When God Says "No"

Because God does say "no". 

During the years of my eating disorder, I didn't allow the Lord much control in my life. Despite His constant reminders via loved ones and my own body, I refused to gain weight and learn to depend on Him, rather than my appearance. To say that the Lord said "yes" or agreed to my stubbornness would be wrong. He could see the damage I was causing to the body He gave me and He could hear my all my thoughts towards food, my body, and others (a fact that still sends chills down my spine). 

Recently, I opened up about still struggling with lingering effects of my eating disorder. To name just a few - perhaps the most prominent - self-comparison, unnecessary stress over food, and idolization of people, followers, exercise, and myself. Simply opening up about those things brought me closer to Him, allowing Him to help me push those things farther and farther away and pull Him closer. However, one more weakness barged in, uninvited, a week or two ago and I've been wrestling it out the door of my mind ever since...

Running. And tied to it, my selfish desire for the slim figure for which I ran unbelievable amounts of miles each week in high school. I've laced up my shoes maybe three times in the past ten months. Three times. In ten months. For a devoted distance runner, the aching knees and piercing shin splints must be practically fatal to force one to throw away running shoes for good. For me, I cringe to admit that they were, but a weakness in my heart teamed up with the aches and pains to throwing them out my only option.

I remember jogging home, breathless and hot and sweaty, deaf to everything but the sound of my patterned heartbeat and heavy recovery breaths. I remember collapsing onto the floor, wiping sweat from my face, chugging a ginormous glass of ice cold water, stretching out my legs and calming my breath. I remember feeling, as cliche as it sounds, absolutely invincible after every run.

That was a year ago. 

Now, I remember barely reaching my warm-up distance and already coaching myself through the aches and pains. I remember unexpected tears pushed out by the sore muscles, the throbbing knees, and the confused, broken heart. I remember the prayer, Lord, WHY can't I run anymore? Have I gained too much weight? Am I... fat? Will I never be able to run again? Seriously??

That was two months ago. And my (brand new) running shoes are left buried beneath my converse, flip flops, cross-trainers, and a thin layer of dust on my shoe rack. I like them there, though, because I can't see them as easily. When I do see them, my mind becomes a malfunctioning reel of the 12-month-old happy running times, interrupted by the fairly new bitter ones.

Of course, just because I can't lace up one of my favorite pairs of shoes doesn't mean I've given up exercise. HIIT, swimming, cycling, and weight training have kept me in shape, but my shape isn't as slim as it used to be. In all honesty, this might be one of the hardest leaps I've had to take throughout recovery. Gaining the initial chunk of weight during high school challenged me to let go of control and to listen to my loving family friends. And I did it. 

So, why am I gaining more weight? Better yet, why am I still struggling to accept that this weight gain is healthy? 

Because I haven't been listening to God's insisting "no". 

• "NO" to my desire for control - I'm a control-freak. I always have been, but I know that with the Lord's help, I won't always be.

• "NO" to my idolization of running - I found such peace in the rhythmic pattern of my shoes against the pavement, but I gave it more time than I did to God.

• "NO" to my self-comparison with others - I fueled up for each run by pushing myself to chase after something. Sometimes it was a better PR, and sometimes it was a smaller jean size and motivation to burn off that bite of chocolate I'd eaten the night before.

Can you think back to a time when your parents didn't allow you to have/buy/do something? You were so upset in the moment, unable to understand how they could be this unfair. Maybe you wondered, in the heat of the moment, if they even loved you. And here you are now, looking back, (hopefully) so grateful for their "no" at that time. For whatever it was, it probably saved you. 

God finally stamped His foot down and said "no" - "enough" - to my running and the sin laced within my shoes. His "no" was firm and powerful and loud. It came in the form of throbbing knees and aching shins. Ouch. But I see His sweet grace in saving me from further bodily damage and, eventually, drifting farther away from Him in my idolization of running + obsession with my appearance. 

His "no" was hard to accept. I felt like it had broken my heart. I often found myself looking in the mirror, wishing for those flat runner's abs, the toned hamstrings, the thinner waist. That's when the Holy Spirit intervened to remind me that, through all of this...

• I'm working out and sweating and losing my breath and seeing muscle in places it hadn't been.

• I'm lifting more and swimming longer and cycling faster.

• I'm varying my workouts and regaining my period. Did you hear that? I'm regaining my period.

When I typed "when God says 'no'" into my search bar (because what else would a millenial do?), Google led me to 2 Samuel 22, "David's Song of Praise". Just like several times throughout the book of Isaiah, this chapter brought me to tears. King David sang this song to God upon His saving him from the wrath of his enemies. 

He's snatched me from the arms of my enemy and promised me a new life of assured beauty in His eyes, of unwavering love in His arms. 

“The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety. He is my refuge, my savior...”

— 2 Samuel 22:1, NLT

“The waves of death overwhelmed me, bu tin my distress I cried out to the Lord; yes, I cried to my God for help. He heard me from His sanctuary; my cry reached His ears.”

— 2 Samuel 22:5-7, NLT

“He reached down from heaven and rescued me; He drew me out of deep waters... He led me to a place of safety; He rescued me because He delights in me.”

— 2 Samuel 22:17-20, NLT

Maybe His "no" to running was His latching His arms around me before I eventually lost myself so deeply in my sin and ran out of His arms. I do miss running, but I don't miss stressing over not having my period, or icing my knees and shins late into the night, or constantly pushing myself to run farther to look like this or that. 

“God’s way is perfect. All the Lord’s promises prove true. He is a shield for all who look to Him for protection. For who is God except the Lord? Who but our God is a solid rock?”

— 2 Samuel 22:31-32, NLT

Thank you for reading. My prayer is that the Lord continues to work vulnerability into my everyday life so that you know you're not alone in your struggles. Eating disorders capture too many, and I can't imagine holding my struggles within, not allowing anyone to see how the Lord pull me out of such a tight grip. There IS hope. Recovery IS possible. God IS powerful and mighty and faithful. 

If you have any questions or comments, feel free to leave them below or send me an email :) 

What I've Learned From the Book of Isaiah

I began reading through Isaiah a few weeks before school ended (my second year, that is) and only recently finished. In the time between the first chapter and the last, I studied for and finished final exams/my sophomore year, traveled to and explored England with my family, (almost officially) moved out of home and into my new apartment in SLO, searched for and finally found not only one, but two, jobs, and am now soaking up the last month of summer and preparing for the start of my third year at Cal Poly. 

Why Isaiah? Well, quite honestly, no specific reasoning motivated me to start this book of God's word, other than simply wanting to understand more of Him. Now that I look back - after finishing the book, studying chapters over and over again, and listening to/reading through commentaries on it - I can clearly see it's relevance (not that any book of the Bible is irrelevant), specifically in the past six months or so of my life. Maybe you're new to my blog, or maybe you've followed me since I began, in which case you probably know my story. If the former is your case, click here to catch up. To summarize, I suffered through an eating disorder for about three years - beginning with minor anorexia, then spiraling into severe orthorexia. Recovery for me came in waves, which is the best way to describe when and how I fully recovered. I wish I could explain this down to it's core, but all I can say is the Holy Spirit moved in me so greatly during the last months of my sophomore year, encouraging me to be re-baptized and showing me more clearly than ever before the fullness of completely surrendering to, faithfully walking hand-in-hand with, and whole-heartedly living for my God. On May 22nd, I was washed by the most cleansing wave of all. While I still come across some lingering struggles with regards to food, physical appearance, and all that an eating disorder convinces us is of utmost importance, I no longer feel consumed and controlled by them. I no longer give in to that sin. 

Isaiah. Isaiah showed me the eating disorder that Israel went through. Now, it wasn't the same as mine, but the sin of idolization lies at the root of both.

Summary: 

Israel rebelled against God by worshipping things of this world - silver and gold, kings and rulers, and prideful self-glorification. Through visions of Isaiah (a prophet, son of Amoz), God lays out His plans for rebellious Jerusalem and Judah. Constantly, repeatedly, He warns the people about consequences of their sin and promises them of His salvation, if only they will surrender their idols and worship Him as King. Isaiah shares His encounter with the Lord, when he whole-heartedly, fearfully, obediently and passionately surrendered his life to the One who saved him. He stands as a faithful messenger for the Lord, bringing to the rebellious people Good News of Jesus' coming and God's rule. Just when I began to find comfort in these promises, however, the Lord shook me awake with words of anger and promises to destroy all idolaters and hypocrites. His anger is not forever, nor is it ultimately characteristic of Him, thankfully. The book of Isaiah holds a promise of Jesus, son of David's coming and with it life-giving words of hope. The Lord wants to open His people's eyes to all they've been missing, and to provide for them stability strong enough and worthy enough of all hope, faith, and praise - Jesus. Despite Israel's sin, God promises not to abandon the city. He is faithful in protecting it, if only the people will recognize Him and repent from their sin of idolization, and even addresses Israel as His servant. So faithful and so loving is He that He sends his son, Jesus the Messiah, and commissions him to declare His promise of everlasting love and salvation. The Lord tells of Jesus' purpose, and through him, how He will display God's mercy and grace. One last time, He warns against sin and offers encouragement and hope in that His arm is never too weak to save. Only are we weak enough to allow our sin to separate us from Him, and yet He still offers His son as Savior, Jesus the Messiah. The last few chapters of Isaiah burst with the Good News as he prays for Jerusalem's final salvation and continued faith in the Lord. His word paint heart-warming pictures of His gracious arms reaching down to a once-rebellious people to lift them up in salvation and honor, all for His glory. 

