I always feel the need to explain myself when I’ve been absent on any platform for a few weeks, and I don’t really know why. Realistically, no one really notices, right?
Well, if you didn’t notice, I haven’t written any new blog posts over the last few weeks because my brain just hasn’t had the bandwidth for it. Things have been changing - big time - so I’ve given myself the time and space needed to process it all.
Change.
Is it just me, or when you hear that word, do you also feel a bit of anxiety and discomfort? I do, almost every single time. In fact, I can feel my heart racing a liiiiiittle faster right now. Change - for better or worse - is hard. So hard, especially for those of us who thrive in routine, consistency, and our comfort zones.
But here’s the thing - if we aren’t periodically checking in with ourselves, disrupting the consistency of our everyday routines and stepping outside of our comfort zones to ask how we’re doing (yes, talk to yourself), we can overlook signs telling us something is off. Checking in can be uncomfortable, and potentially exposing a need for change can be nerve-racking, but what’s worse - living out of alignment with who you are meant to be or pushing through temporary pain and discomfort to reach the YOU you’ve always wanted to be?
Personally, I think the former is worse.
So I chose change.
And let me tell you: it was the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make in my life. Choosing pain for myself and for another person whom I’ve loved with all my heart. It’s strange to say that I knew I was making the right decision when that pain was the immediate result, but that’s just what happens sometimes. The easy decision, on the other hand, is not always the right decision. The hard decision can be both the right decision AND the hardest decision (like… ever).
What it comes down to, for me at least, is this:
Regardless of who is around you, YOU are the person you come home to every night. You are the person you fall asleep with. You are the person you make decisions with and for. You are the person you speak to before everyone else. You are the person who digests your thoughts and feelings, and the words of others.
You are the most important person, and yours is the most important opinion, in your own life. If you are not happy with a part of it, only you can change it. If you choose not to change it, only you can sit with that. If you do choose to change it, only you can really pick yourself up.
And at the end of the day, only you are the one who can truly be happy or unhappy with who you are.
I’m not trying to emphasize the pain of this recent decision to ask for pity. Rather, I know many family and friends will be reading this, and therefore have a deeper connection to those of us involved. And I care about these people and this person almost more than I ever thought possible.
I’ve moved and gotten my own apartment, and I’m just kind of living on my own. Just living, processing, working, and spending time with myself. It was quite an adjustment, but I’m proud of myself for feeling everything and processing fully so that now I can just… be. Now I can move forward and move into growth.
My hope is that these words inspire someone to approach change, or the potential for it, with courage, confidence, and self-love. You don’t need to be fearless - heck, I certainly wasn’t. Stay rooted in yourself, and the second you feel your roots beginning to disconnect, know that it’s time for a change.
Be courageous. Live with confidence. And never stop loving yourself first.
