Thoughts: Workouts, Friends and Food, Morning Reading, Blogging

1. My brain is anything and everything but organized right now. Study for midterms! Prepare for finals (because here at Cal Poly, we like to continue taking midterms the week before final exams :) )! Keep your room clean! Go grocery shopping! Brainstorm some recipes and blog posts! Respond to emails! Don't forget to study! Call this or that person to catch up! Apply for summer jobs! Oh, and make sure you're spending quality time with friends because this is your last month living with your best friends ever! Ahhhh. That's why I've had such trouble coming up with a blog post - when I finally do think of an interesting topic, if I don't throw out all my thoughts onto paper immediately, it'll escape me within minutes. It's not a case of short-term memory loss, just a case of an overwhelmed Haley :) that is all. Moving on. 

2. A day without moving my body is not one I enjoy. I'm a person who feels tired by 10 AM if I haven't gotten up off the couch for at least 10 or 15 minutes to get my heart rate up - be it a workout at the gym, a bike ride to the beach, or just a light walk through some cute neighborhoods. Feeling tired could be telling me I need more sleep (which I do), but I also think that's just how my body works. I like to move it, move it! I'm so funny.

Trusting myself with movement that doesn't push my body beyond its limits has been quite the process. I've found that the workouts I prefer aren't longer than 45-60 minutes, elevate my heart rate and keep it there for the majority of the workout, and engage various muscle groups at the same time. Yoga? Not my thing. Running? I kind of still wish I could, but at the same time, I kind of think letting it go (even though that involved some gnarly knee pain) was a blessing in disguise. Barre? Sometimes. Most of the time, I spend my mornings in the gym doing HIIT, light weight-training, or a spin class. The other days, I get outside to go for a walk or a bike ride. That, my friends, is the routine that's working for me and I love it. 

3. Most of my weekends consist of some studying - thank goodness I don't need to spend Friday, Saturday, and Sunday buried in textbooks like I did last quarter - and lots of time with friends. The majority of my closest friends are graduating and going back home in the next couple of months, so I'm trying my hardest to soak up moments with them because I know life here will never be the way it is now. Okay, stop - I'm getting emotional. Anyway, we love food and we have so much fun trying new things together, whether cooking at home or going out to eat. I can vividly remember a time when choosing restaurants centered around making sure "healthy" vegan options were available. It's okay to be vegan and it's okay to look for nutritious items on the menu, but (in my opinion) those shouldn't take priority over enjoying time with loved ones. Sometimes, we get burgers and zucchini fries from our favorite little shack and we can't shut up about how good they are and yes, sometimes my stomach ends up a little funky later. Sometimes, we order nachos and the plate is huge and yes, it's tortilla chips + cheese + pork and I don't know anyone who says those foods make them feel their best. BUT my heart is full and I'm smiling because the burger or nachos or whatever it may be tasted good in the moment and I enjoyed that alongside my best friends. The friends are more important than the food. Some of our most cherished memories together are at a table with delicious food (and maybe a glass of wine, if we feel like being fancy) and I wouldn't trade those for anything in the world. 

4. I don't journal regularly or meditate or practice yoga or go for a peaceful walk around the neighborhood each morning. If I could make the time required of those, I would pick journaling and walking, but even that's pushing it. I do love early mornings - my alarm wakes me up sometime around 5 AM roughly six out of seven days a week. Get up out of bed, pee, fumble around in the dark for my journal and/or any books I want to read, and walk quietly downstairs to make some coffee. Make said coffee, curl up on the couch with a blanket, and either a) write some intentions for the day or b) just write to sort through my thoughts. If I don't feel like journaling and have the time to read a non-school-related book, you bet I will for as long as I can (currently halfway through Intuitive Eating). If I absolutely must, I'll open a textbook for school and review for 20-30 minutes before I get ready for the gym. I used to hate the idea of beginning my day reading for school, but I've come to find that just 20-30 minutes in the morning (like I said, if those are absolutely necessary or if I have a test/quiz that day or something) eases a lot of potential stress that could otherwise hit me later on in the day. So, no, I don't want to begin my day reading about the anatomy of the lungs (or of the male reproductive system, which has been the topic lately) and partial pressure of oxygen, but I do want to strive for good grades and low stress levels and sometimes, you gotta' do what you gotta' do. 

5. Desire to scroll through Instagram and motivation to create recipes is nowhere to be found right now. I don't know where they went, and I haven't really looked very hard to find them again. This is the most "go-with-the-flow" I think I've ever been and I really like this newfound side of me. I like sharing more about my life here. I like - no, LOVE - writing about whatever comes to mind as well as topics that seem most relevant and interesting right now in this realm of nutrition and food and wellness. What my plans are now, I cannot tell ya'. Three months ago, I saw myself blogging at double-time this quarter since my class-load is much lighter than it was before. I saw myself posting something on Instagram daily and on the blog at least bi-weekly. But, here I am, posting whatever whenever I feel like it, looking for summer jobs, spending time that I could use to plan and develop recipes and email back and forth with companies with friends or just with myself instead. This shift makes me a liiiiiittle bit nervous because I kind of feel like someone pulled the rug out from under me - only in the best possible way because I've definitely landed on something, I just don't know what it is or where it's going... yet. :) 

Career Change

The career conflict has come to an end. For the past few months, I didn't even really know the battle between Registered Dietitian, RD, and, well, let's just generalize the other career option as blogger (it will be mixed with other things) existed. Since hindsight usually offers the best vision, I can see now that I was trying to suppress this internal battle for reasons I will now explain. 

Going into the Nutrition major (I switched from Journalism halfway through my second year at Cal Poly SLO), I had zero intention of pursuing the RD credential. What I really wanted to do, I wasn't quite sure, but I knew that nutrition counseling was not it. However, as I dove deeper into the major, I learned that an RD does more than just tell people what they can and can't eat and while working in a hospital. Suddenly, the career sounded appealing to me. Not only that, but it also sounded more financially stable than my complex blogger career. And if that weren't enough, God seemed to bring me friends who are pursuing the same career - Emilie, JJ, Connie, Winnie, Alayna, and probably more who I can't think of at the moment.

Sunrise in Avila Beach (I had been awake for three hours already).