Application: 

Throughout my eating disorder (and even sometimes today), I sinned by worshipping my outward appearance, by believing the lies magazines and TV and society told me about size and beauty, and by living in fear of food instead of my God. The heart of my eating disorder longed for the Lord, but even though I'd called myself a Christian for years, I denied God because I feared that His plan wouldn't match mine. I wanted full control of my life - the life God blessed me with - but I was damaging my body, probably even shortening this precious life without knowing it. In my heart, I heard Him warning me of judgment, yet I refused to listen. In my heart, I felt His promise of restoration and salvation, yet I still refused to listen. I searched for comfort and affirmation in family and friends, but found nothing everlasting. Towards the end of this past school year (my second one at Cal Poly) I remember a few nights spent crying on my bedroom floor, overwhelmed by loneliness, purposelessness, and emptiness. Confused. Discouraged. Crying out to the Lord, I finally felt His arms wrap around me when I re-dedicated my life to Him through baptism. I no longer felt my worth tied to my blog, or my beauty dependent on my size. I no longer saw God as controlling, selfish, and frightening. He showed Himself to me as the forgiving, gracious Father He is and pulled me out of the consuming eating disorder. I sought Him wholeheartedly, and He appeared. I repented, and He forgave.

Outstanding Points: 

• Chapters 1-6 reminded me most of the worst times throughout those years. Blatantly, they laid out before me conviction of my sin and practically slapped me in the face with guilt. Reading God's own word about His anger and disappointment in a people who had committed the same sin I had been for so long left me feeling crushed and hopeless, though I'd been in successful recovery for months. Not knowing how the story would end but sure of the fact that Israel and I have much in common, I didn't know if I'd end up saved by God's gracious hands or defeated by His powerful wrath. It wasn't until He spoke some of the richest words yet at the conclusion of chapter 6 that I saw signs of a "happily ever after" ending, more clearly than ever before, His gracious hands working in my life just as He promised for Israel...

“...But as a terebinth or oak tree leavers a stump when it is cut down, so Israel’s stump will be a holy seed.”

— Isaiah 6:13, NLT

Whatever it was inside my eating disorder that cut me down, the Lord's hand took it over and made me a holy seed. Whatever it was inside your deepest struggle that crushed you, His hand wants to make you a holy seed, as well. His purpose in your suffering isn't to defeat you or kill you, but rather to use you as servants to glorify His holy name. You will become a holy seed of God's Good News! You will be made new by the Spirit, as He promises in Ephesians 2. 

• Chapter 37 tells of King Hezekiah's reaction to the king of Assyria's threats. King Hezekiah first instinct was not to respond directly to the king of Assyria. It was not to turn to his allies and his people for advice. It was to look to the Lord in prayer and ask for peace. I wondered how three-year-suffering would have been different, had I made prayer my first instinct. I wondered if my suffering would have even continued for as long as it did, had I humbled myself enough to bring my fears to the Lord, first and foremost.

“After Hezekiah received the letter from the messengers and read it, he went up tot he Lord’s Temple and spread it out before the Lord. And Hezekiah prayed this prayer before the Lord: ‘O Lord of Heaven’s Armies, God of Israel, you are enthroned between the mighty cherubim! You alone are God of all the kingdoms of the earth. You alone cerated the heavens and the earth. Bend down, O lord, and listen! Open your eyes, O Lord, and see!... Now, O lord our God, rescue us from his power; then all the kingdoms of the earth will know that you alone, O Lord, are God.’”

— Isaiah 37:14-20, NLT

• Chapter 59 answered one of the biggest questions I've held regarding God's love for us - if He loves us so much, then why does He allow bad things to happen? Why do I sometimes feel so far away from him? At the time I read this chapter, I was searching endlessly and for a job and feeling overcome with the stress of it all. It seemed as though God had backed away from me a little bit, as though He pulled His comforting hand out of my life. However, it is not the Lord who backs away or ignores us in these times, but rather it is our sin that causes us to feel distant from Him. Overwhelmingly moved by this realization, I couldn't keep it inside my own heart and I just had to share it - read it all here.

My biggest take-away:

• Well, I'm never really able to pick just one thing (if you're a close friend/family member, you know that all too well) of anything, but I guess what blew me away throughout Isaiah was how familiar it all sounded in comparison to my life. Each verse, each command and promise and word from the Lord walked me through my eating disorder. From the very beginning, three years ago - feeling ugly and unworthy - through to the very end, only a few months ago - feeling beautiful and cherished by the One who chose me - Isaiah painted it all, and finished it off with accents and sparkles and shimmers of God's grace.

• Idolization truly does lie at the heart of sin. Israel worshipped itself, along with treasures of this world and self-proclaimed kings and rulers, and I worshipped my own appearance, along with lies told by social media and self-proclaimed kings and rulers of today. The Lord clearly pointed this out to me through one of my favorite books, Idols of the Heart, by Elyse Fitzpatrick, and again through the book of Isaiah.

My favorite verses:

“‘Come now, let’s settle this,’ says the Lord. ‘Though your sins are like scarlet, I will make them as white as snow. Though they are red like crimson, I will make them as white as wool. If you will only obey me, you will have plenty to eat. But if you turn away and refuse to listen, you will be devoured by the sword of your enemies. I, the Lord, have spoken!’”

— Isaiah 1:18, NLT

“Then I heard the Lord asking, ‘Whom should I send as a messenger to this people? Who will go for us?’ I said, ‘Here I am. Send me.’ And He said, ‘Yes, go and say to this people:
’Listen carefully, but do not understand. Watch closely, but learn nothing.’
Harden the hearts of these people. Plug their ears and shut their eyes. That way, they will not see with their eyes, nor hear with their ears, nor understand with their hearts and turn to me for healing.’”

— Isaiah 6:8-10, NLT

“You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!”

— Isaiah 26:3, NLT

“The grass withers and the flowers fade, but the word of our God stands forever.”

— Isaiah 40:8, NLT

“But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.”

— Isaiah 40:31, NLT

“‘But as for you, Israel my servant... I have called you back from the ends of the earth, saying, ‘You are my servant.’ For I have chosen you and will not throw you away. Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged,for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.’”

— Isaiah 41:8-10, NLT

“I have refined you, but not as silver is refined. Rather, I have refined you in the furnace of suffering.”

— Isaiah 48:10, NLT

“‘Never! Can a mother forget her nursing child? Can she feel no love for the child she has borne? But even if that were possible, I would not forget you! See, I have written your name on the palms of my hands.’”

— Isaiah 49:15-16, NLT

“But he was pierced for our rebellion, crushed for our sins. He was beaten so we could be whole. He was whipped so we could be healed. All of us, like sheep, have strayed away. We have left God’s paths to follow our own. Yet the Lord laid on him the sins of us all.”

— Isaiah 53:5-6, NLT

Thank you for reading, and I encourage you to delve into the book of Isaiah. If you've gone through something similar to an eating disorder, this book brings comfort beyond belief. Comfort I wish I'd known existed in the heat of my worst few years. But, all in all, God's word stands and is the same yesterday, today, and forever :) thanks, God, for speaking to me. 

Thoughts: DO-NUT Deprive

I love donuts. I really do. And I want to share with you a little taste - a pretty "sweet" one - of how the Lord has blessed me with them, beyond the cute sprinkles, the rich chocolate, the irresistibly tempting, soft, cake-y dough. I recently shared this with a follower, and I figured that if He has now strengthened me enough to a) realize it, b) embrace it, and c) share it with one person, why not share it with the rest of you? Maybe the idea of the Lord using donuts to pull me a few steps further along in the lengthy process that is recovery sounds silly, but maybe such an aesthetically whimsical, light-hearted treat holds much more "umph" to it than what meets the eye (and/or the stomach). 

