Little Things

Gratitude is a practice, not just a feeling. It’s a decision, one we can make everyday to show our appreciation and embrace the joy of contentment. It’s a decision I try to make every morning to begin my day on a positive note. Listing even just two or three things can help me focus on what I have, rather than what I’m wishing for. And after a long season of loss, that shift of focus makes all the difference. So, here are a few of the little things I’ve felt incredible gratitude for lately.

Dog cuddles. DOG. CUDDLES. It’s scientifically proven that cuddling can help reduce stress levels, and dogs are better than boys (most humans in general, actually) 99% of the time, so… there’s that. Since we lost Maggie a few months ago, I’ve been cherishing every moment - every pet, every lick, every tail wag - with other pups because they are just so precious. Fortunately, my friend Nicole always lets me cuddle her pup, Maya, when we’re together. Grieving the loss of a pet is a whole new ball game for my family, and we are not trying to rush the process. However, I’m not not saying there won’t ever be another pup in the family.

I have friends! I really do, and they’re wonderful. People always ask how we met, given that I didn’t know anyone when I moved here. Who’da thunk Hungry Haley would allow me to meet actual friends?! I’m thankful with every ounce of my being for these two goofy girls who have helped make Minnesota feel like home. Just before Christmas, we got together to make dozens - yes, dozens - of Christmas cookies. Why dozens? Because we can’t plan well and because Nicole (who is on the left, and Kathryn on the right) really likes cookies, apparently.

Okay, here’s an absolute favorite that, hopefully, Dad won’t grumble about. How cute, right?! Also, yes, I’m 23 and still sleep with a teddy bear - just the brown one because the other two squeak when squozen (past tense of squeeze?) and that just won’t do in the middle of the night. This is one of those warm-and-fuzzy moments when I can’t help but think how grateful I am to be home with my parents and best friends right now. Thank you, Mom and Dad, for letting me come crash the party and take over the kitchen!

Scenes like this make me an extra enthusiastic morning person - that bright and twinkly tree, warm cup of coffee (in a classic Christmas mug from Grandma, of course), and a white blanket of snow outside are a recipe for pure joy in my book. There really isn’t much more to say about it, actually. This picture is worth a thousand words to me!

Quite literally, this isn’t really a “little thing”. Those trees are huge! Just the hour or so spent walking and talking on a cold winter morning with family I only see a few times a year - that’s the little thing I’m talking about. This is a trail in Stillwater just a couple miles from my parents’ house and I definitely plan to return more often this winter when I learn to cross country ski, and this spring and summer when the weather is nice enough to hike around. Grateful for the beauty and peace in nature.

Now this is most definitely representative of a little thing - the few minutes I have at work before preparation for a class or event when I can just take a deep breath to appreciate 1) having a job, 2) having a job I love, and 3) having a job that teaches me something new every single day. And, of course, can we take a second to admire this kitchen? It’s a dream not only for the chef, but also for the host! I can’t say I love every moment I spend in this place because some moments can be pull-my-hair-out or cry-in-the-closet-real-quick stressful, but I can say that, at the end of day, I close these doors with a grateful heart for my coworkers, our students, and this company as a whole.

First thing’s first - that puffiness in my chest is my scarf, not… well, you know. Still as flat as a ten-year-old boy and I’m okay with that! Anyway. I mentioned Nicole earlier, so here’s Kathryn! She moved out to snowy MN from sunny CA just about a month before I did for a job with a start-up medical device company in Minneapolis. What a brave girl! I knew we’d be good friends immediately, and now look at us, taking long walks in the snow and not freezing! I’m so thankful for Kathryn’s energy, positivity, and drive for adventure. I know that whenever I’m ready to get out of the house or take a break from work and explore this awesome state, I can call Kathryn and she’ll be ready to hop in the car wherever we’re off to. Let’s just hope I can convince her to stay here rather than fly back home to Cali!

My mom is the most thoughtful and selfless person I’ve ever met, and her passion and business, Dot Plaid, represents those qualities perfectly. Essentially, she spends her time using her artistic talent to remind her loved ones how special they are through these handmade cards. During one of the rare occasions in which I took a nap, Mom made this little cutout and placed it on my nightstand while I slept so that when I woke up, the first thing I saw was Mom’s tear-jerking and heart-warming love for me. She is constantly telling me how glad she is that I’m home with her and Dad. I’m so thankful for this woman.

Now it’s your turn. You can tell me below in the comments section, you can share it with a loved one (or a stranger, I guess), or you can keep it to yourself in your head or your journal or wherever you want it. Just make a thoughtful list of the things - big or little or both - you feel grateful for. Make these lists a habit to train your brain to see the good in every day. I can promise you this simple act will make a big difference. Thanks for reading!

Thoughts Lately: Family

I type to you from my seat on the plane, my fourth time in one of these super comfy things in the last two weeks. A couple days ago, I flew back to Minnesota for my grandpa’s funeral (catch up here). It’s not that I despise going back to Minnesota - quite the opposite, actually. I love it and would spend twice as much time there if I could. It’s just that the circumstances under which I’ve been going recently aren’t the best. 

My grandpa’s funeral took place yesterday at his local church. During my grandpa’s last couple days with us, the pastor at his church came to visit him and almost knocked all of us over when he looked my grandparents in the eyes and thanked them - he said they have been pillars of this church. The few times I’d attended a service with them, I was not surprised by the amount of friends - I might even say family - they’ve collected within their church community. My grandparents are amazing people, and all these friends/family will without an ounce of hesitation say the exact same thing. So, my family knew this was the right place for the funeral. Having only been to one funeral before, and being only 10 years old at the time, I didn’t know what to expect (seems like that’s a major theme throughout this experience, huh?). 