So, for the past nine-ish months, I've had my eyes somewhat - emphasis on somewhat - set on becoming an RD. With that would come two years of graduate school and one year of interning, post-undergrad. And with that came some heavy guilt + concern, the two emotions I'd been suppressing until only now - I should add that I will be graduating two quarters late from Cal Poly, a result of switching my major late in the game + not being on top of class scheduling (if I can offer any advice on this subject, it's to UTILIZE ADVISORS/COUNSELORS, people *cough cough college students*). Graduating two quarters late means two more terms of tuition (thank you, Mom and Dad for still supporting me) and seven more months spent in school - in other words, less money for grad school and less time to find an internship. 

The pressure of finding the right grad school and internship (and, of course, being accepted into both) kind of choked me. I felt that an RD was the best option - read: most stable income, most opportune career to make an impact/help people - so I had little to no choice but to pursue it. My mom, a vessel of God's voice here, has been questioning my choice. "Are you suuuuuure you want to become an RD, Haley?", she'd ask. I'd respond, "Yes, mom. The industry needs non-diet dietitians, it's a stable career, and I want to do it." 

Saturday morning farmers market in SLO.

But I felt like a robot. Those words were about 90% "I-need-to-do-this" and 10% "I-actually-want-to-do-this". 

I lived at home this summer with my parents, and when summer classes fell through, I decided to blog full-time as my "job". When I made that decision, I had never made more than $9 from Hungry Haley, which I was okay with because I didn't see it becoming my career (that was to be filled by an RD credential... in, like, six years). Blogging full-time, I spent hours brainstorming recipes, cooking them, photographing them, and writing about them.

I. Loved. Every. Minute. It posed more challenges than I expected (in terms of income, creativity, and planning), but I. Still. Loved. Every. Minute. 

Passion can't be ignored, but can it be second to a career? Yes. Do I want it to be? No. I don't have a passion for nutrition therapy like I do for cooking + writing. I don't want to think about food in terms of what the nutrient density is like I do in terms of how it can be incorporated into a breakfast dish or a dessert dish or something totally different that maybe no one has done before. 

Luna Red happy hour: 2 berry lemonades, 1 red sangria (for me, duh). Plus bread!

This is not to give a bad name AT ALL to the Nutrition program at Cal Poly - I love this major and am so happy that I chose it. BUT the strong emphasis on the RD path being the seemingly best choice, an emphasis that of late began to feel like pressure, deserves mention. To choose a path other than the RD path - probably the most populated one - feels "against the grain", but I guess that's kind of how I do things. It also feels most certainly like a challenge, which has been a theme these past few months and you can bet your heiney's best jeans that I'm up for it. 

For example, transitioning out of a vegan diet and into a (I don't want to say "normal" because, let's be honest, no one knows what that is) diet of, well, whatever I want was the challenge of the summer, and following God's calling in that definitely felt "against the grain" - the grain being the brand I'd built, which included heavy amounts of vegan food. Through it, I had to trust that God wouldn't let me fall, whatever falling would've looked like. Of course, He did not let me fall - I've never felt better, physically, spiritually, emotionally. Just as I did not want to say anything bad about Cal Poly's Nutrition program, nor do I want to say anything bad about the vegan lifestyle. BUT the pressure to stay vegan upon going vegan deserves mention, as do the negativity and sometimes extremely rude, non-supportive comments about eating animal products (sustainably raised, whenever possible). 

Cowboy Cookie ice cream bowl: chocolate chip cookie + HUGE scoop of fudge ice cream.

Just as I trusted God then, I trust Him now. Do I know exactly what I want to pursue in this "blogger" career? No. I do know, however, that I want to dive deep into my community, wherever that be (please be SLO, please be SLO, please be SLO) and explore it's bountiful pantry, if you will. I do know that I want to make an impact, which I didn't think I could on this career path. How wrong I was in that thinking. I'm not tooting my own horn, but I know God has used this blog to touch more than one person. Why not continue that? By following Him first and foremost, the number of lives touched can only multiply. 

I want to show my readers that healing through food is possible even when food is the enemy (i.e. an eating disorder). "It's more than food" - a.k.a. my motto - rings true in every situation, yet food is powerful and significant and worthy of adoration and enjoyment. I LOVE food and honesty with myself in that has provided much of the healing I've needed to experience. 

To all the future RD's out there, DO YO' THANG. This diet-consumed world needs to know the beauty and power of Intuitive Eating - please let God use your knowledge and your gifts to bless those under the influence of toxic cyclic dieting. Teach them how to love their bodies for what they are made to be. 

I will be over here cooking my favorite foods and foods new to me, writing about them and how much I love them. Each of us is woven together as an individual with unique passions and desires and skills. I have God to thank, most of all, for everything, but specifically here for introducing me to Intuitive Eating and, as a result, the idea of intuitive living. It's a lifelong journey (not to be cliche), but at least it's one I get to travel with Him and pursue the passion He has designed for me. 

:)

Sunset in Shell Beach, CA. Probably my favorite night-time thing... ever.

Three Years of Blogging!

Happy three-year-blog-iversary to meeeeee!  

Three friggin' years, though. Dang. With my first few steps into this whole journey, I didn't have much of a vision and definitely no plan for the future of Hungry Haley. At most, I thought it'd become a fun side job, if I even held onto it. During my first few months of blogging, which were also my first few months of college, I spoke nothing of my blog. I think I had a few hundred followers, most of which were family and friends from high school. The only path new friends could take to discover my blog was via stalking my personal IG and Facebook profile to find a rare post in which I may have tagged myself. 

was I a baby or whaaaaat.

And even three years later, I certainly don't advertise my blog or make it the topic of conversation when I'm out with friends. In fact, it's my friends who do that - "she's famous! Follow Hungry Haley. It's her blog. She's my roommate and she's famous." They mean well. Point is, that's the most common form of Hungry Haley exposure and it always has been, but now God is making me much more comfortable in opening up about my blog. After all, it's not about me, but about Him (or at least I try to make it that way...). 

externally smiling, but internally planning tomorrow's workout (+ ignoring my hunger/desire for halloween candy) instead of making memories with my best friends.

The other day, as I drove down to SoCal from my place in SLO, I thought of all the God has surprised me with via my blog:

• first and foremost: recovery from an eating disorder.

• a two-year relationship with veganism.

• features in my school's newspaper, IG page, and several students' class projects.