My third year of college stands only a month's length away, but this story begins at the halfway-mark of my first year. San Luis Obispo boasts one of the most unique, lively, esteemed donut places I've ever known - SLO Donut Company (SLO Do Co.). During my first few weeks at Cal Poly, I'd heard talk of this beloved shop, with everyone raving about it's Nutella-filled "pillow" donuts, it's study-friendly atmosphere, and even it's open-mic nights. All of that sounded, well, great to me, but donuts were nowhere near my eating-disorder-dominated grocery list. Reserved and rather anti-social, I rested in my thankfulness that none of the few people I'd befriended had invited me there... yet.

Yet. 

Around mid-April, when I'd finally grasped hold of the bible study and, within that, group of Christ-following girls God had waiting for me just outside my comfort zone, we all went to our church's women's retreat for a weekend. After a long drive home, much-needed showers and dinner, one of us insisted on a late-night donut-run to SLO Do Co. 

Her: "Haley, you've never been to SLO Do Co.?!"

Me, internally battling a sickening combination of anxiety + fear + innocent desire to fit-in: "No, I don't know, I guess I've just never gone?" UGH nonononononono please no. How do I do this?! Rejecting this invitation could seriously change their opinion of me. It could reveal some of my eating disorder. It could be the last invitation from them... I feared. 

Too scared to risk losing or damaging or even just simply changing in the slightest bit this blessing of a friendship, I suppressed my anxious thoughts as best I could and went with them. So many of my rules shot around in my mind - no food after 9 PM, especially not sweets + absolutely nothing deep-fried + as little refined-sugar possible - and the 15 minutes it took to drive there and stand line before we reached the counter seemed to take hours. My heart was actually beating at a much faster pace than what it should've been (and I'm known by my doctors for my slow, characteristically athletic heart-beat). I hated it. No - not the entire night, not the friendship, not SLO Do Co. or even the sweet, luring aroma of fresh donuts filling the air - but rather the painful, confusing war waging between my mind and heart.

Have you ever tried to display a comfortable, cheerful smile while making sure your friends don't know what stomach-twisting disease is taking over your body while trying to mathematically/aesthetically calculate which of the several donuts was the healthiest? It's practically impossible. Well, maybe it's not, because I did something along those lines. My friends might've noticed my discomfort, but I haven't opened up about this to them or anyone else really, only to that one follower (I hope, if you're reading this, that you know who you are). Finally, I ordered a maple old-fashioned donut. My reasoning? 1) It seemed to be the smallest, 2) it had no sugary toppings, and 3) it's maple frosting made me hope that it was made with less refined sugar than the others. 

We walked away, donut bags in hand, and I guess I thought that maybe resorting to the familiar comfort of @hungryhaley would calm my nerves. 

Me: "Wait - guys! Let's take a picture!" *everyone sets up their donut on the counter*

I snapped the picture in two seconds, and then it was time to eat. First bite... second bite... Okay, this is actually AMAZING... I thought to myself, and when I actually verbalized it, I felt this destructive internal war cease. For the first time in years, I felt actual, genuine h a p p i n e s s, actual, genuine p e a c e as I took bite after bite of a treat that broke all those restricting rules - a late-night, deep-fried, sugary donut. That's not where the story ends, though. There's more. However, I do encourage you pause here - take a 5-10 minute intermission to enjoy a treat. A donut.. maybe? :) 

Let's pick back up in my second year at Cal Poly. I became vegan in October, which meant no more late-night runs (not actually a "run", just to clarify) to SLO Do Co. Several other cafes in SLO bake vegan treats, but I still released a big sigh of relief at first, knowing I wouldn't encounter a night like my first visit to SLO Do Co. Buuuuuut I couldn't sigh for too long, because rumors of vegan donuts coming soon to SLO's favorite donut shop filled the air and again sped up my heart beat to a rate beyond what could be considered normal and healthy. 

Friends: "Aaahhhhhh Haley! You can finally come with us again to SLO Do Co. - they have vegan donuts! Have you tried them?" 

Ugh. Whyyyyyyy. was my initial response (internally, of course). 

At this point, I'd posted twice (initially in June 2015 and then, in more detail, in February 2016) already about my eating disorder, but neither post gave donuts as much well-deserved credit as this one does. My point being that, yes, I'd reached a pretty solid platform in my recovery, but God continues faithfully to hold my hand as He pulls me through more and more high's and low's of recovery. Of freedom. 

About two or three months passed between SLO Do Co.'s release of its first vegan donut and my first time biting into one. It was Mother's Day weekend and my mom, along with her college roommate who just so happens to be my former roommate's (and now very close friend's) mom. Funny, huh? Anyway, our moms came up to visit and treated us all to a lovely dinner at a fancy Italian restaurant. The dessert-location hung in the air, to be decided, while we savored our pasta and bread. Caught up the joy of quality mother-daughter time, I didn't hesitate to agree with my friend's suggestion for vegan donuts from SLO Do Co. for dessert. And about thirty minutes later, I was diving face-first into a cookies n' cream vegan donut - absolutely no second-thoughts, no regrets. Maybe I was just having a really good night, or maybe I was actually really craving and enjoying a donut, my first one in a long time. Whatever it was, I'm grateful it allowed me that magical moment with my first ever vegan donut :) 

Alright, and now we're here - August 2016. I'm SLO Do Co.'s newest employee and it is my favorite-est job ever. Ever. Because I know you're probably wondering: yes, I do have access to as many donuts, no cost included, as my heart desires while I'm working, as well as half-off when I'm not on the clock. Such a perk brings different reactions from different people who ask - some practically drool immediately, and some admit how "dangerous" that would be for them. For me, the former is more applicable, buuuuuut the latter has more significance. During one of my first few shifts (I work at night, usually, when those conquered by late-night munchies and innocent sweet-tooth cravings wander into the shop), I was taking my break, just scarfing down my salad, while simultaneously having a mini photoshoot with the special Georgia Peach vegan donut the baker had just set out earlier that day...

I've had enough treats today. I'm saving this for tomorrow. I shouldn't eat it right now, this late at night, after the two apple-pie croissants I ate earlier, I disciplined myself. 

Oh, and for additional context, this is all around the time I posted here about my lingering ED struggles. Keep that in mind... 

So, I'm eating my salad, taking pictures of this sweet, beautiful, tiny little donut, and before I knew it, I was staring at the last bite. How had I devoured this so quickly, seconds after I promised myself I'd save it? Guilt took over and, for a solid thirty minutes, it consumed my thoughts. It violently pushed out of my mind any potential enjoyment of this tiny little donut. After about six months free of such harsh self-criticism, I didn't know how to handle these thoughts. I felt tears forming behind my eyes, but I suppressed them as best I could, knowing I'd have to return from my break in a few minutes. What happened next, I can't explain, but this verse in Romans 8 can perfectly...

“And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for, but the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words.”

— Romans 8:26, NLT

The Holy Spirit took control, transforming my thoughts from destructive and discouraging to uplifting and confident - thoughts I could not have formed on my own, had the Holy Spirit not intervened and... saved me :) saved me again, oh-so-graciously. 

Donuts - treats that stirred up unbelievable fear and anxiety in me a year ago - are now something between a dessert and a snack. The sugary aroma of donuts in the fryer that once intimidated me now brings me such childlike excitement. That big pink box - the one I see students carrying around campus for their friends/classmates, or parents holding just above the reach of their eager children - of which I'd never dare to reach inside sat in my back seat, stocked full of SLO Do Co.'s finest creations, as I drove home yesterday. After dinner last night, you'd better believe I was the first to open that box, slice each donut into bite-size pieces for everyone to taste, and happily, fearlessly, confidently save the equivalent of, I don't know, probably 1-2 full donuts for no one but myself :) not a crumb left behind, and not a pinch of guilt in sight. 

A month ago, I was desperately searching for a job. Of course, SLO Do Co. was a top choice of mine, a job I'd dreamed of for months, but I had no idea that part of God's plan in placing me on staff here was intended to pull me further along in recovery. 

also, this is one of 4 donut-related articles of clothing I own. just sayin'.

Grateful. Grateful for everything encompassed in this story - everything from the vicious eating disorder to the scrumptious vegan donuts I've eaten more of in the past two weeks than I have in my entire life. And YES, God used donuts to help pull me from the darkened place that is an ED into the light of freedom, self-love, and the innocent, light-hearted deliciousness that is a donut :)

I Still Struggle

From about September 2012 until around, well, sometime during the spring months of this past year (2015) I wrestled with negative thoughts, lack of self-confidence, and distrust in the loving, promising hands of God. In other words, I had an eating disorder. Thankfully, He has saved me from it's dangerously tight grip and gracefully shown me what it's like to cuddle up in His soothing, healing arms. However, just because I've entered the Lord's home doesn't mean I don't still encounter the taunting temptations and the lingering symptoms of the Devil's work that consumed such a huge portion of my life. 

I.

Still. 

Struggle. 

“Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.”