As the family of the person everyone gathered to celebrate and remember, my parents, brother, sister-in-law, and I stood at the front of the church with my grandma while all the guests - all those friends that seem close enough to be family, just like us - greeted us and gave their most genuine condolences. After about ten minutes of this, tears collected in pools just behind my eyes, ready to overflow, as I noticed the line wrapping all around the inside of the church and then out the door. All. These. People. Here for my grandpa. He was an amazing man, to say the least, and I’ve known this my entire life. But, my goodness. All of these people loved him so dearly, too. I couldn’t and still can’t comprehend the amount of love I felt radiating throughout the church. My knees buckled as the tears dripped out. I tried to stop them and cover it up, but dammit, this is my grandpa’s funeral. Who am I trying to kid. I’m kind of a mess right now and if that’s any indication of how much I loved him, then let the mess be messier. 

My dad and brother both gave speeches dedicated to Grandpa, and again, I was floored. That man - Wayne Hansen - was and is so so so immensely and unconditionally loved. And he didn’t hesitate to show us that love, too. 

If it’s not clear already, the past few months have knocked me over quite aggressively. Graduating and starting a new job have been fun and exciting, but stepping into adulthood is freakin’ scary. On top of that, I’ve been wrestling with a lot of internal questions about who I am, what I want to do, what I believe, how I want to feel, how I want to live, who I want to be with, my next five to ten years of life, and the list goes on. I’m learning, growing, and handling it (barely, at times). I’m crying quite a bit, too, but that’s actually helping. I’m reading, writing, walking, and spending time with myself in my own thoughts free of shame and judgment and “should’s”. I’m taking life day by day. In just one day last week, I filled around 15 pages in my journal with thoughts from the day and all that’s going on in my life. My hand wasn’t even tired, if you’re wondering. 

All that I’m learning about myself is for me right now, and for the blog and therefore the entire world to see at a later time, maybe. But all that I’ve learned in just these two short weeks, I will gladly share here. It’s pretty simple. 

Family. For nothing else but the unconditional love of family will carry us all through this experience. For nothing else would I have flown out of state twice in two weeks. For nothing else would Grandpa have wanted us to carry on in life, even without his presence. 

I realize that I am so beyond blessed to have such a loving family. I may never be able to express a sufficient amount of gratitude to match the love my family shares. It’s everything that matters. It’s the glue that pieces us back together. It’s the most wholehearted love I’ve ever experienced. 

On a less serious note, here are some other thoughts lately: 

1. My parents’ home feels like home, even though Minnesota doesn’t. Strange, I know, but I just love their house - the way the sunlight brightens the living room each morning while I make coffee, the frogs and crickets that sing (sometimes really annoyingly) at night out by the pond, the closeness of family, and the little white mutt that’s been a part of it all for thirteen years, and so much more. I love coming home to my parents, my family, and that house. 

2. I cannot keep up with my family when alcohol is involved. I have a glass or two of wine and that is my limit, but everyone else seems to be able to enjoy twice that. It’s not an issue - I’m glad I know my limit, but sometimes I just wish I could have one more glass without… well, you know the feeling. 

3. I think I’ve developed some minor flight anxiety. Takeoff and landing used to bring me such joy and excitement, and the in-between used to be my time to gaze out the window at the clouds, just thinking and admiring the fact that I’M FLYING. Now, though, takeoff and landing freak. me. out. and the in-between is now my time to focus on deep breaths and to try not to scream when we hit a little turbulence. 

4. If something in my life has been missing during the last couple of months (which I’m sure it’s been more than just one thing), it’s writing. It slipped out of my hands when life got a little crazy back in March, and I haven’t been able to pick it back up or to recognize that I need to pick it back up until now. When I had a little emotional breakdown last week (which actually wasn’t super little because I sat on the couch for an hour wrapped up in a blanket just sobbing, but it’s okay, I’m okay), nothing else felt right except for writing. I grabbed my journal, hugged it - not kidding - whipped it open, and wrote for about an hour straight. Almost everyday since then, I’ve written and felt much, much better. It’s one form of therapy for me. 

You have made it all the way through?! Gosh. Go you. Thank you for giving me whatever amount of time it took for you to read all of that. I appreciate you! I’ll be back on here soon with another recipe and, as always, more thoughts.

Minnesota Vacation Pt. 2

I left off last time talking about our mini weekend trip to Winona (remember the bat in the kitchen? yeah, that one) and I guess, since then, Minnesota kept me busy enough to pull me away from keeping things up-to-date here. Whoops! Don't you just love it when life happens :) 

We don't do a ton around here, nor do we prefer to. Our mornings start slow until someone leaves to go workout, after which another person or two will follow because we're just active people, especially in the morning. We cherish breakfasts and dinners, and the happy hour in between, together like nobody's business. But other than that, we're low-key. 

I love my family, and I love my alone-time. And the wonderful thing about this vacation is that it's giving me both. Family-time is the breakfasts, dinners, happy hours, and little daily activities in between, and alone-time is my morning coffee, workouts, the chance to bake something, and lulls in the afternoon when no one else proposes an idea for an activity, so I just escape upstairs to read or something. 

We chose one night to go into downtown Stillwater, which is adorable by the way, mainly for a store I've had my eye on since I first drove by it back in March, but also for - you guessed it - happy hour (we're barely moderate drinkers, I promise). I've been eye-balling this one cooking store on the main street in downtown like you wouldn't believe. Obviously we all spent like an hour in there. All of us. Sorry everyone, and thanks for loving me the way you do as you patiently let me peek inside every cookbook, run my fingers across every cast-iron skillet, every porcelain baking dish, every fancy coffee maker (I still love my pour-over). I could get lost in a place like that. 