• a passionate love for cooking foods of all types - from plant-based to there-aren't-any-vegetables-anywhere-near-this-dish.

• real-life friendships: Jeannette, Connie, Emilie, Danielle, JJ, Emily, and more who I can't think of at the moment but I know they exist and I love them!

• a better idea of what I want to pursue, career-wise.

• more protein bars and peanut butter than I ever could've imagined.

• an authentic understanding of and love for the God who made me.

When I began this, I had just broken up with a guy who I thought I was going to someday marry. The two most frequent thoughts crowding my mind were 1) workouts and 2) food (in terms of calories, not enjoyment). I counted calories everyday. I had a spoonful of a social life, at best. I was terrified to leave for school. I didn't know that God could love me like I know He does today. 

I looked like I had my shizz together and people constantly complimented that superficial quality about me. However, inside, I was a mess. But no one had any idea. 

Now, I've been happily (most of the time) single for coming up on four years, but have fallen head-over-heels in love with God. And ice cream, but in a different way, you know? I rarely give food a second thought and frequently enjoy meals out with my friends, eating whatever sounds good and probably ordering a mojito, too. I don't know how many calories I eat or burn. I laugh every. damn. day. I love school and I love blogging and I love connecting with others. 

I sometimes feel like I don't have my shizz together, and for the most part, I don't. But I also don't freak out if people know that I don't have it together because I share a LOT on here and I know now that I actually have readers besides Mom and Dad (!!!). I know that I could pass by another student at school and he/she could've read my post about weight gain and maybe that person remembers the thinner me, but I like this version of me a helluva lot more. 

I don't have my shizz together. Certainly not. But hey, that's part of the reason I'm here (the other part being the food). I want you to know that, even after God helps you tackle a big life event or conquer a disorder or get over that loss, it's okay to feel like a single college student who still doesn't understand some chemistry and has to budget and remember to pay bills and maintain a social life and this and that and this, too. And it can all get really crazy and overwhelming and maybe even scary but...

... but at the end of the day, I'm here and I'm me and you're wherever you and you're you, and maybe just maaaaaaybe we can connect. We can be friends and we can talk about protein bars and peanut butter or God and eating disorders or Zac Efron (*cough cough*) and working out. I just want to share my favorite foods, my life experiences for the benefit of both of us, and God's work in it all. 

best night (with my girls + gooooooood food, of course) I've had in a while :)

Cleaning Things Up

Just kidding - that's not even possible. I just couldn't quite think of a better title. So, I'm glad you're reading this (and I hope you continue) because I can then explain more of what I mean. 

If you've known me for a while, you know my past. You know my previous struggles from years ago, you know my recent struggles within the past month, and you probably know what I ate for breakfast this morning. If you're new to me, hello! Thank you for stopping by. A short synopsis of my story - I struggled through an eating disorder that lasted from my junior year of high school through my sophomore year of college. Finally, I'm recovered. *deep, deep breath* WOW that feels so good to proclaim with all the confidence in the world. Where am I now? I'm following step by step behind God, as He leads me along His plan for my life. As we walk together, I'm sweeping up the remains of my past - and by that I mean the results of my eating disorder. Just because I've recovered doesn't mean I don't deal with those negative thoughts at all. I still compare myself, question calories, and (I hate to say it) idolize food and my figure over more important, demanding things like school, relationships, etc. However, the majority of the time, I'm good. 

Recently, I've been reflecting on each "stage" of my journey, if you will. From the highly restrictive initial stage, into the discovery of vegetarianism and little peaks on which I found true balance, through the extremely high-carb/low-fat vegan part and lowest weight of all time, and, finally, recovery. Here. Maybe this sounds silly, but I see all of that portrayed through my blog (recipes, nutrition tips, life posts, and even Instagram). Duh - this website began in order for me to share my story and I want to keep it true to ME, wherever I am in life. Buuuuut, my past has been weighing on me lately. While I'm not ashamed of it in any way (I'm actually really thankful for it), I can't ever - EVER - recommend any of "diets" or "health tips" I offered throughout those times to anyone. They were fueled by an eating disorder that desired nothing more than to burn fat and eat as strictly healthy as possible.

That's just not who I am anymore. I don't follow a HCLF vegan diet. I don't eat just salad with steamed veggies and chicken for dinner. I don't workout every single day. 

I also don't - 98% of the time - struggle with an eating disorder. 

Now here's where things might sound weird. Instagram is most likely the first thing people see when they find HungryHaley. Via Instagram (the link in my bio), they'll find this blog, should they choose to continue exploring. I've dealt with my fair share of body image/outward appearance issues, and this, at first, seemed like just another one of those. So, I tried to brush it off my shoulder, but I think God's been laying it so heavily on my heart to tell me that this is o k a y. This is MY blog, after all, right? 

What you may or may not know is that, two and a half years ago, when I began this blog, I was still within the tight grip of my eating disorder. Squeezing myself out (or attempting to do so without the help of my all-powerful God) took years, and that's why I say that my posts during that time are skewed, inaccurate, and untrue to me. 

Maybe I'm just making too big of a deal, but I've already written quite a bit and it's dead week and I should be studying but I've invested myself into this post so I'm going for it. 

I've decided to delete most of my previous Instagram pictures because, as I said before, I just can't let my readers (old and familiar, or new and oh-so-welcomed) see those and possibly think of them as "healthy". Truth is - they are not. They are restrictive, minimal, and unbalanced. If someone truly wants to know my past, it's all here. But, as far as my "image" (or whatever you want to call it) goes, I'm cleaning things up. The more time I spent reflecting, the more I compared where I am now to where I was then, and this is mostly on a superficial, body-image scale (and accounts for that 2% of non-recovered mindset I mentioned earlier).

so. un. healthy. I am where I am now by the grace of God and I am SO grateful. From then to now represents my salvation. Then = imbalance, idolization, obsession, self-comparison, etc. Now = balance, faith, freedom, gratitude, happiness, true health. No need to look back and compare. 

This is for me. But this is also - kinda/sorta - for you, my beloved readers. This blog is absolutely precious to me, and I will not let it represent anything that isn't true to who I am and what I believe. These pictures evoke negative thoughts and memories that pull me back into my struggles and, I'll say it one more time, I'm cleaning things up. 