— 2 Corinthians 12:9, NLT

I sometimes place superficial desires before precious time with the Lord. Why? Because: 

• I choose morning workouts over mornings in His word. But is a workout something that needs to happen everyday? Probably not.

• I crave the physical activity, the endorphins, the natural wake-up-call, the alone-time it provides for me. But do those things satisfy the way time with God does? Not one bit.

• I still struggle with wanting that perfect body type that I've drawn on a canvas in my own mind. But is that what your Creator has planned for you, the one He planned before you were even born? Only He knows. Only He loves me and has created me perfectly in His eyes, in His image.

“I will also bless the foreigners who commit themselves to the Lord, who serve him and love his name, who worship him and do not desecrate the Sabbath day of rest, and who hold fast to my covenant.”

— Isaiah 56:6, NLT

“So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.”

— Colossians 2:6-7, NLT

I sometimes speak harshly, disrespectfully to myself and to others. 

• I search for a place to which I can throw blame if something doesn't go the way I've planned, the way I've attempted to carry out through selfish control. But do I consider God's plans in these situations and the fact that they may be different from what I want in the moment? Not usually.

• I allow the blame a comfortable stay in my heart if I can't find for it another home. But how about reminding myself that, though I'm not perfect, I'm deeply loved by the One higher, greater, stronger, wiser than I? Good idea.

• I still struggle with self-love and selflessness. But do I remember the graceful, merciful Love that died on the cross to explain the real definition of the word to me? It is a perfect love, a flawlessly forever-valid definition.

“So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.”

— John 13:34-35, NLT

“Never! Can a mother forget her nursing child? Can she feel no love for the child she has borne? But even if that were possible, I would not forget you! See, I have written your name on the palms of my hands. Always in my mind is a picture of Jerusalem’s walls in ruins.”

— Isaiah 49:15-16, NLT

“You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh...”

— Galations 5:13, NLT

I sometimes fall into the enticing indulgence, the all-too-common belief in the satisfaction of something as temporary, as weak as food. 

• I turn to a sweet dessert when nights feel lonely and boring. But I am never alone. And Christ endured excruciating pain and suffering alone before dying a death no one else ever could for me... by Himself.

• I waste time and energy digging for confidence and affirmation from social media posts about certain brand-names. But have they offered me a promise as solid and as everlasting as the one He did? Do they tell me I'm perfect? No, they tell me the opposite.

• I still struggle with turning to the Lord in all situations - those encouraging and joyful, and those disappointing and heartbreaking. But God's word is always calling my name, always ready to remind me of His promise to love, nurture, provide for me.

“The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure.”

— 1 Corinthians 10:13, NLT

“See, God has come to save me. I will trust in him and not be afraid. The Lord God is my strength and my song; he has given me victory.”

— Isaiah 12:2, NLT

“My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever.”

— Psalm 73:26, NLT

I sometimes see other girls as competition in various areas - in my faith, in my relationship with the Lord, in my physical appearance, and more. 

• I compare myself to girls working out next to me in the gym, to girls across the classroom, even to girls I don't know in the slightest bit - the ones pasted on the cover of magazines. But is that how I should express my gratitude for the woman God has made me?

• I strive for the "perfect" body, not quite knowing who's definition I'm following. But God doesn't see my size, nor does he see any difference between mine and the girl's next to me. He has chosen each of us and holds for us both a special place in His heart.

• I still struggle with self-comparison. But the Lord has purposefully knit me together in my mother's womb (Ps. 139:13, NIV) - I have been graciously created by the most loving, beautiful, powerful hands.

“Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.”

— Romans 12:2, NLT

“So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and at the right time he will lift you up in honor. Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.”

— 1 Peter 5:6-7, NLT

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne.”

— Hebrews 12:1-2, NLT

By the grace of God, I no longer feel controlled by the overpowering desires characteristic of an eating disorder. However, I am human. I am, by no means, perfect in any way, so I do still battle these frustrating, tempting sins. I know that I am not alone because I have the Lord by my side, but I also know that I'm not the only one who continues to struggle. My encouragement to you if you are still suffering is to reach out - tell a family member, tell a friend, you can even tell me (confidential, of course). Confessing this doesn't mean you're still under the control of an eating disorder. It means the Holy Spirit is working to strengthen you! And that is reason to celebrate, am I right? 

I share these things - and believe me, doing so is not easy - because they are my weaknesses and I have seen how powerfully the Lord can work through these weaknesses if we allow Him to. This is me confessing, admitting, and opening up my broken heart to His healing hands in hopes that doing so will inspire other broken hearts to do the same, allowing Christ to bring healing to even more :)

“Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.”

— Isaiah 41:10, NLT

Faith: Isaiah 59 - Sin & Separation

I've been slowly reading through the book of Isaiah for the past two months and each chapter makes me want to write a whole blog post, buuuuut 66 blog posts? Maybe someday. For now, I want to focus on the chapter I dove into this morning - Isaiah 59, "Warning against Sin". 

Before I began this particular book, my discipleship leader introduced me to a Bible commentary app - "BLB" (it's the blue one in the app store & totally free, too) - and I've been using it to help analyze each chapter of Isaiah so far. It provides tons of answers to pretty much any question regarding the Bible (in every version) and other helpful tools I don't even know about yet, but I mainly use it for the in-depth commentary by other pastors on each verse. 

Anyway, I had barely finished the second verse of chapter 59 this morning when I just had to open up the app (click here), in search of some clarification. 

“Listen! The Lord’s arm is not too weak to save you, nor is His ear too deaf to hear you call. It’s your sins that have cut you off from God. Because of your sins, He has turned away and will not listen anymore.”

— Isaiah 59:1-2, NLT

Whoa... I thought, rather speechless. Oh, and this isn't the first time Isaiah has left me with nothing to say but "whoa", but I'm elaborating here because it's what I read this morning and answers a question I've always wrestled with in regards to God's role in our lives as Christians. 

Summarizing the verse in my head, I came up with this: Okay, so if God does not lose power or concern for us, despite our sins, then why do bad things happen? And if it's my sins that separate me from God, then where does that famous chunk in the book of Romans, assuring us that "nothing can ever separate us from God's love" (chapter 8, verses 31-39), come into play? This is where the BLB app had my back. I tapped any verse in Isaiah 59 and then "Commentaries", and chose David Guzik's study guide, The Reality Check. Let's get started, shall we? 

So, put yourself in the shoes of one of God's people in this verse. Better yet, just think back to a time when you've suffered, or seen/heard terrible news, or wondered where in the world God's hand is in this trial - that's where God's people are in this verse. Side note: isn't it cool that we can relate to people from this long ago? Blows my mind every time. Anyway, back on track. Isaiah the prophet assures the people that God has not lost any power or concern for them. Verse 2 explains that sin is the culprit, as it almost always is. Sin is what separates us from God. Now, don't let your mind wrestle too hard with this verse and the ones in Romans 8:31-39, yet, because I'll tie them all together for you. 

David Guzik organizes his explanation into 4 parts, which I'll re-explain in my own words. Sin separates me from God in terms of: 

1. My fellowship with Him - "fellowship" is another word for "companionship". It's basically a relationship. For example, (PS I've never cheated on anyone or had thoughts about another guy while in a relationship, but I feel this is a closely related example) if I have a boyfriend, but I see another guy who I maybe grow interested in, the attention I devote towards my boyfriend now flows over to this new guy. In other words, my fellowship with my boyfriend loses its richness because of my sinful desires. Guzik says, "...at the point of our sin, we no longer think alike with God." Does He divide His heart amongst His children? Somehow, He doesn't. The book of Isaiah boasts several verses that tell of God's love for each of His children, but this one stands out to me: "See, I have written your name on the palms of my hands..." (Isaiah 49:16). When I sin, I separate myself from Him because I allow desires of my own flesh to consume attention I could otherwise be devoting to the Lord.

2. Receiving His blessings - When I am distracted by other things - usually stress - I inhibit myself from seeing the blessings of God. Under stress, I instinctually turn inward for strength and place heavy pressure on myself to accomplish whatever it is that needs to be done, despite the fact that I may not be able to every single time. My mind is clouded and overwhelmed and forgets that it doesn't need to, and can't, figure things out on its own. Matthew 13:13 describes it perfectly: "...For they look, but they don't really see. They hear, but they don't really listen or understand." I know in my heart that I should and can totally depend on God, but I'm buried beneath stress (or sin or whatever it may be) and struggle to surface myself.

3. The benefits of His love - Don't get ahead of yourself and think that God ever stops loving you because that's just frighteningly false. Remember, Romans 8:31-39 promise that nothing is powerful enough to wedge between me/you and God. However, sin can still tease me with the alluring temptations of its own proposed benefits. For example, I've fallen into the trap social media sneakily sets up - I've searched for confidence and attention in likes, comments, and followers. I've chased after companies in hopes of partnerships and collaborations. Aside from social media, I've longed for relationships selfishly to feel more loved and beautiful. I've turned to food and exercise to shrink myself into the size society told me was "perfect". These desires told me they could satisfy my every need and answer all my questions, and I believed them, until one day I realized I'd been emptied more than ever before.

