We had this running joke in my family that made its most frequent appearances on long car rides and road trips when I was a kid - that I am my own best friend. Back when CDs were a thing, my parents could look in the rearview mirror to see me jammin’ out with my headset on to whatever was the latest Disney soundtrack release. If I wasn’t listening to music, I was trying to crack jokes with everyone else in the car and make them laugh, only to end up making only myself laugh (which in turn made the others laugh… and roll their eyes).
And so the joke was born, that I am my own best friend.
I recently moved to a city and state in which none of my best friends from the last 17 years of my life live, but that wasn’t my biggest concern in the moving process. That isn’t to say that I don’t appreciate and miss my best friends - I love you guys oh so dearly! - and they’ll understand this because they know me… because they’re my best friends. I just don’t need someone with me all the time. I can talk with myself (quietly enough so that no one around me hears, of course), I can spend endless time in my own thoughts, and today I discovered that I can even giggle and smile ear to ear at beauty, in excitement, and with so much joy with no one around me.
This realization sunk in and with it an incredibly warm (it was 40 degrees outside, too) blanket of comfort with the words “You will be okay” knit across the top over my heart and my gut, the two organs that felt such immense sadness and stress in recent months.
My first week here… it wasn’t as smooth and peaceful as I expected. While I soaked up every early morning curled up on the couch with my book, blanket, and cup of coffee, I also wrestled with feelings of loneliness and uselessness (hello, unemployment). Unlike my usual open-book self, I didn’t want anyone to catch a glimpse of this at first because I thought my parents would think I wasn’t happy with my decision, wasn’t grateful for the free room in which I’m now living in a beautiful home, etc. No, no, it’s not that. I feel zero ounces of regret and several tons of gratitude, but I’ve gotta’ take the good with the not so good, as the saying goes. Dad peeked into my room six days after the arrival and found me crying on my bed barely able to translate my messy thoughts into sensible words. I found a few words just to let him into the tiny box I squeezed myself into where all these negative feelings live.
As I expected he’d say, and as I’d been telling myself, this is just part of the process. It’s nothing I can jump over or rush through, unfortunately, but it’s nothing I can’t figure out and it’s not forever - just a little adjustment.
So, I’ve been doing what I need to do to adjust and settle in: decorate my room, learn my way around town, apply for jobs, walk through the neighborhood and gaze at the stunning Fall colors, make my way through the list of restaurants, coffee shops, cafes, bars, and other must’s in the Twin Cities I constructed to build some excitement. Transitioning from a packed schedule to an almost completely empty one feels like the softest rug has just been pulled out from underneath me and now my feet are freezing because it’s friggin’ 35 degrees here in Minnesota. I am so, so, so not used to an open schedule and I am not really one to enjoy questioning what the heck I’m going to do with myself all day.
Today didn’t feel like a stay-at-home day. The sun made its way through the clouds by 8 AM and I knew that there are only a handful of these beautiful Fall days left. I pulled up Google Maps, which is now bookmarked on my desktop with how frequently I use it, and poked around the Twin Cities area to see what explorations would make for an enjoyable Wednesday, and I landed on St. Anthony Main. Technically speaking, I have been here before, so I wasn’t really exploring an area totally new to me, but whatever, you probably didn’t even need to know that.
The Stone Arch Bridge takes my breath away every single time I see it, and this time was no different. I felt my smile grow wider and brighter as I absorbed my surroundings - my home - because for the first time in… ever, the place I’m in really does feel like home and no feeling can ever compare to that peace. I even giggled a little bit (again, quietly enough so that no passersby would question me) just knowing that I am where I am supposed to be and I absolutely love it! I’m exploring on my own and even though I wouldn’t complain about having Mom or Dad or a best friend by my side exploring with me, I’m perfectly happy just living solo today.
Those moments of pure joy and peace today are the gifts from God I’ve waited for and so desperately needed. They were His way of reminding me that, yes, loved ones are an incredible blessing (especially mine), and so is the best friend I am to myself AND the Provider - and so much more - that He is to me.