None of this - the pictures, the posts, the eating disorder, the whatever - defines me. Yet, I want to represent me. I want to represent a positive example of healthy, balanced living. 

The more I write, the more I wonder, "Will anyone even care/notice that I've 'cleaned things up'?" Probably not, but writing and lifting it off my chest is just this thing I have that makes me feel better. Hence, this blog. I tend to write and think and write those thoughts (oh, and eat). 

Anyway, I need to get back to studying. If you've made it this far, thaaaaaaaanks :) Seriously, your support means mui mucho (Spanish skill level = -3) to me. 

Life Lately #2

Life lately. Hmm… life lately. I’m looking back on the last couple of months (since my last life update post), trying to gather everything God’s been up to, but considering the amount of pure business I’ve piled on my plate, locating God’s hand hasn’t quite been as easy as usual. I’ll explain. I guess it allllllll ties together at the end, so just follow along. As always, excuse my all-over-the-place-ness.

UPS

1. I conquered organic chemistry! Can I get a HOLLAAA. Don’t get me wrong – I absolutely loved that class (deep, deeeeeeeeep down), but the stress of each weekly quiz, each midterm, etc. piled up a heavy weight on top of that love. Finally, all grades aside, I’m able to uncover and embrace that nerdy love :)

2. My brother got MARRIED! And thanks to not only his love for that beautiful woman, but also God’s gracious providence, my family and I found ourselves spending a week in London to celebrate. Sure, I missed a week of school and struggled to catch up, but everything London held for us made it allllllll worth it. We spent a day or two exploring Central London (Harrod’s Food Hall = earthly heaven) and the rest of the time preparing everything needed for the wedding. God showed up oh-so-beautifully on the day of the wedding, bringing us sunshine (a rare occasion in London winters), happy tears, warm hearts, and gratitude unable to be measured by even the world’s biggest tablespoon.

3. I’m actually loving my classes this quarter. Yup – you heard me. I LOVE my classes! Wait, I might be getting ahead of myself. Two of my three classes have captivated my interest more than any other class EVER: biochemistry and nutrition in aging. The third, the history of the trans-atlantic slave trade, is a bit less captivating (maybe all the inhumane torture and shameful, ignorant cruelty stands in the way of grabbing my interest). At the end of the day, studying isn’t really my main hobby, but when my classes pertain to my passions and said hobbies, studying becomes much more feasibly and even enjoyable. Let that be a word of advice to all you soon-to-be and current students – study subject(s) you’re passionate about!

4. In the near future, I see a BIG wide opening in my schedule, which I’ll explain because it’s like half-up, half-down in terms of its placement in this post. It’s an “up” because it’s been a necessity for months, but I haven’t been allowing God enough say in how I schedule my life. Wow – that whole sentence sounds terrible. God needs the ultimate say in my life’s schedule, not just a little piece of it. eye roll. Anyway, I’ll come back to this later.

DOWNS

1. I quit my job. I am no longer an employed, working woman. To connect what I was just talking about, I decided to stop working at the best donut company ever (*cough cough* SLO DO CO.) simply because I need to breathe. I need to allow God full control and trust Him in every aspect, especially my schooling and income. My constant working throughout the past three months provided me with an income bigger than my head (okay, my head isn’t big enough to justly fit into that comparison, but it is pretty big so I thought like idk why not), and while that was extremely beneficial in helping my parents support me, it was also a bit harmful. I’d finish working on a Saturday, absolutely e x h a u s t e d and convince myself that I could go out and “reward” myself for such hard work with a new pair of leggings, dinner at the Whole Foods salad bar (all my health-nut foodies know what I’m talking about), or something along those lines. So, yeah, my paycheck was pretty fat, but I slimmed it down rather quickly and needlessly. Now that I’ve decided to stop working (and in its place, focus on school + myself + my blog), I’ll be earning less money and asking God for the wisdom and control to spend what I do earn more wisely.

2. Along with this theme of emptying my way-too-full plate of unnecessary life items, I’ve had to let some potential relationships – well, actually it’s just one – turn down a road I previously hoped it wouldn’t. Why? I asked myself that question A LOT in the decision-making process, but with God constantly placing on my heart the possible outcomes of NOT taking the initiative (and, of course, my best friends just looking out for me), I couldn’t ignore the fact that my letting this nagging thing go is only for my good. Ultimately, it boiled down to self-respect. I love myself too much and I know how much I AM loved already to not let an unhealthy situation go. You know? So, I guess it’s got quite a bit of “UP-ness” wrapped up inside, too :)

3. While the trip to London for my brother’s wedding took obvious priority over my classes, I’m now playing the challenging catch-up game. You know, the one where you tell yourself you’ll definitely stay on top of studies during your vacation, and then that doesn’t happen, so you arrive back home and you’re like AHHHOMGEVERTYHINGSLOWDOWNPLEASE. Trying to cram for two midterms (something I’m proud to say I’ve never done, until this point) is like trying to catch Allyson Felix and Usain Bolt in the Olympic 100M dash. Lol not possible.

GOALS

Eeeeeep! This is the part I’m most excited to share :) can you tell? Now that I’ve cleared off my life-plate of commitments that contributed to it’s over-piling, I’ve set some goals for the next few months that I cannot wait to walk with God towards!

Note: this is in no particular order of importance.

1. More blogging – yaaaaaaaaaaay! This one was an automatic priority for me in terms goals, but I had to warm my parents up to the idea at first. Of course, I do need some sort of income, and that’s where this baby comes into play. At the moment, it won’t provide a stable income for me, but the more I work on it (and believe me, I want nothing more), the more credibility I’ll build and the more I’ll be able to earn in the future. What can you expect? More workouts (sustained energy thanks to DrinkRE energy shots), more recipes (featuring products like NuttZo nut + seed butter), more faith posts, and more nutrition advice. Get excited – I sure am :)

Oh, and Eat Healthy Designs, of course!

2. More “Jesus-time”. If this list were in a particular order, this number would undoubtedly come first. By the end of last quarter (my busiest 11 weeks ever), I’d never felt more drained – physically and spiritually. Adding up 20-hour-workweeks + endless hours studying for organic chemistry + hours needed to let my body even slightly catch up to the workload I expected from it resulted in practically no time to just sit and breathe and think and p r a y. I felt so guilty for allowing such an accumulation, but God does not want my guilt, so I’ve snapped out of it and used His gracious forgiveness to tie a promise to my heart to put Him first from here on out. After all, how else am I going to fuel this quarter and all others (academic or not) yet to come?