4. His protection - here's the big one. When God sees how misled I am, He does reach down to help lift me out of the state I'm in, but it's not always a smooth ride. God speaks to the stubborn Israelites in Isaiah 48 and says, "I have refined you, but not as silver is refined. Rather, I have refined you in the furnace of suffering." The furnace of suffering, huh? Ouch. I thought, when I read that verse. But the more I let it run through my mind, I couldn't deny it's truth and God's right in doing so. Guzik agrees in his commentary: "We should remember that we are not at the center of the universe, but God is. Everything He does and allows furthers His eternal purpose." The Lord allows trials to mold us into the individual He originally designed us to be and to serve for Him here on this earth, making those trials the prime opportunity for us to draw closer to Him, to understand Him more and more. Isaiah 49 says, "Sing for joy, O heavens! Rejoice, O earth! Burst into song, O mountains! For the Lord has comforted His people and will have compassion on them in their suffering."

My summer thus far has been all over the place - moving out, traveling to England, moving in (temporarily) and moving out again, moving in aaaagain and all the while searching for a job. After a few exhausting weeks of applying to everywhere and anywhere, I couldn't push out feelings of discouragement any longer. I stayed faithful that God would provide something somehow, but I wasn't rejoicing in the sole blessing of the Holy Spirit. Instead, point number three took over and I lost sight of how bountiful God's love is. Workouts, treats, nights out with friends, movies, and beach days are exciting and fun and definitely helpful in distracting me from the stress of having to "adult", but they never satisfy my heart's deepest need, the one for which only God's love has the fulfillment. 

If any of this seems heavy and unconvincing of God's love, verses 16-21 come to the rescue...

“He was amazed to see that no one intervened to help the oppressed. So He himself stepped in to save them with his strong arm... ‘The Redeemer will come to Jerusalem to buy back those in Israel who have turned from their sins... And this is my covenant with them... My spirit will not leave them, and neither will these words I have given you. They will be on your lips and on the lips of your children and your children’s children forever. I, the Lord, have spoken!’”

— Isaiah 59:16-21, NLT

I hope this has helped in some way - reading through Isaiah and elaborating on it like I have here has definitely provided explanation for me in terms of God's provision in my life. If you liked this post and were able to take something away from it, and maybe if you have suggestions for another post, leave a comment down below or send me an email. 

Thank you for reading, and my prayer is that God will continue to use me as a lamp, Him serving as the lightbulb, to help you :)

Faith: Biblical Womanhood {+ thoughts about "Girl Defined"}

About three weeks ago, I dove into the book Girl Defined by Kristen Clark and Bethany Baird. After reading (and l o v i n g) Idols of the Heart by Elyse Fitzpatrick, my hopes for similar spiritual realizations and impacts while reading this book were high, but not much of the material has "hit" me as hard as anything Fitzpatrick said did. That is, until I finished Chapter 6 - "Modern Chic, Meet Biblical Womanhood". Here, Clark and Baird present their interpretations (after much prayer, discussion, and studying) of God's intention in his design of the female:

1. Help

2. Produce Life

3. Nurture Relationships

As I flipped page after page of this chapter, I kept asking myself, How am I living out each of these aspects? If you haven't read the book, I recommend doing so, mainly for this chapter and the one following it. I just want to share my thoughts on Clark and Baird's "Three Pillars of Biblical Womanhood", ways I do apply them already and new ways I can begin to do so. My hope is that this will provide you, as a reader, some inspiration and motivation to a) invite God into your life, if you haven't done so already, and b) grow closer to Him by asking Him to show you ways in which you can apply these pillars to your own life. 

First, let me say "thank you" to these authors for sharing stories about their own lives throughout this book. You've both opened my eyes to different and new aspects of Christianity to which I hadn't given much thought before! I'm so grateful that God has blessed you with this passion to reach out to women like me (and maybe even some unlike me?) - I know I definitely need to hear much of what this book has to say :) 

1. HELP - After God created Adam, He decided that he shouldn't be alone, that he should have a companion ("a helper fit for him", as Genesis 2:18 writes). That's when Eve arrives at the scene, designed by God, complementary to Adam - "complementary" meaning that Eve would supply the needs and qualities Adam could not.
   
   How am I a "helper"? My first (almost instinctual) answer to this question was work. Though I don't have a job at this moment, I'm in the application process and will hopefully soon enter the actual hiring process after some interviews this week. Nonetheless, God designed us all, whether male or female, to work. I've questioned how qualified a job at, say, a pizza place is when it comes to satisfying that idea of work, but it all boils down to how I represent Christ in the workplace, in any place, for that matter. I can be a helper in this time of my life (single, without kids, still supported by my parents) by working. While earning money for that work is definitely one of my priorities, I pray that God will shift my focus from the paycheck to simply serving others and bringing about a positive light wherever I work.
   
   Proverbs 31:10-31 paints a picture of what God sees as a noble, working woman (it uses the word "wife", but can apply to single women, as well). Specifically, verses 13-24 speak clearly to what a hard working woman, desiring to help others looks like. Open up your bible or find the scripture here.
   
   How can I better help others? A paycheck is important to me because it will allow me to start to repay my parents for all their support - paying my rent, buying me a car, providing some spending money here and there, etc. However, I recognize that not all work I do needs to be or even should be motivated by money. For example, each week, I volunteer at the Downtown SLO Farmers' Market. Though a position with the SLO Downtown Association after college would be amazing, I volunteer because the night of The Market is my favorite night of the week - I can't contain my passion and excitement towards serving this community that welcomed me in two years ago, when I began college at Cal Poly. San Luis Obispo boasts several other opportunities to involve myself in this community, a few of which include serving food at the homeless shelter, participating in beach clean-up days, and helping maintain the church I attend every Sunday.

2. PRODUCE LIFE - Ahhhh this could be a tough one, considering I'm a) not dating anyone, b) not having sex before marriage even if I were to date, and c) still waiting for my body to reset my period to a hopefully regular, monthly schedule. In other words, I'm not in any position to even think about having kids right now. So how do I live out this aspect of Godly womanhood? Thankfully, Clark and Baird took into account girls in positions similar to mine by discussing how we can produce life in two ways - physically and spiritually. Physically? Obvious, but not in the cards at the moment. Spiritually? Sounds like a fit, but I had to research a little more in order to grasp it fully.
   
   How can I spiritually produce life? Well, if you don't know me very well, I have this thing called a "blog" and it's what you're reading right now. It's that URL you typed in order to end up here. I also have an Instagram account, and it's following has increased beyond what I ever imagined. At first, a large audience seemed attractive simply because I felt popular and skilled doing what I love, but praise the Lord that the Holy Spirit quickly changed my heart, showing me the amount of influence and space for God's glory this following allowed. Matthew 5 reminded me that I am a light for this world, for those around me, so I should be constantly making sure that my actions represent His love and glorify Him, not myself.
   
   Aside from my blog, speaking in more personal terms, I can spiritually produce life on a more local scale by connecting with both Christians and non-Christians. I can't be effective in sharing the Gospel if I stick close to only those who have already heard it's Good News. By spending quality time with, actually hanging out and getting to know, non-Christians (just like Jesus did in Matthew 9) I can ask God for courage, strength, and wisdom to share with others the abundance of His amazing, everlasting love.
   
   Singleness should not and will not prevent me from living out God's plan for my life right now or in the future. I don't know if I'll be able to have children in five or ten years, but I do know that opportunities to spiritually produce life are plentiful, especially in my current situation. Thank you, God, for that :)

3. NURTURE RELATIONSHIPS - Clark and Baird emphasize that God created Eve for Adam, making women "highly relational beings". We are meant for connection and relationship with others, and God wants us to ensure that each of our relationships points toward Him and glorifies Him.
   
   How can I nurture relationships? Well, like I said before, I can't nurture a romantic relationship if I don't have one, but thankfully, God has blessed me with plenty of friendships (friends who know and love Him and others who don't), opportunities to put this pillar into practice.
   