I spent a full morning focused on scones - the first round came out like a muffin top (which is delicious on its own, but not the goal here), the second round came out like a complete utter under-baked soggy brick, and the third round came out absolutely perfect as could be. You can imagine my emotions - terrifying frustration and then pure joy - went hand-in-hand with each round. Onward and upward! 

Later that night, we grilled carnè asada - our California favorite. So much so, in fact, that my parents asked the butcher to freeze a huge stock for us so that we wouldn't have to suffer mediocre Mexican food out here. My stomach was feeling funky that day and continued to for the next couple, actually, but hey - I still got a few bites in and a really pretty picture of the whole meal! 

Have you heard of that one cereal company... you know, General Mills? Of course you have. Duh. I'm messing with you. Anyway, I visited their HQ! My dad made a connection for me with the leader of this cool company called 301 Inc. that helps grow small food start-ups, so he and I chatted one morning and probably could've kept chatting into the afternoon, too. What a fantastic and exciting time this is to be involved in food. So many companies are moving forward and keeping their eyes open not only for up-and-coming trends in food, but also for the latest news in nutrition and wellbeing. 

We visited a local brewery to hangout on Friday afternoon and I had my first very own beer! You should have seen the bartender's eyes when my brother told her this was my first beer. Yes, I'm 22 years old and only now drinking a beer. And I don't foresee very many more happening in the future - it's just not my thing. I did, however, really enjoy the mango-flavored one I tried here, as well as the free popcorn and the Jenga!

I don't think I've shown you enough food yet. That should change, shouldn't it? Here's our dinner from last Friday night at Lolo's American Kitchen. I found this place online when I was hangrily searching for a restaurant because I knew if I didn't, we'd be sipping cocktails and snacking for the rest of the night. FOOD. I wanted food that night. And maybe a glass of wine. We sat upstairs and pretty much had the place to ourselves, along with all the a m a z i n g food we ordered. A round of smoked salmon and tuna pokè appetizer bites for everyone came before our meal. I ordered the chicken tacos in a lettuce wrap with a side of grilled broccolini. The tacos were delish, but that broccolini just about had me on my knees. Unbelievable. When it was my uncle Tom's turn to order (right after mine), he said "I'll have what she's having", and my heart smiled. There's just something about it when people trust your taste and dinner order enough to get the same exact thing. I find that incredibly flattering. 

And to top off our weekend, we went on a boat! A boat. The way to my heart, besides a kitchen. We explored White Bear Lake and the beautiful houses the border it, sipped Blood Marys (I tasted Mom's and it was okay), snacked on prosciutto-wrapped asparagus and crackers and cheese and such, and just enjoyed each other's company. My kinda' day. And exactly the kind of sunshine and relaxing we needed before having a bunch of family over for BBQ-ing later that night!

Sunday was a day of church, hanging out with grandparents, and then walking around downtown Minneapolis. I LOVE THE CITY. Sometimes I feel deprived if I go more than a few days without seeing bustling streets, tall buildings, and other exciting characteristic city-things as such. We spent Monday with my grandma making lefse (see more on my "minnesota" IG story highlights) - a Norwegian sort of tortilla made from potatoes, flour, and butter. That's it. They're pretty good, but the highlight of it all was seeing my grandma so eager to share a part of her family with us and continue to pass on this tradition. Maybe you'll see a lefse recipe up here soon?! Ben and Natalie (my brother and his wife) left on Tuesday, so that day was all for them to just pack up. I took the day to do my thing - to workout, to read, to blog a little, and to get ready for the Minnesota Cup! My dad and I were invited to this event (think mini version of Expo West, for those of you who have been) and accepted immediately. How cool it was to see further development of already blossoming food trends, and to see a little debut of potential future trends! And since Wednesday was my last day in town, I had to squeeze in everything - a little workout, a little baking (I perfected a fluffy, moist banana bread recipe and could pee my pants I'm so excited to share it!), a little time with grandparents (I brought them some lunch from Panera and we all loved it!), and a lot of time with Mom and Dad in the city :) happy. 

So, now it's back to reality. I cherished my time in Minnesota and feel so incredibly thankful for my family. And because I've already been asked this more times than you'd imagine, no - I don't see myself living out there (in a place without a year-round farmers' market, you'd have to really convince me). But, that being said, I will be out there much more frequently because that's where my family is and that's enough of a reason for me to visit whenever I can :) 

Minnesota Vacation Pt. 1

I forgot to bring headphones (then spent $15 on crappy ones at the airport), both my phone and laptop died, and the book I started failed to grab my interest by the third chapter (so I gave up on it). What in the world am I going to do for the duration of this three-hour flight? The dead electronics and crappy headphones and boring book seemed like defeat, until I remembered my journal and how little time I've had during the past few weeks to actually intentionally whole-heartedly journal. I seized the opportunity and spent the entire flight thinking, writing, and reading back over the last couple months. I felt a little wellness-hipster when I filled three pages with intentions for this trip, but I rolled with it and I'm keeping those intentions in my mind everyday. Flying (in a plane, obviously) lets me see the world in a bigger-picture-kind-of-view, something I've been working on for... forever. Thank you, dead phone and computer and boring book and crappy headphones, for forcing me to think. 

If you're wondering what I'm doing in Minnesota, I'm visiting my parents who moved back out here in May. As a family, we lived together in Minnesota until 2003 when we moved to Orange County in California. Then I left for college and my brother left for England, and my parents were left in OC paying way too much for a house and missing our family here in MN. So, they moved. And here we are. Now you're caught up. 