3. More relationships. My prioritization of working and studying last quarter left only a sliver of time for a social life. No, I’m not extrovert, but even us introverts still desire a bit of human interaction on a daily basis. For me, I wanted so desperately to hang out with my best girlfriends, but I couldn’t find the time. I can’t thank God enough for the courage to open up my schedule this quarter – I’ve already been able to soak up some quality time with my girls AND plan a few more girl-dates with lovely women I’m not super close with… yet :) I’m stoked to be able to devote more time to not only my bestest of friends, but also to whomever God is ready to plant in my life. I’ve applied for a position on Cal Poly’s Health Education team, in hopes of becoming a nutrition and/or mental health counselor. Prayers would be much appreciated :)

So, yeah. That’s the life of this busy-blogger lately. As always, thank you times a million for reading – your support allows my blog a place in this world! I would love to hear what’s new in your life! Leave a comment below or send me an email! 

2016 All Wrapped Up

Another 365 days down, huh? Gosh, I feel like a grandma sometimes when I say that these years go by faster and faster as I grow older. Even more amazing, though, is how God can pack so much into such little time.I think it's important to look back, remember, reflect, learn, and grow from as many life experiences as possible, aaaaand these posts seem to be pretty dang popular as the New Year celebration approaches, so I'm hopping on the train :) come along with me and let's look back at 2016... well, mine at least. 

WOOPS:

1. MY PERIOD, BABY. Oh yeah, you heard me. This girl finally regained her period after almost two whole years! Of all the struggles my eating disorder threw upon me, amenorrhea was one of the most terrifying. I feared permanent infertility and how that would affect possible relationships/marriage. My period's long-awaited return was a product of weight gain, decreased exercise, and full surrender to God (and those three all tie hand-in-hand, I guess). Want to know how I did it? Read the entire post here.

2. WEIGHT GAIN. You'll see this guy again later on, but in this case, I'm highlighting it because without it, I couldn't say that I'm recovered from my eating disorder. I probably couldn't have modified and expanded my workout routine. And I definitely couldn't have built a solid trusting relationship with God. At my absolute lowest weight throughout my eating disorder, I'd step on the scale and see somewhere between 114-116 pounds. Just about a week ago, and for the first time in a long time might I add, I stepped on the scale at my parents' house and saw 124 pounds. No greater feeling of accomplishment could've flooded through my veins at that moment :)

3. NUTRITION MAJOR. I'm officially a nutrition major at Cal Poly SLO! From my freshman year until about halfway through my sophomore year, I studied journalism. However, I remember calling my parents one night as I walked home from a racism, sexism, and the media journalism class, practically sobbing as I realized I hated it all. Of course, I'm passionate about social media, as well as topics like racism and sexism, but journalism just wasn't for me. From that day until the end of June, I was stuck in transition from journalism --> nutrition, stressing out like never before over chemistry, but also peeing my pants in excitement to finally take classes on topics I study in my free time (nerd, much?). When I saw that I passed my hardest chemistry class which determined whether or not I'd officially be a nutrition major, I'm like 97% positive I actually did pee my pants a little bit.

4. BAPTISM. Ultimate highlight, right here. May 22, 2016 - by the far the best day of my life :) I'd been baptized as a sophomore in high school, but at the time, didn't truly understand the depth behind it nor who God really is and His significance in my life. I can't say that my recovery prompted me to be re-baptized, but I can't really say vice versa, either. Rather, God perfectly intertwined both, enabling them as one to pull me out of that struggle. Read more here :)

5. EBOOK. I wrote, designed (alongside my Daddy-O), and published my first ever ebook! Okay, I know it sounds suuuuuuper exciting, and it was, but it proposed a pretty big challenge. Balancing school, a social life, and blogging all while dealing with one of the hardest chunks of my eating disorder? Somehow, this ebook made it out alive, and in mid-August, with the help of my tech-savvy roommate, finally went live on the blog! Totally completely 100% free and easy to download. Just click on over here :)

POOPS: 

1. WEIGHT GAIN: Told ya' you'd see this again. Gaining weight was, by far, the absolute hardest part of recovery. For those of you who have been or are going through this, you know (and you should smile because you're definitely not alone). I still struggle sometimes, when I look in the mirror or squeeze into jeans I once used to slide into or feel a little jiggle when I'm working out. I still struggle sometimes with not just accepting my new body, but embracing it. At this weight, I know I'm the healthiest I've ever been, but I'm not a size two and I don't have a six pack like I always wanted. BUT I can run and jump and laugh and produce a period and eat pretty much whatever I want with very little to no mental interference. I DO love my new body, and I'm praying that God continues to fill my heart with gratitude for how He's healed me :)

2. SINGLENESS STRUGGLES: Ugh. Sometimes I'm annoyed this is even a thing, you know? Like, why do I have to care so much about (dumb) boys?! Why can't I just be happy as can be living my, what I like to call, "single as a pringle" lifestyle? Well, to answer my own question, because God created me as a woman to desire such deep relationships with others and stand intentionally in them, producing life, encouraging growth and flourishing for both the other person and myself. Two of the books I read this summer implanted within my mind this understanding - "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge and "Girl Defined" by Bethany Baird and Kristen Clark. Yepp, I still crave a hand to hold, forehead kisses, and above all, someone to grow in Christ with, and no, I haven't really found that person yet. Buuuuut I know that, whether or not God actually has him in the cards for me, I have God, and He is more than enough :)

3. BUSY, BUSY, BUSY. I may or may not have totally overwhelmed myself this Fall quarter of school. Working 20-25 hours each week, trying to balance a social life, introversion and blog, all while enrolled in 15 units (organic chemistry, mostly) beat me up, but I did survive. This mind-boggling 11 weeks opened my eyes to what I hope life doesn't look like all the time, and reminded me how much I really do need to slow down, breathe, prioritize, and simply let God handle my life instead of trying to do so on my own.

So, yeah... that's about it. Of course, God stocked 2016 FULL of lifelong memories, huge achievements, and straight up blessings beyond what I could fit in one read-able post :) again, thanks so much for reading and I can't wait to explore 2017! 

Life Lately

I will post this today I will post this today I will post this today. 