   I'm currently jobless, and have spent the past few days (aside from my time spent desperately job-hunting) just relaxing at home, at the beach, etc. Don't get me wrong - I've loved almost every minute of it. But I use the word "almost" specifically because I do get lonely and I do, at times, feel kind of like a big, bored lump on the couch. Last night, that feeling overwhelmed me as I tried to comfort myself in reading my bible and rereading a chapter of Idols of the Heart. At the same time, I was trying to make sure I had plans for today (the 4th of July) so I didn't end up like I was feeling then. My friend invited me on a morning-hike with her, but it conflicted with the plans I made (with myself...) to workout. I figured my choices were: a) skip the workout and just hike, b) skip the hike and try to make other plans with her later on in the day, or c) wake up early, workout, then go on the hike. Feeling ambitious, I went with Plan C. Yes - I'm exhausted and my knees hurt a little bit, but I could not be more thankful I did both. Working out in the morning is one of my favorite ways to start the day, I don't know why, but it just is and I struggle to give that up. Maybe I don't even need to give it up, but that's another discussion for another time. Anyway, I ended up finishing my workout before I thought I would and used my extra ten minutes to read a chapter from Isaiah - chapter 43, which tells of God's graciousness in saving Israel and promising to provide forgiveness and prosperity to those who believe in, follow, and love Him wholeheartedly. In other words, it was e x a c t l y what I needed to hear (or read, I guess).
   
   While my friend and I were hiking, I found myself constantly out of breath - yes, I was tired from my early-morning workout, but I also realized how much I couldn't shut myself up. I haven't talked this much or with such spunk and excitement in a long time, and I think it's because I've felt lonely lately and have craved nothing more than just pure, genuine interaction. I'm an introvert - I re-energize in my alone-time - but I know now how important in my life relationships are, and I know that God is preparing me in this moment, if it's in His will, for a romantic relationship that is centered around Him.
   
   To better nurture current and future relationships in my life, I'm praying for courage to bring God into conversations. I'm praying for maturity to represent Godliness in the previous two ways. I'm praying for strength to resist giving into gossip and other temptations. I'm praying for wisdom to always use the right words. I'm praying for humility to let God shine His light, instead of me striving to glorify anything of myself.

If you've gotten this far (please tell me you have actually read and not just skimmed), thank you for reading! Seriously, your presence and dedication do mean a lot to me, so I appreciate that :) I also want to encourage you to research both of the books I mentioned - Girl Defined by Kristen Clark and Bethany Baird and Idols of the Heart by Elyse Fitzpatrick. God has used these authors and their words to teach me so much about Himself and pull me in close to Him, especially during times when I've needed it more than I even knew. 

I hope that I've provided something useful here and that you'll pray with me that God continues to use me and this blog for His glory, not my own. Please please please don't hesitate to ask any questions - leave them below or send me an email. I love hearing from you and would love even more to offer help or advice or just a presence in any way possible. 

Again, thank you for reading :) 

Faith: Over and Over, Overwhelmed

“Peter replied, ‘Each of you must repent of your sins and turn to God, and be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. Then you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.’”

— Acts 2:38

I am redeemed. I am made new. I am born again. I am perfect in His eyes, though I am so broken in this world. I am in need, and I am provided for. I am no longer consumed by the sin that I may still commit. 

I have been saved, set free, and I continue to be molded and shaped and sharpened by the hands of Christ living in my fragile heart. 

Those truths bring tears to my eyes even years after I gave my life to Christ for the first time. I was in fifth grade and didn’t understand much of what a life following my Savior looked like, but I gave Him my life because the words my church leaders used to describe that life sounded pretty darn sweet. Despite my incomplete understanding, I still pursued Christ. 

In tenth grade, my church held a baptism ceremony and the time felt right for me to participate, as my way of demonstrating a slightly more complete understanding of Christ's sacrifice for me and my desire for His presence throughout other areas of my life. My best friend at the time and I were dunked together and it was an awesome experience, but looking back, I realize my confidence and happiness stemmed, in part, out of affirmation from my family, church leaders, and peers. 

Not many people know that, so I've been asked why, as a now devout Christian, I'm getting re-baptized. Answering that question is easy when I'm answering to Christ because I know that he sees my heart and its flaws and its sparkles and its desires and its overwhelmed slur of gratitude, but no one else has eyes for that. So, to answer that question for you, I'm getting re-baptized because I've taken a million of my own steps this way and that way and everywhere else in between since tenth grade. I've lead myself to the peaks of superficially, instantly satisfying "high's" and I've tumbled down to empty, lonely, dangerously terrifying "low's". I've damaged my body, and I've failed to show it the precious love Christ has shown me. 

As I stood in front of the supportive crowd of family and friends today, I thought about my walk with Christ and tried my best to squeeze everything into two or three sentences. Though I didn't actually share (the crowd swelled as each minute passed and my nerves went along with it) with everyone, here's something along the lines of what I would've said, had the fear of public speaking not overwhelmed me and the tears of joy not choked me: 

"Hi, I'm Haley! I'm just so excited to be here today. To make a long story short - umm, I've wrestled with an eating disorder for the past three years, and for anyone who has themselves or knows someone else who has, you can understand me when I say I was searching for something that I still can't pin down. The tinier the size I shrunk into, the heavier the weight crushing me felt, the more intense the pressure became to find whatever it was I'd been searching for. I exhausted myself and couldn't run away from God and towards this selfish desire for something unidentifiable any longer. So, here I am. I'm saying YES to God and promising to never jump out of His arms - the arms that lifted the burdensome weight from my shoulders and cradled me, comforted me, and assured me that I'm the most beautiful version of the woman He'd drawn of me long before my parents ever conceived me. Here I am, promising Christ my whole heart for my whole life. I've learned not to trust myself, so I'm placing my life into His mighty hands and embracing the tears and rapid-beating heart as I watch them gently, safely close together." 

“Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to His cross and crucified them there. Since we are living by the Spirit, let us follow the Spirit’s leading in every part of our lives.”

— Galations 5:24-25

But, like I said, the crowd was overwhelming and this baptism isn't about my sharing my story with them. It's about me admitting my weaknesses to Christ, letting Him wash me clean of my sins, and saying "I do" to His invitation to eternally hold His mighty hands. 

I walked towards the water, squeezing the arm of one of my best friends who decided at the last minute to be re-baptized, too. We braced ourselves for the cold water, but my heart beat and palms sweat and throat swelled for another reason. These butterflies were butterflies on steroids - the kind I imagine to invade my stomach on my wedding day. I use that analogy lightly, though, because I hope that nothing ever feels this good. I spotted a pair of men with open arms, ready to dunk someone, so I treaded through the freezing cold water towards them. I think they asked my name and introduced themselves, but it's all a blur now. They grabbed my hands and placed one of theirs on each of my shoulders, giving me some directions and praying over me. A few sobs made themselves heard and pulled the corners of my lips into a smile as I sent whispers of grateful excitement up to God. One of the men contribute the last words I can remember hearing before I plugged my nose and felt the piercing shock of the cold water, full of the Holy Spirit's unmistakable presence, "... in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit!" 

I came up, caught my breath and ran to one of my best friends, who embraced me in her arms with a warm towel. She didn't let me go as she told me how proud she was, and I let out a few more tears and "thank you's", unable to really form any complete sentences. 

That was the best moment of my entire life. 

I saw a few hundred people today, some familiar faces and some I couldn't recognize, yet I felt no presence stronger than God's. I submerged myself in who-knows-how-cold-water, yet I'd cleanse myself like that for Christ a million and one more times. 

“You will show me the way of life, granting you the joy of your presence and the pleasures of living with you forever.”

— Psalms 16:11

My prayer now is that Christ will work in the hearts of those maybe considering baptism or re-baptism, that maybe He'll use some of these words in some way, shape, or form. If you're considering baptism, I'm praying for you and the Holy Spirit is, too. For some, it's a leap of faith, trusting God's will. For others, it's an act of repentance, saying "no" to himself and "yes" to God. For others still, it's both A and B. It's all of the above. 

It's breath-taking and heart-pounding. It's too good for words, so seek the experience for yourself :) 

“I am overwhelmed with joy in the Lord my God!
For he has dressed me with the clothing of salvation
and draped me in a robe of righteousness.
I am like a bridegroom dressed for his wedding
or a bride with her jewels.”

— Isaiah 61:10

Thoughts: My Recovery (NED Awareness Week)

You may have already heard, or maybe you just read the title of this post - it's National Eating Disorder Awareness Week. This year is my first time really recognizing its significance, especially in my life, because last year at this time I hadn't come to terms with a) accepting my ED story and b) understanding that (at the time) I wasn't fully recovered. Last summer, I opened up here about my entire story, which you can read here, but I didn't spend much time talking about how I recovered and the effect that left me with. So, let's unwrap that package a little bit more. 

I'll pick up in the middle of my story - just after the doctor diagnosed me. She referred me to a therapist and my mom and I drove to one or two sessions a week for about two weeks. I'd sit like someone stuck a fiery stick up my butt (sorry if that's TMI, but it basically means angry and uncomfortable) and answer each question quickly, without giving much thought to admitting that I really wasn't happy with my body, or the possibility that maybe I was craving a sense of control, power, and outward appearance. My number one goal at these sessions was to prove to the therapist and my mom, as quickly as possible, that I did not have a disorder. Pride wanted to make sure that everyone knew that I had it all together, that I had... control. 