My parents' house (our house? I don't know) is perfect - cozy but spacious, modern but welcoming. It feels like a home away from my home which is exactly what I hoped for. I even have my own room and bathroom (might be my favorite part, besides the kitchen). A quiet little part of me wishes I were a few years younger because maybe - maybe - staying here might sound a bit more appealing. You know, a soon-to-be 23-year-old post-grad living with her parents in quaint little Stillwater, MN (which is what I will be in roughly a year when I will have the opportunity to move back here) doesn't quite ring my bell. But now I'm just getting ahead of myself. 

There isn't too much excitement to share about the trip yet because it hasn't even been a week, but we've done some fun things worth sharing! I arrived on Tuesday, August 7th at night, so we all called lights out early to save energy for the next day. We love slow, early mornings around here and have been starting each day that way - I prep a pot of coffee filled high enough to water our whole lawn (not really, but kind of) per Dad's request, sip on that while reading the news or baking something and chatting with whomever is awake so far. Then there's a breakfast of some sort, which for me has been more of a snack because come 10:30 AM-ish, I'm ready to move and I hate doing that with a stomach full of breakfast. On days when Dad makes bacon and eggs, though, I choose those before a workout. Bacon + eggs > morning workout (most of the time). 

A lot of the days, afternoons, and nights have been pure family time and that's what we all came here for anyway, so we must be doing something right. My grandparents live just 20 minutes away, which makes a drive over to visit them or pick them up and bring them here for dinner easy as can be. As for the rest of my family's location(s), I don't know because I don't know the geography of this state yet (or still...?), but they've gotta' be close by and I can't wait to see as many of them as possible. 

OH GUYS. Funny story. My mom's high school reunion took place in her hometown of Winona this past weekend, so we all drove over there and stayed in a bed and breakfast owned by my mom's friend of a friend (or something like that). It was cute - up in the woods, very colorful and woodsy. Every corner and nook and cranny cradled an antique and every wall held a huge frame with an art piece. We came back from dinner one night and (what I thought was) a bird flew over my head when I walked into the kitchen. Thankfully, my dad's nervous voice sounds actually quite calm - "Um, that's a bat..." he informed me and I booked it outside faster than I've ever taken warm chocolate chip cookies out of the oven. A BAT, GUYS. The owner told us to leave the doors open and the lights on, assuring us that doing so would usher the bat outside. Not an ounce of me wanted to go back inside until I could be sure that thing had left the building, but because it was a bat and they tend to hide, I couldn't be sure. After an hour of playing Banana-grams on the porch, we couldn't keep our eyes open and had to head up to bed. I pretended the bat thing never happened... well, I tried to. We woke up to coffee and muffins the next morning, followed by a brunch of fresh fruit and yogurt, crispy bacon, and homemade aebelskivers! If you don't know what those are, they're basically pancake balls with some sort of fruit filling on the inside. Dad and I took a bite, made eye-contact across the table, and promised each other immediately to buy a cast-iron aebelskiver pan because we. need. these. on at least a weekly basis. We finished breakfast and gathered our things to checkout and as Ben (my brother) hopped in the shower, so did the bat. HAHA. Goodbye. I'm out. That's my story. 

as strange as the house was, it graced us with a beautiful view!

I haven't had the chance to explore the adorable downtown streets of Stillwater yet, but I've heard wonderful things and I'm planning a full day ahead to explore the coffee shops, cafès, boutiques, and the one kitchen/cooking store everyone in my family is thoughtful enough to make sure I'm aware of. 

I do have plans to create some recipes while I'm here because, yes, that is work for me if you want to be all technical about it, but I'm lucky because I love my work so it doesn't feel like the dreadful kind of work that is all too common in the world of careers today. On the list so far are scones, a bundt cake, cast-iron skillet pizzas, sangria, and much much more. Stay tuned my friends! 

Three Years of Blogging!

Happy three-year-blog-iversary to meeeeee!  

Three friggin' years, though. Dang. With my first few steps into this whole journey, I didn't have much of a vision and definitely no plan for the future of Hungry Haley. At most, I thought it'd become a fun side job, if I even held onto it. During my first few months of blogging, which were also my first few months of college, I spoke nothing of my blog. I think I had a few hundred followers, most of which were family and friends from high school. The only path new friends could take to discover my blog was via stalking my personal IG and Facebook profile to find a rare post in which I may have tagged myself. 

was I a baby or whaaaaat.

And even three years later, I certainly don't advertise my blog or make it the topic of conversation when I'm out with friends. In fact, it's my friends who do that - "she's famous! Follow Hungry Haley. It's her blog. She's my roommate and she's famous." They mean well. Point is, that's the most common form of Hungry Haley exposure and it always has been, but now God is making me much more comfortable in opening up about my blog. After all, it's not about me, but about Him (or at least I try to make it that way...). 

externally smiling, but internally planning tomorrow's workout (+ ignoring my hunger/desire for halloween candy) instead of making memories with my best friends.

The other day, as I drove down to SoCal from my place in SLO, I thought of all the God has surprised me with via my blog:

• first and foremost: recovery from an eating disorder.

• a two-year relationship with veganism.

• features in my school's newspaper, IG page, and several students' class projects.

• a passionate love for cooking foods of all types - from plant-based to there-aren't-any-vegetables-anywhere-near-this-dish.

• real-life friendships: Jeannette, Connie, Emilie, Danielle, JJ, Emily, and more who I can't think of at the moment but I know they exist and I love them!

• a better idea of what I want to pursue, career-wise.

