year plan, including my boyfriend at the time, was well thought out and I felt confident and happy… for the most part.

Family life in Minnesota took a sharp turn down an unfamiliar road when my grandpa passed pretty suddenly. Two three-day trips to Minnesota in just three weeks took a toll on me, but not because of the flying. For the first time, I felt like a part of me was leaving home each time I flew back to California. I just filed those feelings under the “I miss my family” folder and continued planning my California life. After all, I have friends who feel like family here, right? I have Grace and I have Jake, and I have friends throughout California, too.

But, Grace is leaving in a month and Jake is no longer in the picture. And those other friends are at least a three-hour drive away.

When my confusion and fear of the unknown began to sink in heavily, I’d drive to the beach to my decision-making spot (I did this almost once a day for two weeks straight) and mentally bounce back and forth between my options:

1) suck it up here. stay. work. try to make new friends. trust that something will come along.

2) go back to Minnesota. move. live with Mom and Dad for a little while. try something new.

this is my decision-making spot, also known as the beach, also known as my favorite spot in SLO.

I didn’t make a physical list of the pros and cons of staying here in California vs. leaving for Minnesota (sorry, Mom). I didn’t really ask anyone, aside from a few essential people, for their advice in making this decision. I didn’t spend weeks thinking about it all because there was a moment when it just clicked. There was a moment when it all made sense that YES - I do need and want to go back to Minnesota. YES - there is a reason that each time I leave I feel like I’m leaving more than just my birthplace.

I’m leaving my loved ones, and they play a huge role in making home actually home. I’m so incredibly lucky to call my parents my best friends (especially since I’ll be moving in with them hehe), and that they welcome me home with open arms (and open kitchen and bedroom!). Not only that, I’m blessed with a huge family to come home to and celebrate life with.

Some difficult decisions stood in the way of this big one, and a few barriers still stand that I’ll have to take care of before this whole thing can actually happen. Though I didn’t know it a few weeks ago, I need to be by myself right now. I need to make my own decisions in my own places. I also needed to explain to my boss (vulnerability and courage required in great amounts here) all that has been going on, and even though I cried through the entire explanation, he understood and wants the best for me. Together, we are working on filling my position and a few others throughout the cafe before I leave. I also need to find someone to take over my lease, and fingers crossed that I can do so before October.

Logistics are the only things that stand in the way of me, my parents, and a full three day road trip out to a new beginning in the good ol’ state of Minnesota. Home. My heart is set. I am so, so happy.

I will miss San Luis Obispo - there is no doubt in my mind this will be a difficult goodbye - but it will always be a home for me. It’ll always be here and so will the cherished memories and friendships I’ve created as a result of the adventure to SLO five years ago. Change is scary, but change can be really good. I’m learning that. Finally.

I’M SO EXCITED!

Life Lately

My family and I received some bad news from my grandparents’ doctor about a month ago - my grandpa was diagnosed with stage 3 bone cancer. This was a long-awaited answer to the question of his increasingly intense pain, and a dreaded end-of-life circumstance for those of us who love him so much. My brother, sister-in-law, and I booked plane tickets to Wisconsin as soon as we could, so that’s where I was this week.

I had no idea what to expect, even though I knew exactly what was happening. All that we experienced this week (and for my parents, the last month) was challenging beyond belief, but we wouldn’t have traded that time with him and my grandma for the world. And now I’d give my entire world to have more time with them both.

We had a difficult time finding 24-hour care and sorting through the details of that, nursing homes, assisted living, and many other palliative care options, so while we sorted, we provided the care. We had no idea what we were doing because… well, we are not nurses, but we came together and gave him our everything. Friends and family who knew about the situation sent us their love, prayers, thoughts, and most comforting words. They asked how we were doing, and I think I can speak for us all when I say it’s an indescribable feeling.

One night, when everyone had gone to sleep, I wrote. I just let my hands go and here’s how my heart describes everything. Disclaimer - if you’ve lost a loved one to cancer, this may be triggering. Proceed with caution.

This is one of those things life doesn’t prepare us for. It’s terrifying, yet it’s inevitable. It’s painfully tense, yet it’s quietly peaceful. It’s natural, yet it’s uncomfortable. It’s heart-breaking, yet it’s heart-warming. It’s like everything you try to prepare yourself for, yet it’s completely different. 