Breathe. Welcome to my life, everyone! Lately, life looks like my bedroom on my I-don't-know-what-to-wear days, or maybe a beat-up vacuum, running around on auto-pilot, trying to suck up as many crumbs (aka items on my to-do list) as possible as quickly as possible. 

Last night was the first night - no, the first time - in months I've sat down to really spend time with Jesus and only Jesus. Heck, I practically buckled myself to the couch just to keep from uncontrollably getting up to either finish homework or wash dishes or let myself fall asleep. Honestly, focusing on Him but also r e l a x i n g was HARD. My mind constantly swerved off track, but God graciously placed it back where it needed to be. 

Finals, work, and everything else filling up my schedule have kept me busy enough to keep me from finding time to post anything I've had in mind here, but like I did last night, I shoving all else aside for the moment because I want to and I need to and I should :) so, here's my life lately...

UPS

1. I'm almost done with Fall quarter! And organic chemistry! Part of me hates it - the tricky questions, the demanding time-requirement, the hard-a$$ exams - and the other part finds such inexplicable satisfaction in drawing out mechanisms that turn acetals to imines and back. Call me weird, I get that all the time.

2. I just hit 19K followers! Well, I shouldn't even squeeze myself into that sentence. 19K followers here would not even exist without God - it's allllll Him :) but seriously, how in the world did all of this happen? My eating disorder? I guess that's kind of the root of this all, in the most beautiful way possible. Had I not suffered and survived, and held God's hand through it, I wouldn't have much to say here. At the end of each day, I'm more thankful than I ever thought I would be/could be for such a hellish few years fighting my own body.

3. I'm in one of the happiest, most peaceful states to date. With my body, that is. Two years ago, I deprived and overworked myself. One year ago, I idolized food and pitied myself. Now, God's restored my relationship with eating and blessed me with not only such confidence, but with real, sustainable HEALTH. My knees don't hurt (though I still don't run), my head isn't dizzy, my skin stays relatively clear, and my weight isn't dropping. I see myself in the mirror in a state I've never been in, and (for the moment, at least) I never want to leave.

4. I'm seeing the different paths and opportunities God lays before me. A BS in Nutrition can take me pretty much anywhere, but I've never really been able to pin down what I want to do after I graduate. Thankfully, God's been opening my eyes to a) passions unknown to even me, b) people who need help (help I can provide via my own life experiences and education), and c) various career paths down which I can travel. Though I still don't know what His plan is, I know He's definitely got one and I can't wait to follow His lead

DOWNS

1. I'm feeling controlled by school. Yupp - like I'm a robot and my professors each hold their own controller. Frustrating? Like you wouldn't believe. Throughout the past year, I've repeatedly wondered what life would look if school didn't consume most of it, but I have to remind myself that I'm here for a degree, because I enjoy learning (underneath all the stress), and to expand knowledge. Ugh, but allllllll those hours to spend studying... snap out of it, Haley!

2. I'm thirstier than ever for God. And while this may sound like more of an "UP", as it can only pull me closer to Him, it's here because I haven't been doing my part to lay everything at His feet in return for His refreshing spirit. With all I've piled on my plate - 15 units, 20 hours a week of work, and seemingly endless time studying with a drop or two of a social life scattered throughout - I frequently feel like I "can't find the time". A few days ago, I put my phone away during the times of day I'd usually be scrolling through IG or checking emails or responding to texts, and realized that, yes, I'm busy and time is not something I've got much of, but God doesn't ask for that. He just asks for my heart. I've promised Him that and just because 90% of the time I'm running to here and from there, finishing this assignment and studying for that exam, whatever it may be, I can ALWAYS spend time with God. It's not about finding/making the time, it's about acknowledging Him in every moment.

3. I'm ready, but God might not be. *sigh*. This one is not easy to admit, for some reason. It's probably my stubborn, I've-got-it-all-together-ness keeping me from opening up about it. BUT here it goes :) I'm ready for a relationship! And yes, like a romantic one involving a cute, Jesus-and-veggie-loving boy with whom I can snuggle on Friday nights when I'm too lazy to do anything else, with whom I can drool over and cook duhhh-licious vegan food with, and with whom I can just share things with (i.e. even deeper versions of this life update). One thing, though - I don't know if it's in God's plan. I've dated in the past couple of months, but nothing's worked out and I fear that this one or the next one (whenever those may occur) might not work, either. At the end of the day, I have two choices: 1) worry that I'll end up alone and sob as I spoon pints (yes, pints) of vegan ice cream into my mouth, OR 2) continue to pray over every relationship in my life and worship Him no matter my relationship status. Guess which I choose :)

GOALS

1. Barre, barre, and more barre. I'm obsessed, and if you watch any of my snapchat or instagram stories, you know that by now. Last week, I subscribed to Barre3 - a studio that allows me full access to any workout on the website for just under $25 a month. You'd better believe I'm already scrolling through workouts, planning when I'll challenge myself to this one or that one or, well, alllll of them. I can't wait to accumulate all the official gear and just absorb as much knowledge about the practice as possible! Get ready for some barre workouts making an appearance here :)

2. EMBRACE school. This one's gonna' be a tough one, but I'm challenging myself to it because, deep down beneath all the assignments and exams, I truly do enjoy what I'm learning in school. My chemistry professor explained to us alllllll about pesticides and nerve agents and such toxic chemicals used in WWII and I felt so nerdy in my fascination for it all. I sat on the edge of my seat the entire length of the class! My goal for next quarter is to find pieces of each of my classes that sparks such interest in me. Whether it be that I create scenarios in my mind to apply something to my life, or that I take fewer classes to allow myself more time/energy for each, I just want to feel excited about learning again. Oh, and I want my grades to reflect that...

3. Post one recipe/nutrition tip/workout/update a week. One a week - I can do that. That's manageable. Believe me, if I could post here every single day, I'd be all over that. Buuuuuut school and homework and studying and work and those couple drops of a social life I mentioned earlier. As much as I wish I could just blog day and night, I do want to soak up as much as I can of all that this time in my life has while I have it. That being said, I think one post a week is a solid balance point.

Ahhhh, so that's life lately! Again, THANK YOU for your constant support and love. Thank you for reading and for spending time here :) As always, if you've got any questions, suggestions, or anything else, post them below or send them over to me in an email! 