• more protein bars and peanut butter than I ever could've imagined.

• an authentic understanding of and love for the God who made me.

When I began this, I had just broken up with a guy who I thought I was going to someday marry. The two most frequent thoughts crowding my mind were 1) workouts and 2) food (in terms of calories, not enjoyment). I counted calories everyday. I had a spoonful of a social life, at best. I was terrified to leave for school. I didn't know that God could love me like I know He does today. 

I looked like I had my shizz together and people constantly complimented that superficial quality about me. However, inside, I was a mess. But no one had any idea. 

Now, I've been happily (most of the time) single for coming up on four years, but have fallen head-over-heels in love with God. And ice cream, but in a different way, you know? I rarely give food a second thought and frequently enjoy meals out with my friends, eating whatever sounds good and probably ordering a mojito, too. I don't know how many calories I eat or burn. I laugh every. damn. day. I love school and I love blogging and I love connecting with others. 

I sometimes feel like I don't have my shizz together, and for the most part, I don't. But I also don't freak out if people know that I don't have it together because I share a LOT on here and I know now that I actually have readers besides Mom and Dad (!!!). I know that I could pass by another student at school and he/she could've read my post about weight gain and maybe that person remembers the thinner me, but I like this version of me a helluva lot more. 

I don't have my shizz together. Certainly not. But hey, that's part of the reason I'm here (the other part being the food). I want you to know that, even after God helps you tackle a big life event or conquer a disorder or get over that loss, it's okay to feel like a single college student who still doesn't understand some chemistry and has to budget and remember to pay bills and maintain a social life and this and that and this, too. And it can all get really crazy and overwhelming and maybe even scary but...

... but at the end of the day, I'm here and I'm me and you're wherever you and you're you, and maybe just maaaaaaybe we can connect. We can be friends and we can talk about protein bars and peanut butter or God and eating disorders or Zac Efron (*cough cough*) and working out. I just want to share my favorite foods, my life experiences for the benefit of both of us, and God's work in it all. 

best night (with my girls + gooooooood food, of course) I've had in a while :)

Life Lately #2

Life lately. Hmm… life lately. I’m looking back on the last couple of months (since my last life update post), trying to gather everything God’s been up to, but considering the amount of pure business I’ve piled on my plate, locating God’s hand hasn’t quite been as easy as usual. I’ll explain. I guess it allllllll ties together at the end, so just follow along. As always, excuse my all-over-the-place-ness.

UPS

1. I conquered organic chemistry! Can I get a HOLLAAA. Don’t get me wrong – I absolutely loved that class (deep, deeeeeeeeep down), but the stress of each weekly quiz, each midterm, etc. piled up a heavy weight on top of that love. Finally, all grades aside, I’m able to uncover and embrace that nerdy love :)

2. My brother got MARRIED! And thanks to not only his love for that beautiful woman, but also God’s gracious providence, my family and I found ourselves spending a week in London to celebrate. Sure, I missed a week of school and struggled to catch up, but everything London held for us made it allllllll worth it. We spent a day or two exploring Central London (Harrod’s Food Hall = earthly heaven) and the rest of the time preparing everything needed for the wedding. God showed up oh-so-beautifully on the day of the wedding, bringing us sunshine (a rare occasion in London winters), happy tears, warm hearts, and gratitude unable to be measured by even the world’s biggest tablespoon.

3. I’m actually loving my classes this quarter. Yup – you heard me. I LOVE my classes! Wait, I might be getting ahead of myself. Two of my three classes have captivated my interest more than any other class EVER: biochemistry and nutrition in aging. The third, the history of the trans-atlantic slave trade, is a bit less captivating (maybe all the inhumane torture and shameful, ignorant cruelty stands in the way of grabbing my interest). At the end of the day, studying isn’t really my main hobby, but when my classes pertain to my passions and said hobbies, studying becomes much more feasibly and even enjoyable. Let that be a word of advice to all you soon-to-be and current students – study subject(s) you’re passionate about!

4. In the near future, I see a BIG wide opening in my schedule, which I’ll explain because it’s like half-up, half-down in terms of its placement in this post. It’s an “up” because it’s been a necessity for months, but I haven’t been allowing God enough say in how I schedule my life. Wow – that whole sentence sounds terrible. God needs the ultimate say in my life’s schedule, not just a little piece of it. eye roll. Anyway, I’ll come back to this later.

DOWNS

1. I quit my job. I am no longer an employed, working woman. To connect what I was just talking about, I decided to stop working at the best donut company ever (*cough cough* SLO DO CO.) simply because I need to breathe. I need to allow God full control and trust Him in every aspect, especially my schooling and income. My constant working throughout the past three months provided me with an income bigger than my head (okay, my head isn’t big enough to justly fit into that comparison, but it is pretty big so I thought like idk why not), and while that was extremely beneficial in helping my parents support me, it was also a bit harmful. I’d finish working on a Saturday, absolutely e x h a u s t e d and convince myself that I could go out and “reward” myself for such hard work with a new pair of leggings, dinner at the Whole Foods salad bar (all my health-nut foodies know what I’m talking about), or something along those lines. So, yeah, my paycheck was pretty fat, but I slimmed it down rather quickly and needlessly. Now that I’ve decided to stop working (and in its place, focus on school + myself + my blog), I’ll be earning less money and asking God for the wisdom and control to spend what I do earn more wisely.