To know that a loved one’s life is going to end. To hear them say they’re ready for the end whether you are or not. To watch them decline, slowly at first over the years, and then quickly at the end hour by hour. To look into their glossy eyes and see right past the pain and medication and disease and into the person you know and love and will forever remember. To tell them it’s okay, that we are all here, that they can go now. 

It’s the most indescribable experience. 

People tell you to hold family close, and you do, but that’s one of the places tension grows. They also tell you to remember all the good moments, but you’re stuck in reality. All these people are just trying to help because they love you, and none of their comforting words and pieces of advice are wrong. It’s just…

Well, it’s really damn hard. I get it. 

You want them to be comfortable, but they’re writhing in pain and the ten medications are running out and it’s 11 PM. You want to hold onto little moments of joy in all the madness and sadness, but you almost feel a little guilty doing so. You want to sleep, but you can’t because if you do for just two minutes it could all be different. You want it to be over, but then you question if that makes you a bad person because when it’s over, that means death and an empty place in the house. 

You just want to know what the hell you’re doing. But you don’t and you won’t because I don’t think death gets any easier, and clearly there’s no handbook for it. This is the first one I’ve worked through and, given the amount of loved ones I’m blessed with, I don’t suspect it to be the last. Death is hard because we love people and we don’t want to see them go. We don’t want the love to dissolve into thin air and once that person is gone, where else is it going to go? I ask that question, too. 

But let me tell you something that might make this a little easier. Take that love that you shared with that person - it’s special, it’s as long and enduring as forever. Don’t let it dissolve. Give all that you can to that person while you have them, and then give the rest out because we all need it. Your loved one may be in excruciating pain and may look like the best and only candidate for that special love, but look around the room. Look around the hospital or nursing home or wherever you are and see everyone else (and their families and friends) who need it, too. 

My grandpa loved my family miles beyond what I can fathom, and I saw that in his last few days. He held on for us all, and though I wanted him to go so that his pain would stop, I also wanted the special moments to last a lifetime - when he’d reach for my hand, squeeze it tight, and bring it to his lips for a kiss; when he’d reminisce with us back to his childhood and old friends; when he’d turn over in his bed and bring my grandma closer to his side; when he’d look at me, as best he could, and say “I love you”; and so many more. He was exhausted, but he hung on for every cherished moment he had with us and I will never be able to thank him enough for that. 

I saw love all around me this weekend. It was in the way my grandma looked at him and stroked his arm. It was in the way my family gave our everything to care for them both. It was in the words and the care the hospice team provided. It was in and around and all for my grandpa. 

Breath may stop and life may disappear, but love lives on. Let it live on in memory of your loved one.

Braving My Wilderness

For some, life slows down after graduating college - searching for jobs, traveling, spending time with family and friends - all important things that were for so long bumped out of the schedule by class, studying, meetings, projects, etc. So, post-graduation is the time to let life fizzle out a bit, like pulling a sizzling hot burger off the grill and letting the cheese melt on top, letting the juices amp up their flavor.

For others, life speeds up after graduating college - adjusting to a new job, planning trips to visit family and friends, pulling together all the pieces of this intimidating 1,000,000-piece puzzle we call “adulting” - all also important things demanding time and energy. They just so happen to occur at the same flippin’ time. And for this one, I have yet to come up with a food analogy because, if you haven’t already guessed it, I most certainly do not have this figured out.

I don’t know where I thought I would be right now, five years ago. I didn’t know I would fall in love with San Luis Obispo, or that I would switch my major to nutrition, or that I would struggle more than ever with food and body image issues. I didn’t know that I would question who I am and what I believe, or that I would make Hungry Haley such a serious thing. I didn’t know, 18 years old, that I’d someday be 23 years old and feel so disconnected from me.

Gosh, I can’t think of a year that’s been harder than this one. I slid right into my 22nd year - mature and “sophisticated” enough to move on from the downtown bar scene the 21 year-olds love to the early evening happy hours 22 year-olds look forward to after work. At the time, I had just picked up the pieces of a broken Haley and glued them back together, stronger than ever. But then life shifted and tested the glue. My best friends moved out of SLO and my parents out of the state. My passion for baking woke me up at 4 AM and left me exhausted. My classes talked about how to become an RD and, though I feel confident that isn’t the path for me, I will admit I often felt judged and insufficient for choosing a different path than my peers.

Fatigue, stress, loneliness, and fear consumed much of my 22nd year. And I knew turning one year older wouldn’t win it all back, so I put in work. I’ve sought myself, the girl I was once and still vividly remember today, the girl I want more than anything to be again.