Soon enough, we stopped attending the therapy sessions and instead turned to a nutritionist who designed a meal plan for me. Up the calories, increase the variety, and just keep eating - that was our goal. This definitely pushed me towards steps in the right direction, but I still hadn't confronted the underlying cause of my ED, probably because I wasn't sure exactly what that was. Without her meal plan, I'm sure recovery would have taken even longer, but I've been thinking lately about how my recovery was affected by going about it without therapy. 

To say that I was forced to conquer this battle alone would be a lie - God blessed me with His presence and the support of family and friends from the very beginning. In a way, however, I chose to try to handle much of it on my own, just because I'm stubborn, sometimes prideful and too confident, and as much as I wanted to win this mental/emotional/spiritual battle of an ED, I wanted my prize to magically allow me to stay the same weight and jean size, with the same amount of muscle tone, etc. but without negatively affecting my health like it already was. I didn't want my friends and family to worry anymore, but I didn't want to change or compromise the looks that had me bursting with confidence for the first time in years. 

In other words, I went from anorexia to orthorexia. Constant calorie tracking determined what and how much I ate. Sure, I ate more than I did before, but at this point, it felt worse because I thought each meal - each bite - had to fit within a certain calorie/fat/protein/etc. range. 

Each day and its activities centered around what I would eat. I try not to say that I have regrets or that I wish something hadn't happened, but as I look back on that period of... wow... more than one year of my life, I wish I had opened my eyes to see beyond what was on my plate. To enjoy the richness of relationships, the lusciousness of laughter, the silliness of spontaneity. 

Freedom. More specifically, freedom of surrender. I've called myself a Christian for ten years, but only recently have I begun to fill those shoes and pursue a relationship with God. Communicating with Him, listening to Him, and expressing my gratitude for this simple life have become my daily goals. As I've lifted those to the top of my priorities, I've dropped food (and calories and fat and weight and all that jazz) to a far lower level, even as I transitioned into a vegan lifestyle. I've loosened, if not completely let go of, my grip on food as my source for security, confidence, and happiness. Releasing that grip was terrifying and unknown, but God grabbed me with both of His hands the minute I recognized that they were there. 

“In my desperation I prayed, and the Lord listened; He saved me from all my troubles.”

— Psalm 34:6

To be completely honest, that was about two months ago. I'm a little shocked that I've just realized this, but that means that my eating disorder (anorexia, orthorexia, and all) lasted for almost three years, when I thought I'd recovered two years ago. I held my body back from its full potential for so long, trying condition it to want only x amount of calories, to power through exhausting workouts almost everyday, to squeeze it and mold it into a shape God made for someone else. Just like I've developed my relationship with God, I've opened up a rarely-before-used line of communication with my body. Everything from colds and coughs, to muscle aches and joint pains, to stress and body-shaming thoughts are my body's way of getting my attention, and I'm finally listening.

“Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.”

— Romans 12:2

A couple weeks ago, God put it on my heart to write a love letter to my body, and in it, I apologized for this mistreatment, thanked it for its endurance, and reflected on its achievements, despite the challenges I set before it. That letter was, by far, one of the most significant steps I've taken in recovery. 

I just wanted to share with you guys a bit more of my story, because I know that all of ours are unique and if this helps even one person, then that's enough. If you or anyone you know is going through an eating disorder, don't go it alone. No one has to and no one should. By letting down my guard to allow the people God placed in my life to help and to allow Him to fill the holes in my spirit, I was finally able to fully recover. I surrendered, and I found freedom. I found deeper love for myself and for God than I could have ever imagined possible. 

And as for the rest of this post, I want to let God speak. Rid your surroundings of as many distractions as possible right now and allow God's words to speak as loudly as possible. 

“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ says the Lord. ‘They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.’”

— Jeremiah 29:11

“And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow - not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below - indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

— Romans 8:38-39

“She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.”

— Psalm 31:25

These are some of the verses I've found most comforting and encouraging throughout the past three years, and I couldn't think of a better way to close off this post than by allowing God to take over, as that's what I've done in kissing my ED goodbye :) 

Please know that you're not alone in your struggle, and there are resources available for you to find help. Turn to family and friends, to teachers and coaches, or click here. God loves you too much to place you here on this earth alone. 

Thoughts: A Love Letter to My Body

Why am I writing a letter to my body? Because I've finally been learning what it really means to listen to my body, and in the spirit of Valentine's Day, I figured what better time to really appreciate the home God has built for me. So, here it goes... 

Body, 

Hi. I don't really know where to begin - with the apologies, with the thanks, with appreciation for our memories together - because we've been doing life together for over nineteen years. Well, I guess it's more correct to attribute life to YOU because how else would I have done anything? So, yeah, I'll begin with the memories :) 

Remember when I was about seven years old and we finally synchronized enough so that I could stay balanced on my bike for more than three seconds? We had just gotten home from the grocery store with Mom and Ben and I jumped on my bike (to avoid unloading groceries) to give it one last try after weeks of frustration, and before I knew it, Ben was calling out, "Mom! Mom! Haley's riding and staying up!!!" Thanks for sparking one of my first moments of real accomplishment. 

Remember when I had to keep pulling teeth out for a few years? Ugh, that sucked. I'm sorry for that pain. And for the dentist appointments.. 

Remember when I discovered how much you love to dance? Even though we weren't amazingly flexible or strong or slim as the other girls, I could feel the passion you poured out through me each time a song came on. 

Remember the first time we actually went for a run? Dad was with us and we went for a three-miler around our neighborhood and through the park before dinner. You loved it, and I became addicted, too. And I think this brings me to the apologies...

I'm sorry for stuffing you with preservative-filled, greasy, synthetic "foods" like buffalo chicken wings, fatty ice cream, sugary candy bars, and, perhaps worst of all, all of those processed meats and cheeses that sent my tastebuds to heaven when I was younger. I have no idea how I ignored your rejections of those foods, and I'm so sorry for forcing you to attempt to digest those and use them for the energy I expected from you. 

I'm sorry for all the late-nights and early-mornings, and for the sickness that followed. We were both obviously tired, but I prioritized the demands of my social life or my grades over your need for rest and nutrition. 

I'm sorry for the sore, achey muscles, for not stretching after workouts, for the shin splints, for the pulled muscles. I was taking care of you by exercising, but forgetting a critical piece of the picture.

I'm sorry for allowing the magazines and websites and pictures of other girls to influence my opinion of your beauty. I'm sorry for thinking that they were perfect, and that you were anything less. I'm sorry for pressuring you to drastically change the way God shaped you so that I felt beautiful through the eyes of others.

Most of all, I'm so deeply sorry for putting you through hell and back for three years - for starving you, for exhausting you, for ignoring you, day in and day out. I'm sorry that I threatened your health and your longevity because I wanted you to fit into a certain jean size. I'm sorry that my pride got in the way of restoring my mind more quickly so that I could treat you the way you deserved to be treated. I'm sorry that I dictated what you needed and didn't need, like I knew all the answers to my health problems. I'm sorry that I pushed your limits so hard for so long. 

And I'll begin the "thank-you's" with this - thank you for forgiving me. Thank you for enduring, for withstanding. Thank you for not breaking down, but also thank you for speaking up loud enough to grab my attention before it was too late. 

Thank you for loving me and taking care of me when those were the last items on my To-Do List. 

Thank you for running all those miles, for dancing your a** off to all those songs, for sitting still when I needed you to, and for telling me to sit still when you needed that from me. Thank you for humbly, kindly making your desires and cravings and basic needs clear to me. Thank you for belly-rumbling laughter - that's probably one of my favorite of your talents :) 

Thank you for being here still. Thank you for walking, running, dancing, biking, swimming, weight-lifting, hiking, laughing (and the list goes on) our way through 19+ years of life. You're one of the biggest blessings God placed in my life, and I'm speechless as to where I'd be without you. I'm speechless in awe of your talents, determination, humility, and strength. 

Oh, and I LOVE YOU! I promise to love you even more than I ever have. Let's keep doing life together, what do you say? :) 

With love, 
Hungry Haley, your best friend

Thoughts: My New Year's Resolutions

I'll begin this with the annual phrase "Wow - I can't believe this year is already over! It went by so fast", because I really do believe it. 2015 encompassed everything from challenging classes, discovering bible studies and best friends, failing a midterm or two, working at my first "real" job, cutting out meat from my diet, finishing my first year of college, igniting friendships I missed out on from high school, enjoying a relaxing summer at home, starting my second year of college, becoming fully vegan, pulling myself closer to God, changing my major, uncovering truths about my eating disorder that I thought no longer existed, and boat loads of crying, laughing, praying, running, hiking, smiling, thanking, and thinking.