2. Along with this theme of emptying my way-too-full plate of unnecessary life items, I’ve had to let some potential relationships – well, actually it’s just one – turn down a road I previously hoped it wouldn’t. Why? I asked myself that question A LOT in the decision-making process, but with God constantly placing on my heart the possible outcomes of NOT taking the initiative (and, of course, my best friends just looking out for me), I couldn’t ignore the fact that my letting this nagging thing go is only for my good. Ultimately, it boiled down to self-respect. I love myself too much and I know how much I AM loved already to not let an unhealthy situation go. You know? So, I guess it’s got quite a bit of “UP-ness” wrapped up inside, too :)

3. While the trip to London for my brother’s wedding took obvious priority over my classes, I’m now playing the challenging catch-up game. You know, the one where you tell yourself you’ll definitely stay on top of studies during your vacation, and then that doesn’t happen, so you arrive back home and you’re like AHHHOMGEVERTYHINGSLOWDOWNPLEASE. Trying to cram for two midterms (something I’m proud to say I’ve never done, until this point) is like trying to catch Allyson Felix and Usain Bolt in the Olympic 100M dash. Lol not possible.

GOALS

Eeeeeep! This is the part I’m most excited to share :) can you tell? Now that I’ve cleared off my life-plate of commitments that contributed to it’s over-piling, I’ve set some goals for the next few months that I cannot wait to walk with God towards!

Note: this is in no particular order of importance.

1. More blogging – yaaaaaaaaaaay! This one was an automatic priority for me in terms goals, but I had to warm my parents up to the idea at first. Of course, I do need some sort of income, and that’s where this baby comes into play. At the moment, it won’t provide a stable income for me, but the more I work on it (and believe me, I want nothing more), the more credibility I’ll build and the more I’ll be able to earn in the future. What can you expect? More workouts (sustained energy thanks to DrinkRE energy shots), more recipes (featuring products like NuttZo nut + seed butter), more faith posts, and more nutrition advice. Get excited – I sure am :)

Oh, and Eat Healthy Designs, of course!

2. More “Jesus-time”. If this list were in a particular order, this number would undoubtedly come first. By the end of last quarter (my busiest 11 weeks ever), I’d never felt more drained – physically and spiritually. Adding up 20-hour-workweeks + endless hours studying for organic chemistry + hours needed to let my body even slightly catch up to the workload I expected from it resulted in practically no time to just sit and breathe and think and p r a y. I felt so guilty for allowing such an accumulation, but God does not want my guilt, so I’ve snapped out of it and used His gracious forgiveness to tie a promise to my heart to put Him first from here on out. After all, how else am I going to fuel this quarter and all others (academic or not) yet to come?

3. More relationships. My prioritization of working and studying last quarter left only a sliver of time for a social life. No, I’m not extrovert, but even us introverts still desire a bit of human interaction on a daily basis. For me, I wanted so desperately to hang out with my best girlfriends, but I couldn’t find the time. I can’t thank God enough for the courage to open up my schedule this quarter – I’ve already been able to soak up some quality time with my girls AND plan a few more girl-dates with lovely women I’m not super close with… yet :) I’m stoked to be able to devote more time to not only my bestest of friends, but also to whomever God is ready to plant in my life. I’ve applied for a position on Cal Poly’s Health Education team, in hopes of becoming a nutrition and/or mental health counselor. Prayers would be much appreciated :)

So, yeah. That’s the life of this busy-blogger lately. As always, thank you times a million for reading – your support allows my blog a place in this world! I would love to hear what’s new in your life! Leave a comment below or send me an email! 

Thoughts: (eating) Disordered Holidays

This is the first Thanksgiving in four years I'm celebrating without an eating disorder. Since my junior year of high school, each year around this time brought me such stress and anxiety. My two favorite holidays - Thanksgiving and Christmas - fell prey to the hands of my ED and soon became my two least favorite days of the entire year. How in the world can that happen? If you've ever gone through an ED, you know how. 

I'm writing this for readers who stand in both positions - the loving family member/friend, and the struggling person him/herself. I don't have all the answers to eliminate the ED today or tomorrow or even by Christmas, though I wish I did. I do, however, know the everyday challenges from the perspective of one who's suffered from an ED, and I've witnessed others going through one. In other words, I've stood in both positions, and I'm here to offer advice to both parties to help ease the stress and difficulties this disorder brings during the holiday season. 

AN ED: WHAT'S IT LIKE?

Well, it's like you're under the control of something you can't identify or see. You can hear it, though, and all it does is tell you that you're not good enough, that you're overweight, that you're ugly, and that you absolutely need to change (emphasis on YOU). An ED whispers those thoughts in your ear every single day - when you see yourself in the mirror first thing in the morning, when you sit down for breakfast (if you even have the appetite), when you zip up your once favorite pair of jeans, all the way until you're crawling back into bed at night. It holds a microphone - no, a megaphone - and gives not a care as to how loud its shouting these destructive insults and demands. 

I guess there's one tiny benefit - it does some math for you! But, of course, it uses that skill against you by constantly counting your calories and displaying that number on a huge illuminated billboard (whose lights never burn out)  in the back of your mind. Nevermind - it's no benefit at all. 

It's sad. It's scary. It's painful. It's confusing and unknown. It's fueled by self-hate and comparison. It's void of love, freedom, joy, and peace. It blames YOU and tells you that YOU caused all of this because, at some point in your life, you ate too much and didn't workout enough. 

We've never hosted Thanksgiving at our house, but our family friend invited us over every year for the feast, dessert, and good company. Nerves churned my stomach in the morning, as I spent an hour or two in the gym, trying to burn as many calories as I could even though I know I wouldn't be eating anything worthy of such exercise (i.e. pie, stuffing, casserole, etc.), and then paralyzed me later in the day as I walked into the kitchen of the hostess's house. I swallowed the lump in my throat as best I could, despite the discomfort, and pretended this monster inside me didn't exist. I helped prep dishes, set the table, and made conversation with other guests as an attempt to pull myself as far from the table as possible. If I could've skipped the entire meal, I probably would have. 