I saw more and more people pick up Brene Brown’s Braving the Wilderness, and read more and more rave reviews, so I picked up my own copy. I read and read, underlined, and starred and circled, and somehow Brene’s words made sense even though I couldn’t grasp an understanding of my own wilderness yet. In fact, I think I made it through the whole book before I grasped it.

And that brings me here. i braved my own wilderness without even knowing so.

My wilderness, I came to find out after a months-long trek through it, was this person I was becoming. I don’t know her and I don’t want to. She is not familiar to me because I had never heard of her, expected her arrival, or encountered her. And when I did - when I stood in front of the mirror and looked at her for a l o n g time - I knew she was someone I did not want to be.

I stepped back and looked at the big picture of everything that was going on around me and in my life. I apologized to myself for the hurtful things I whispered, and I promised to work on speaking kindly to myself. I pulled strength both from my core and from my cherished loved ones. And, believe me, I have put. in. work to be happy with who I am - after all, we don’t call it “walking in the park”. We call it “braving the wilderness” because it’s scary and unknown and vulnerable, but at the same time it’s a breath of fresh air and a beautiful green landscape and a prime opportunity to develop self-compassion and self-love.

By stepping back from the mirror and looking not externally but internally at myself, I found in my core the real me. I found Haley and I absolutely love her. She is not perfect, and she embraces her imperfections. She is beautiful, and she has beauty marks. She is strong, and she has moments of weakness. She is vulnerable, and she is courageous. She is independent, and she is able to love beyond imagination. She works her booty off - physically, mentally, emotionally - and she gets tired sometimes. She loves herself and she stays true to Haley.

Braving your wilderness is scary and uncomfortable. It is by no means easy, but by all means worth every step. It is something only you can do for you, but if you keep your loved ones close by, you won’t be alone at the end.

The End and The Beginning

The end of the best five years of my life and the beginning of… well, the rest of my life.

I walked across the stage yesterday in front of 16,000+ people - my classmates, friends, family, and professors cheering me on - to receive my well-earned diploma. That’s the seal of approval on all my hard work: all my late nights, all the tears in my textbooks, all the pre-exam nerves, all the stress about building my resume; all the ups and the downs; all the laughs with friends late at night in our perfect little apartment, all the learning and growing together, watching each of us blossom into a one-of-a-kind beautiful, intelligent, passionate young woman.

And now all of it comes to an end, and that’s the hardest part. I hate endings more than I love sweet potatoes. Change and I aren’t the best of friends, and we’ve tussled quite a bit throughout the last five years, as each new set of changes comes along. Who knows if we ever will be friends. I guess, maybe, I need to keep experiencing change first-hand in order to find out.

It’s the end, but as all the speakers and my wise father pointed out, it’s also the beginning. I didn’t spend five years in classrooms and labs learning all about food and nutrition and the human body (a literal human body for a whole quarter - thanks, cadaver, for your generous contribution to my studies) to finish learning when I receive my diploma. I may not sit in a classroom or lab for some time, but I will certainly save my notes and textbooks and continue to study what I love so that I can apply that knowledge, so that I can use it to help me chase my dreams and perhaps even discover new ones.

It’s the end of college, but it’s the beginning of the rest of my life. It’s time to let Haley, the nutrition nerd who loves donuts and Chardonnay as much as she loves spinach and carrots, fearlessly step foot into the world and show everyone who she is, what she knows, and how she can help.

Four Years Later

I knew there was just something about this place when the freeway exit screamed “CAL POLY” both on the green rectangular sign and on the actual street, the left-hand turn off the freeway exit onto Grand Avenue, which led up the hill lined with cute but college-y houses to the campus Mom practically had to force me to visit for the first time back in April 2014.

“It’s very…. agricultural.” That was all I’d heard about Cal Poly up until that point. “OOOH! There’s a really cool farmers market every week,” a friend who knew me well (clearly) and had visited San Luis Obispo once before pointed out when she noticed my apprehension to a “very agricultural” school. Okay, it wasn’t just that. I was a senior in high school, dating my first love and not wanting to live 3+ hours away from him, fearing what a whole handful of changes would bring to the comfortable life built for me in quaint little Chino Hills, California.

Much to my own surprise, I accepted my admission 24 hours after my first visit. What can I say? I fall in love fast and hard. Cal Poly showed me everything I wanted to see that day, every quality I looked for in a school, so I couldn’t say no. Six months later, single and ten times more terrified of more changes ahead of me, Mom, Dad, and I packed up the car and drove into my future. Little did I know, this was just beginning of the best decision I’d ever make.