Faith: Living Near to God

Father, just pull me in close to You. Wrap me up in Your arms and don't ever let me squeeze my way out. My deepest desire, underneath the the most worldly ones that cloud my mind everyday, is to feel Your presence as if it were my backpack, or my shirt, or my earrings. I want nothing to stand between You and me. 

This weekend, Cru hosted its annual Fall Retreat. I could go on and on, writing pages about the friendships I developed, the new faces I met, the beautiful beach-side weather, and how I found vegan options everywhere we went, but I can do that anytime. What's most important here is the paragraph in Italics above - that was my prayer before and during Fall Retreat, but it's transformed since then.

The theme of this weekend was road-tripping with the Lord. One question the speaker repeatedly asked was, "Who do you follow?" with an emphasis on who and not what. At first, I thought, I follow Jesus, duh, but as I stepped back from my ego I realized that sometimes I don't. Sometimes, I follow my parents' suggestions, or a vegan-vlogger on Instagram, or my best friends when I don't know what to do or when I can't hear God's answer to my prayers. "Trace the master," the speaker said, as I sunk into my realization. When I was a kid and didn't know how to color, I traced the outline of another picture. Do I trace God's word and His teachings when I feel lost? Does my life paint a picture of my faith in my Father who saved me? 

When I couldn't bring myself to answer these questions, I prayed those words above, begging God to pull me in and strap me in tight. In Exodus 33:14, the Lord tells Moses that He is with him everywhere. 

“The Lord replied, ‘I will personally go with you, Moses, and I will give you rest - everything will be fine for you.’”

— Exodus 33:14, NLT

The Lord is always with me. The Lord is always with me. The Lord is always with me. Then why do I not feel Him go through those dry spells when I can't feel God there with me? God showed me His answer to that by directing me to Philippians 4:8-9...

“And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your eyes on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you have learned and received from me - everything you heard form me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.”

— Philippians 4:8-9

...and I was like, "Ohhhhhh, gotcha." I hadn't been tracing God. I'd been tracing my parents, my favorite bloggers/vloggers, my best friends (no matter how in love with God they may be), and myself. I know that there is no right or wrong way to pray, but I think God was waiting for me to realize that I am the one who needs to draw closer to Him, not Him to me. When I gave my life to Christ, God pulled me in, but as distractions and "to-do's" come about, I let them squeeze in between that heavenly embrace. 

God never disappears completely. He never takes the exit ramp when road-tripping with me. The only time I can't see Him is when I forget to use my windshield wipers to de-fog - when my mind is juggling school, midterms, work, friendships, family, boys, myself, and blah blah blah. While those are all important to a certain extent, by giving them too much attention I inflate my ego, fog my windshield, and involuntarily release myself a little more from that heavenly embrace. 

I want to be aware of my surroundings - my family, best friends, favorite bloggers, schoolwork, etc. - but my deepest desire is to be so intertwined/absorbed/wrapped up in God's presence that my surroundings remain surroundings rather than examples/tracers/too-powerful-distractions. My goal is for my life to paint a picture of God's beautiful love, grace, and mercy. It doesn't have to be pretty, because that might signify too much focus on the opinion of my surroundings. 

I'm not a perfect artist - in fact, I'm not even really an artist according to the world's definition. I am a student holding a pencil, tracing God's image. God is in the car with me on my life's road-trip, and He wants me to (as cliche as this may be) sit back and enjoy the ride. :) 

So Father, this is me taking your hand, buckling myself in to the passenger seat, picking up the pencil, ready to follow you, to trace your steps. As these worldly wants and "needs" cloud my mind, help me de-fog. Honk the horn if You have to. YOU are my deepest desire and my most vital necessity. YOU are the warmest, most comforting and rejuvenating embrace, and I want to live, rest, eat, breathe in Your arms. Thank you for always welcoming me back in :) 

Thoughts: Stress & Worries & Life

I don't like to begin any blog post with a negative statement, but I don't know any other way to begin this story. 

I'm three weeks deep in my second year at Cal Poly and already chasing my load of homework/studying while desperately praying that God would attach just a few mores hours at the end of each day. Between classes, my internship, said homework/studying, blogging, and spending much-needed time with my friends, adjusting to the abrupt transition from summer relaxation to academic hustle and bustle has been exactly that. 

Oh, and I'm going vegan. Last week, I removed animal products from my diet in hopes of a) simply switching things up (I like change and variety and excitement... and food) and b) on a deeper level, truly testing out a fully plant-based lifestyle. Read more about all that here. After about three days, I'd pretty much made up my mind in favor of sticking with veganism long-term, but I reminded myself that three days is just not long enough for my body to adjust to a relatively new set of eating habits. I was thrilled and fueled by the absence of bloating, fatigue, and dietary restrictions, and couldn't wait for the week to be over so I could just make the switch then and there - no questions asked, no turning back. 

But school work started piling up and my To-Do list grew longer and longer. I was sacrificing sleep to make time for shortening that list, memorizing statistics terms, and reading chapters upon chapters for History and Journalism classes. Of course, anxiety and stress tagged right along and stole even more sleep. I noticed that I wasn't as hungry anymore, which was a foreign concept to me - Hungry is my name. What's going on? Is this a side-effect of veganism? I wondered. It can't be. Have you seen how much food vegans can polish off? My confusion probably created more stress. It's a vicious cycle, isn't it? 

Everything around me triggered sensitivity spikes - if friends or family wouldn't respond to a text quick enough, if teachers assigned extra reading or a pop-quiz, if a distracted pedestrian stepped into the bike lane without first looking both ways. I knew I needed to understand what was taking control of me so that I could calm down and rejuvenate. Touchy-tempers, anxiety, and mood-swings are not who I am. 

On Monday morning, right after my workout and just before heading out the door, I opened up "Jesus Calling" to read that day's devotional. "Remember that joy is not dependent on your circumstances," read the first line. I looked around my room, actually suspicious of hidden cameras or microphones somewhere documenting the past few days of my life. OKAY THIS IS WAY TOO ACCURATE, GOD. YOU'RE SCARING ME. Book slammed shut, face buried in my pillow, I was disappointed in myself for forgetting that slice of God's promise (yes, His promise is more delicious than your favorite pie). I prayed for God to work on my heart, to restore the precious positivity I thrived off of only a few days ago, and let the first line of that day's devotional make itself comfortable in my heart and mind. 