Did you hear that? Skipped. Thanksgiving. No one makes that choice to allow this monster such control. I still don't know how it finds its way in, but it does and, for lack of better words, it. sucks. 

An array of fine cheeses, meats, pickled veggies, bread and other appetizers left no room on the table for anything I'd even consider touching. My dinner plate held nothing but a few sweet potatoes (mashed with butter was the only option), lean turkey breast, and greens (I cringed at the sight of dressing). Pie or any other dessert? Ha. Funny. 

Swallowing the lump in my throat meant also trying to convince myself that no one knew, that no one suspected anything or worried at all, but I'm blessed with way too many loved ones for that ever to be true. I couldn't ignore my parent's tired, emotionless eyes as they glanced at my plate. I couldn't drown out their questions as to why I skipped dessert. And worst of all, I couldn't blame them because I knew something was wrong, but I couldn't do anything about it. I couldn't rip my body open and yank out the monster, no matter how badly I wished I could. 

HERE'S THE THING PEOPLE MIGHT NOT REALIZE: 

You look at me, several sizes smaller than I once was, probably looking worn out, a tad stressed, and all the while pretending none of this is happening. You see that something is wrong. You don't see ME - the Haley you've known for however many years - and you're concerned. I know, and I understand. What you and many others might not understand is that I don't see myself either. I look different to you, and I look, sound, think, act, and feel like a stranger to myself.

I don't even know who I am. I don't know what monster has crept inside me and woven itself into my every thought. I don't feel like me, I don't look like me, and I h a t e it. 

On the worst of days - yes, the holidays were some of them - when the ED created a record-breaking number of destructive thoughts and performed stage-worthy acts of family tension, stress, and arguments, I felt like I had to crawl into bed with it. Imagine battling your most hated enemy all day. My ED's favorite weapons severed ties between my parents and me, lied to those I hold close to my heart, and - for a short time - went so far as to convince me that everything I believed about the love of the Lord was false. 

He isolated me so that the only thing I could see, hear, feel, trust was him inside my head. He couldn't have cared less about backing away for the holidays to allow me time with my family. No, that could lead to healing, and he just wouldn't have that. 

YOU'RE IN ONE OF TWO POSITIONS if you're reading this: 1) you know these experiences and you deal with these feelings yourself, or 2) you recognize these characteristics when you see someone you know/love. Here's what you can do, whether you fit with the first or the second. 

1) First, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I wish I had a snap-your-fingers-and-poof-its-gone answer, but I don't. I do, however, know the solution - yes, there IS a solution :) there is peace, there is self-love and forgiveness, there is restored relationships with food. There is a Man who sees you as the most beautiful, majestic, perfect, worthy YOU that you could ever imagine. He is your Father, and He loves you beyond belief. He's created you and a prosperous plan for your life. He hates the monster and will rip him out, should you surrender to Him. I surrendered when I finally understood that no one and nothing else could ever truly heal or satisfy me. One of the characteristics of an ED - one that's felt more than seen, I think - is this longing for something. For me, I longed for control and for this certain perfection, though if you asked me to draw a picture of what it looked like, I wouldn't have been able to. God holds no picture of perfection we must achieve in order to receive His love. Rather, He holds a picture of perfection that He graciously changes us into when we receive, accept, embrace His love. He doesn't have standards. He has peace. He doesn't have size charts. He has forgiveness. 

2) Most important, know that this person is not making a conscious decision to allow this monstrous ED such a prominent place in his/her life. Know that this person is not striving for attention or pity, but rather for some sense of control (in the moment) and confidence (in the long run). Know that the environment around which food is served, holidays especially, will change. ED's transform beloved, savored, cherished food into an enemy feared, despised, and avoided at all costs. Know that it's not only this environment around the holiday table - it's everywhere. An ED creeps into family relationships, friendships, sports, academics, and everywhere between and beyond. To state it rather simply, this person is suffering. This person is drowning, pulled beneath the crashing waves by a monster who sees such destruction as success. Know that most smiles you see on this person, when in a food-centered environment - might not be real. If they are, however, you've clicked. You've achieved something extremely special and worthy of a mental photograph. This person's heart is smiling, shining bright for once :) because of you. 

YOUR QUESTIONS, ANSWERED

"Will I ever recover?" - a question I've dealt with for the past several months. I've answered both "no" and "yes", and I guess, now I think it depends on your definition of "recovery". I believe I am recovered, as of May 22, 2016 - the day I whole-heartedly dedicated my life to the Lord. It was my admission of my weakness. It was my official surrender. It was God's acceptance and embrace. Since then, I've had a few struggles with food, and during those I've wondered if I had truly recovered. The Lord comforted me in reminding me that recovery does not mean perfection. Recovery means I no longer rely on food for satisfaction beyond my stomach's satiation. I might still eat a bit too much here and there. That's okay. I probably will - no, I definitely will - still focus as much as possible on healthy, whole, plant-based foods. That's also okay. I will NOT, however, allow fear of foods outside those categories to bring me to a state of nervous paralysis, or worse, starvation. 