I spent my freshman year falling even more madly in love with Cal Poly and the surrounding community of San Luis Obispo. Just beginning the journalism major, I wasn’t taking any stressful classes, so I devoted the rest of my time to working at a local vegan place called “Bliss Wholesome Cafe”. It was here that my inner extrovert burst through its shell and introduced itself ever so boldly to the outside world, and I liked that newfound personality of mine. However, the vegan cheesecake I’d nibble on throughout my shift was not the highlight of my freshman year. After several phone calls home almost drown out with tears, I finally found friends I felt connected to within minutes of our introduction, and these girls eventually became best friends (they still are!) and roommates.

Sophomore year… well, unlike my freshman year, this one was challenging. I remember walking back to my dorm at 6 PM twice a week, after my journalism class on race, sex, gender, discrimination, and basically everything wrong with today’s, feeling discouraged, confused, hopeless, and disgusted. I questioned whether I wanted to continue studying journalism, and within a couple days, I was sitting in my advisor’s office preparing to switch into the nutrition major. Throughout the rest of the school year, I’d sit in chemistry classes, intro to nutrition classes, and some not-so-friendly professors’ offices crying (again?) because chemistry just doesn’t make sense but it needs to so that I can switch majors and actually study my passion and aahhhhh!

But, hey, I got through that. I survived. I made it into the nutrition major and began my junior year with a bang - four classes including organic chemistry and a part-time job. Vivid memories of long weekdays at school followed by nights of non-stop studying, broken up with weekends spent working at a local donut shop and spending quality time with friends whenever possible. Organic chemistry was just the first of many challenging, but intriguing nutrition courses, the ones that assured me with a heavy pat on the back that I was in the right place. My junior year finished smoothly, like the swift and elegant twist of the knife as the final touch of icing the cake.

As academically draining as my senior year was, it was the best cake I’ve ever sunk my teeth into. If I thought the organic chemistry class started my junior year with a bang, this new metabolism class was about to revolutionize my idea of the bang. On the edge of my seat in class everyday, with a 3 PM latte pumping through my blood, I’ve never felt more engaged and fascinated by a topic. Not only that, my professor - Dr. Scott Reaves - is a legend. The next round of classes barged in and stayed for a while - all 17 units of anatomy, genetics, foodservice management, and metabolism 2. Anyone looking for me during those 3 months usually found me in a coffee shop studying on the weekends, and in class or labs during the week. I did love it, though. Oh, and I fell in love with a boy. More on that to come.

During the summer between my senior and “super-senior” years, I waved goodbye to 7 out of 8 of my best friends who all graduated and moved on from SLO. I sat in my new house, uncomfortable because it didn’t feel “home-y” and terrified because I didn’t know if it or anything else would ever again. I wanted expectations and hope for the upcoming year, but I had none and I hated that. And remember that part about falling in love? Well, I had to fall out, and it hurt like hell. Like when you’re pulling a tray of fresh-baked cookies from the oven and suddenly realize, while holding the scorching hot tray, that there’s a hole in your oven mitt. For the first time in years, I felt hurt, empty, and scared.

My best friend, Grace, and I set out to tackle this new life in SLO - her as a post-grad working for a local collegiate baseball team - and me as a “super-senior” with ants in my pants anticipating graduation, 2 quarters late. We had no idea what was to come.

Trying to make new friends, adjust to a changed lifestyle and classes I didn’t love, wake up at 4 AM for work, and all the while make it through a 5th year of school brings me here. I got through it. I survived. I worked my butt off. I fell in love and still am. I graduated. Grace and I built each other up and developed our rock-hard friendship. And now I’m left to continue writing my own definition of me, sans the word “student”.

The Hardest Part of Blogging

I love food, but it’s complicated. And I love to write about it. But it’s hard. Not the writing or the website posting or the photo editing or the Google analytics. It was the food.

The hardest part of food blogging has been simultaneously embracing my love for and overcoming my fear of food.

Since the birth of this five-year-old blog, I’ve stuttered each time someone asks why I started this. I can’t simply say, “I just love food”. I do, believe me, but that love is the most complicated manifestation of the word I’ve ever known. So, I’ve just let my answer be that - I love food. And for those who dig deep enough to know more…

… I tell them I haven’t always loved food the way I do now. I started this blog in the thick, painful, sometimes suffocating heat of an eating disorder as an attempt to cover that up, even though it never worked. I wanted my parents - my two best friends and biggest supporters - and all other loved ones in my circle to believe that I was okay. In many ways, this blog has brought healing through food, community, self-connection and self-love, and pursuit of my passion. There is another side, though, that I haven’t talked about before.