And with that, God went to work. He reshaped my attitude, cleaned up my mindset, and rearranged my priorities. "Your midterm, your homework, your expectations, your busy weekend - all of it - give it to me. I want to take care of it because I know what to do with it all. I love you Haley, but you don't know what you're doing when it comes to this stuff," I heard Him say. 

I'm writing this in my journalism notebook somewher eover Colorado, and my previous flight had been delayed a few times. As if I weren't stressed out enough, I'd now have to race to my connecting flight. Hoping to spark up some conversation to ease my worried mind (it tends to worry, if you haven't noticed), I leaned over to the man next to me and said, "These delays can be a little inconvenient, huh?" to which he responded instantly, but with a relaxation I'd been longing for for almost a week, "Well, you can't worry about what you can't control." Later on, I overheard him say he was scheduled for a connection flight even earlier than mine. HA. At that point, I figured it was in my best interest to to just shush up and sink quietly and humbly back into my seat. 

The more I allow life's little "inconveniences" to take up space in my mind, the less I allow myself to enjoy, to rejuvenate, to taste, to sleep, to smile. This is not a lesson I learned solely by subtracting animal products from my diet, or by reading "Jesus Calling" every morning and praying for peace, or by watching YouTube videos on everything from vegan recipes to living in the moment. This is a lesson I learned by listening to my mind, my heart, and my body, by spending more time deep in God's word and presence and love, by humbling myself enough to admit that I need help.

God has curriculum individually designed for each one of us, so the ways in which I came to this realization might be different from the ways in which you already have or will, and that's why I'm sharing this. My experiences with stress do turn out positive at the end, at the finish line celebration, but I'm making it a goal to start the celebration at the beginning of the race and never let it end. *insert "life's too short" quote here*. Just like the guy on the plane said, why should I worry about it, why give it my irreplaceable time and energy if there's nothing I can do about it? 

Embrace it. Soak it up. The valleys we walk through are full of opportunities. When I find myself traversing through those valleys with my eyes closed and head down, I blind myself. I inadvertently ignore the abundance of blessings with which that valley and every other peak and river in life are bursting. 

Stress seems inevitable. That's truth - I know. But read that sentence again. It seems inevitable. Talk to God, confess to Him your fears. Laugh with your friends and family because that's what they're there for. Eat good food - potatoes were meant to baked, PB & J to be the best of friends, and fruits and vegetables to be your number one source of fuel. 

Life is abundant and beaming and bursting and glowing and that's exactly how God designed it for you and me. He doesn't want us to miss out on any of that, so He tells us to find comfort in Him and to bring to Him our worries and fears. When we surrender those, the clouds move away and the sun takes its place high up in the sky. SOAK IT UP :) 

Faith: Running My Race

On the track, the popularity and usage of this verse is equivalent to that of Philippians 4:13. To me, it's overused and placed in the wrong context, so it's never been one of those key verses I keep in the back of my mind. I've also had trouble understanding what "race" God is talking about, but He made everything clear to me this morning in church. 

By "us", God is pointing to each of us in His kingdom as individuals. Read it as though God is talking to YOU - not "us", not your bible study, not your family. Just you. Run the race God has set for ME. Okay, but what race? In Jeremiah 29:11, God assures us that He has a plan for our lives, and that plan is this race He's referring to in Hebrews. 

I'll be the first to admit that finding community in Christ was not only the highlight of my freshman year, but also the very blessing that equipped me with everything and more I needed to thrive. BUT alone time, quiet time, one-on-one time with God is absolutely essential. Establishing, maintaining, and prioritizing that relationship first is the foundation for eternal life with Him - it's the beginning of the race and the endorphins that fuel endurance throughout. 

When the pastor dove deeper into this verse, God reminded me of habits like comparison, jealousy, and pride.... yeah, guilty. They seem almost impossible to avoid - magazines practically advertise the powers of photoshop more than clothing, cars, homes, etc., and the constant encouragement to buy more, do more, be more doesn't leave us alone. While giving in to those habits is easy, it's also like trying to run another person's race, and no matter how hard we push or how fast we run, we can't win someone else's race. 

God has already written my story and your story - He did so even before we were born - and He wants us to spend our lives with Him, reading that story. Be the main character; embrace every personality, every beauty mark, every imperfection - God smiles when we thank Him like that. 

I haven't been able to think about much else besides this topic today (except the fries I'm baking right now - I hope heaven smells like this), and I can hear God whispering to me about how it applies to my eating habits. Lately, I've bee fascinated by veganism and experimenting with it. Eating purely fruits, vegetables, grains, and nuts/beans/seeds seems to bring so much energy to those who adopt that lifestyle. If hundreds of other people love it, and I already eat similarly, why wouldn't I love it, too? 

Long story and lots of descriptive bodily functions short, it hasn't been working. I'm constantly hungry, tired in the afternoon, and bloated all day. No matter what any Insta-famous vegan says, the amount of sugar I feed my body in eating that much fruit just doesn't seem quite right. Oh, and, um, Greek yogurt? My bestie. Avocado + toast + fried egg = my favorite math equation. 

That's just me - those are some of the qualities God blessed me with. I love animals and I will never put animal flesh in my mouth again, but I don't think I was designed for a completely vegan diet. I feel energized, hydrated, satisfied, and healthy on a simple vegetarian diet. Whatever works for the HCLF vegans works for them, but not all of it works for me.

However, comparison, a little jealousy, and selfish pride still get the best of me. Sometimes I wish I could eat eight bowls of banana "ice cream", a farm-full of sweet potatoes, and bread to feed the 5,000, too. I long for the clear skin associated with veganism, and I cheer (sometimes rather loudly) for myself when I see ten new followers on my Instagram profile, but those concerns only slow me down in my race. Constantly craning my neck to check the pace of runners behind me or next to me pushes me farther behind. 

Replace those thoughts with gratitude, with a little self-love and positivity. Respect yourself and appreciate and embrace your character in God's story for you. Run your race to see Him at the finish line. As with all marathons, your muscles will ache, your throat will burn, and your mind might let some discouragement in every once in a while, but God's words are here to rejuvenate you every single day. He wants nothing more than to help you run your best race ever. 

God's pretty cool, huh?