"How can I stay balanced without obsessing?" Remember where your purpose is. My purpose is in God. My beauty is in the fact that I am His daughter, that He's seen me worthy enough of saving. My heart, my passion, my life is dedicated to sharing that story. Okay, less serious ones? Well, I remind myself that this moment - right here, wherever you are - is temporary. That donut, that cheese quesadilla, that piece of bread will not last forever. And you can view that two ways: 1) go ahead! eat it. you stick to your routine 95% of the time, you don't keep a bag of them in your pantry, and this moment out with friends or family or whoever might not be here tomorrow or next week. taste the treat :) OR 2) it's not life or death if you do or don't eat it. if you truly don't want it - if you're full, if you're tired, if you're thirsty, etc. - no one is forcing it down your throat. your loved ones will still love you. your friends (your TRUE friends) will still laugh with you and include you. This one treat will not up your jean size, or cancel out those squats, or totally demolish your routine. It's. One. Treat. Eat it if you want, or be confident in your choice not to. 

"Why am I not reaching my fitness goals? How can I reach my fitness goals while still eating enough/healthy/vegan/etc.?" I planned out a certain fitness goal a few years ago (I was a bit overweight at that time, so it was okay), but I chased after it - no, sprinted without any breaks - and I eventually did reach it. For two years, I kept myself at that size, but it was hard work. I rarely ever went out with friends, I stuck to my strict workout schedule, I NEVER ate anything outside my comfort zone (my first donut felt like the biggest decision in years), and I didn't listen to my body. When I fell in love with veganism, God showed me just how much I'd been depriving my body. My ED did everything in its power to prevent me from gaining weight, from "loosening up", and from trying anything different (workouts or food or lifestyle/routine). But after that night I surrendered everything up to God, I apologized to my body over and over and over. I hugged myself, I rubbed my legs, I relaxed my stomach, I stilled my arms. I finally loved myself because I knew I was fully, completely made whole in my Father who couldn't see me as more perfect than I already am. My weight went up, and I struggled to swallow that, but I concluded that my fitness goal wasn't what God had planned for me. I spent years fighting my body - fighting God - and I lost. I lay on the battleground tired, hungry, nutrient-deficient, no longer able to run, broken-hearted. But God was never my opponent. After all, what kind of opponent would pick me up off the ground in such a state, cradle me in His arms, heal my wounds, feed me, men my broken heart and promise to STILL. LOVE. ME. 

My fitness goals were a size 2, a 6-pack set of abs, and a few marathons down the road, among others. I'm not sure exactly what God's plans are, but I know they've thus far involved achievement of a healthy weight, increased muscle mass, elimination of exercise addiction, with more to come. Ask God to reveal His plans to you. 

"How do I not eat too much, but not too little?" Okay, anyone else have this answer? *crickets*. Yeah, nobody knows guys! I still struggle with this. Sometimes I lie in bed at 10:30 PM, feel a little growl in my tummy, and have to remind myself that I won't gain five pounds if I eat a piece of whole-grain toast right now to satisfy this hunger. Other times, I walk (or waddle) away from the table absolutely stuffed! I have to remind myself here that I still won't gain that five pounds because I never stuff myself like this. Thanksgiving just passed (and hopefully fear of the holiday along with it) and I couldn't have eaten one more bite. We cleaned our dinner plates and, an hour later, pulled out dessert. Did I have a scoop (or two or three) of that vegan gelato? You better believe I did! I allowed myself to indulge, to pull out the stretchy pants, to overeat. It's a holiday! I didn't do it because everyone else did, but rather because I truly wanted some of each dish/dessert. Holidays aside, I sometimes still accidentally overeat, but I look at it as a learning experience. I know that amount was too much for me, so next time I'll eat less. Beating myself up will only make me feel worse, and starving myself the next day will trash my metabolism. Just remember - tomorrow is a brand new start. 

"Is it okay to workout everyday?" Depends on your definition of "workout". I'm typically in the gym 5/7 days a week. Now, my definition of "workout" changes day to day. Those five days vary - HIIT (high-intensity interval training), weight training, LISS (low-intensity, stead-state cardio), swimming, and yoga. Those remaining two days usually consist of long, exhausting shifts at work (at a donut shop? oh yeah.) or, if God's feeling extra miraculous, a relaxing walk or bike ride. I've been working out long enough to discover my limits, and I do NOT push myself past those. I do NOT sign up for a HIIT or spin class if my knees ache or if my hamstrings are feeling too tight, etc. Exercise is one of my absolute favorite things to do, but I've struggled with addiction, as I know many of you have/do. That's why God took running away, and replaced it with more dependence on HIM for my fulfillment. A few years ago, I feared skipping a workout on any day, but I've learned that skipping one (sometimes two or three) is what my body needs! Our bodies crave rest, which is actually when muscle-building happens, but that's a topic for another time. It is okay to workout everyday, if your body feels truly energized and like it wants to do so. Don't force anything. 

I'll finish the post off here, though I could go on for days. If you still have unanswered questions, please do not hesitate to leave them in a comment below or send them over in an email. 

My prayer for this post is that God's light shines brightest. While ED's are evil, destructive, unfortunately possibly fatal, recovery IS attainable. Someone asked me, "Are you fully recovered?" I wanted to respond with a confident "yes", but I had to stop and think...

"I've restored my relationship with food," I eventually concluded. Full recovery just doesn't sound realistic, but rather one of those terms for which one solid definition does not exist. And even if it is/does, I don't know if I want to reach that state. I fear I'd be too confident in such an achievement and step out onto a lily pad, relying less on God for strength, direction, peace, hope, etc. I've restored my relationship with food, but I still face struggles, and those I lay at God's feet, promising to love myself and Him as much as I can. 

Don't let that freak you out - I'm happier now in my life than I ever have been. Just because I don't say "I'm fully recovered" by no means implies that I wrestle with that ED monster like I used to. God so faithfully crushed that demon for me :)