Yeah, the hardest of food blogging has been the food.

I dove head-first into this while still working through a broken relationship with food and with my body. I wanted so badly to whole-heartedly pursue my passion, to chase after it without hitting any road-blocks, but doing so was like thinking I signed up for a nice afternoon run, only to find myself stumbling over hurdle after hurdle. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been infatuated with food blogs and cooking magazines and websites and TV shows, and fascinated and inspired by the recipes they create. I wanted so badly to be able to cook and bake and taste and eat freely, without any restrictions or guilt inhibiting my creativity or shaming me for trying just a bite.

Around the third year of blogging, I began taking this more seriously and recognized the still broken pieces of my relationship with food (and my body and exercise). It is indescribably complex, yet so significant. I felt an exciting and inspiring thrill when an idea for a new recipe popped into my mind, but it was often almost immediately pushed out if that idea was didn’t fit into this exclusive nutritional jail that imprisoned me.

The difficulty? It’s not keeping track of Google analytics. It’s not managing payments and completing taxes. It’s not creating recipes or editing photos. It’s not even making a living off of an online platform. The hardest part about food-blogging has been recognizing my broken relationship with food itself, acknowledging it without judgment, and equipping myself well enough to overcome that so that I can pursue this passion fearlessly.

As challenging as this work has been, I could not love it more every single day. And if there’s one thing I hear over and over from employed adults giving advice to us young college kids, it’s that if we don’t wake up excited for work most days, we’re doing it wrong. Blogging, cooking, baking, writing, and sharing keeps me more excited than almost anything. I get pretty excited about studying metabolism, too, but that’s another story for another time.

Figuring Out Faith

It makes sense now.

About six months ago, big questions regarding my faith came barging into my mind and I couldn’t ignore them every time I went to open my bible or pray or listen to a worship song. Big questions I never really asked before I committed my life to Christ almost three years ago now. Big questions that, when I finally began to sort through them, paralyzed my faith and eliminated any desire to seek any answers - a scary obstacle for a girl who has followed Christ her whole life.

And I was open about these questions. A follower asked how I manage my relationship with God and I held nothing back in saying that I haven’t had much of a relationship with Him this year. School threw more at me at the beginning of this year than I expected, leaving me with little time and energy to spend with God (or so it seemed). The less I opened my bible, the less I closed my eyes to pray, the farther I felt from God, and the more the questions and doubts invaded my thoughts. All were new to me, so I explored them with curiosity.

For a few months, life rolled on as usual. Instead of quiet, intentional mornings and Bible-verse-reminders throughout the day, there were some late-nights downtown and therefore mornings for sleeping in. There were times - lots of them, honestly - when I sought attention from sources that gave only temporary, superficial attention. There were countless self-checks in the mirror searching for physical beauty and always feeling less-than ____ (fill in the blank). There were dates with guys who were fantastic and incredibly sweet and charming, but not seeking the same thing I now am.

And that’s You, God.

Thinking I might be ready to find some answers, I opened '“The Reason for God” by Tim Keller and couldn’t put it down after the first few pages, which turned into a couple hours, an entire Saturday morning, and now it has its own place on my night-stand and I look at it with so much hope and eagerness to pick it back up again and continue learning, seeking, understanding.

Last night, when I reached the point of I-can’t-keep-my-eyes-open-any-longer at around 9 PM (yes, for real), I just lay in bed and sorted through my thoughts regarding all of this. I haven’t been feeling like myself lately and the one thing I do that helps set me back on track is read through old blog posts. Why it took me this to realize, I don’t know, but the trigger of this off-track/not-myself feeling is because I have been missing a HUGE part of me. I’ve been missing my faith - the rock that keeps me grounded in the person I want to be more like. Running down paths chasing towards goals, achievements, paychecks, dates, analytics, and grades threw me off track.

It makes sense now.

My questions still need answers and - let’s be honest - my sins need forgiveness. But I’m ready now to figure this out, to grab a hold of my faith once again and never let it go. I’m ready to start running towards God again, questions about faith in one hand and desire for Him in the other. My faith makes me the person I want to be, but more importantly, it reveals to me the incredible love of the God who doesn’t give up on me, who doesn’t cease His love - the God who welcomes me home with arms open wide.