A flood of thoughts and emotions have taken over my mind lately, and I know that that's God's way of speaking something of rich importance to me. Instead of going for a run this morning, I convinced myself to just slow down and walk. I plugged in my headphones to only kind of/sort of listened to a few TED talks, meaning I couldn't seem to quiet my thoughts enough to actually absorb what the speakers were saying. Eventually, I unplugged, surrendering to my racing, roaring mind. Battling back and forth between what I am doing, what I feel I should be doing, what I want, what I'm afraid of, and humbling myself to listen to voices inside that I thought had come and gone already. Because I can't really think of another way to effectively express these thoughts, I've organized them into resolutions - New Year's Resolutions. 

These represent my goals for 2016 - goals that will not remain goals, but rather become parts of me, like a team of body parts I can't live without. 

• Relaxing - I'm one who considers exercise her cup of coffee in the morning. Without it, the rest of my day is slow-moving and not as productive as the days that begin even as simple as a 15-minute HIIT workout. I considered that habitual kick-starter a routine I could and should continue for as long as I can, but I realize now that my body has been crying out for relaxation so much so that it's now exhaustedly, humbly sending quiet reminders via sore muscles, baggy eyes, inability to focus, and an irregular menstrual cycle that it's just tired. This realization was not easy to come to and I've battled accepting its urgency for too long. I've feared excess weight gain, unproductive days, and a loss of familiar sensibility, sanity, and stress-release on which I've relied for years. During my trip to Idaho, I set aside time to intentionally workout only once during a 7-day period of time. The other days brought physical activity through skiing, hiking, and simply walking, and surprisingly, I found myself happiest, most productive yet stress-free on those days rather than the ones that start with a 30-minute, muscle-straining, intense workout. I haven't wanted to admit this, even to myself, because exercise has been a seemingly crucial part of my life for, well, forever. But the more I let this realization take its time making marks in my mind, the more I understood the difference in importance between a worldly desire and passion for heart-pumping movement and a vital need for rest and restoration. The past few years have been like a series of nonstop marathons on strenuous downhill and exhausting uphill terrains - beginning with a highly-restrictive ED and transforming to a less-extreme version of orthorexia. I haven't given my body the opportunity to take a much-needed period of healing from the unintentional damage I caused and recovery from the two-year-long marathon I forced it to endure.

  • So I'm kicking off 2016 with the goal of regularly relaxing and resting to restore my health - to regain a regular period, to healthfully move my body, and to de-stress in a restorative, mind-clarifying way. I can't imagine continuing to rely solely on frequent stressful (and potentially harmful) physical activity to de-stress. I'm actually laughing as I type that... silly me. Anyway, that brings me to my next resolution!

• Developing a hand-in-hand, constant relationship with God - I want to depend on God completely. I trust Him, I know that He has a beautiful plan for my life, and I communicate with Him daily, but I want more. I want immeasurable depth, unending conversation, and heart-changing faith in His power in my life. I will make GOD my refuge and source of stress-relief, not exercise, cooking, friends/boyfriends, etc. Wh wouldn't I? More importantly, why haven't I already? In a way, I have - I devote time for communication with Him daily. But at the same time, I ask myself why I feel the need to devote time when I could simply begin my day with it, like a cup of coffee for an instant perky mood, a bowl of sweet nice cream for sweet-tooth-satisfaction, and store it in the front of my mind for all-day fuel.

  • I will still make time to remove myself from distractions and chores each day to listen to and talk to God, but I won't allow for guilt if I for some reason don't read my Jesus Calling devotional sometimes. What's most important is the pure communication, not the reading or the writing.

• Holistcally loving myself - I've been finding myself thankful for my body's abilities lately, and while that is a good thing to be thankful for, I realize that I've ignored the complementary side of that - the need to nurture my body and cater to its needs, to recognize and care for its inabilities. Admitting to any sort of inability has always been a challenge for me, but I'm reminding myself what it means to love someone. I've been in love before and I remember acknowledging both the sparkles and the blemishes, but seeing them both as beautiful parts that make up that person. I couldn't imagine him any different. As I point those feelings toward myself, they illuminate both my abilities and my inabilities as a way to emphasize each one's constant need for love. I'm relaxing and depending on God because I hear my body's and mind's call for those things.

  • I know that before I can love another person, I need to fully love myself. For too long I've disregarded some of my body's communication signals. To me, that translates as ignoring my significant other's needs in a relationship. How could that healthfully encourage our relationship?

  • By loving myself, I am also honoring and expressing gratitude for the woman God is shaping me into.

Alright, this was a lot of serious writing, and a lot about myself, which becomes exhausting and awkward after hours and hours of doing it haha so that's all I have to say for now! If you're making your own resolutions (which I definitely encourage) share them with me :) tag me on instagram, email me if you have any questions, or comment below. I appreciate your time reading this and your support more than you know. To my family, THANK YOU for everything you teach me everyday, for encouraging me, for showing so much and support for this blog. You guys all rock! 

Happiest of Happy New Years to you! :) 

Ants in My Pants (just read it, I promise it's good)

You may have seen my post a few days ago about me starting to read The China Study, and if you didn’t see it, well, I’m reading The China Study.

I’ve only gotten through the first two chapters, and already feel overwhelmed with all the wrong and lies and disease hidden within our food system. Maybe overwhelmed is the wrong word to use, because it might carry with it a sense of exhaustion, confusion, and lack of motivation or understanding on my part with regard to what needs to be done in order to change this devastating system in our culture.

Speaking of culture, I was recently asked what my biggest fear is. Last night, actually, my bible study leader brought up biggest fears during our study. It took me approximately two or three seconds to mentally sort through everything I’m scared of - death, spiders, disease, darkness, sin, a world without God, and so on - and find the most pressing one: fear of succumbing to culture.

And as I mentally watched little scenarios entailed within that fear, I was overcome with the comfort and understanding that God is bigger than our culture, and He has saved me. So, do I really have anything to fear? No. I guess I don’t.

However, just because I’m blessed with that safety and comfort does not eradicate the wrong and lies and disease living in our world, especially in our food system. I’ve been spending my free time – a.k.a my time on the bus, walking to class, or running around in the morning gathering everything I need for the day – listening to free eLectures on Dr. John McDougall’s website. So far, I’ve finished this one, about low-carb vs. high-carb diets, and this one, about how eating meat is a choice, not an instinct or necessity. I’m currently making my way through this one, about how unbelievably unsustainable animal agriculture is.

As I dive deeper and deeper into this topic, God’s calling for me to spread this urgent message – the power of a plant-based diet – and His message – who He is, who His son is, and His raging love for us – feels more like a passionate fire under my butt to take action than a gentle invitation to come along on the journey. This is something I NEED to do. I NEED to go. There are countries that are suffering in two of the worst ways: 1) they have never even heard of God because they haven’t been reached, and 2) they are extremely malnourished because of the detrimental effects of our greedy food choices. Emphasis on choices.

While this may seem urgently demanding and serious and scary, I’ve found it one of the most powerfully uniting realizations thus far in my life. Think about it – I know that God is calling me, but I don’t yet know where I’ll go, or when I’ll go, or how I’ll get there. Do you know? How about my bible study leader? No, and no. God knows, which is all the more reason to grab a hold of His hands even tighter and trust Him completely with where I am now and where I’ll be in six months, five years, fifteen years, and so on.

I. Cannot. Wait. I cannot sit still anymore and say that I “stand” for ethical treatment of all animals, respect and care for the entire planet, and healthier eating habits for all countries, races, classes, ages, beliefs, whatever, to reverse deadly diseases. I cannot handle the heartache and guilt that take over when I’m reminded of the numbers of unreached, unsaved lives in other countries as I lie warm and comfortable in my bed (probably listening to a podcast about said topic, reading about said topic, or writing about food, because that’s the usual).

I was going to apologize for this, I don’t know, rant, I guess, but I can’t quite bring myself to do so. God’s calling for each and every person deserves to be shared. If only for the purpose of getting it off my chest, then so be it, but I pray that this will bring at least one person to come to know, or maybe just spark a little curiosity in, who this God, this Creator, this mighty controller and tender, loving Father is.

While I wish I could drop what I’m doing and jump on a plane right now to get started, I’ve shaken myself out of the desire to escape and into the drive and determination to absorb as much knowledge and experience from my current surroundings. My brother reminded yesterday that I’m here, at Cal Poly (sitting in a surprisingly comfortable but horribly patterned chair, actually) in San Luis Obispo, for a specific reason. I can get rid of the “ants in my pants” because he reminded me that I have purpose here, too. In other words, I need to further my education and get a degree. This is my starting point, and maybe it’s my launch-pad, too.

From here, I reach out as far as I can – to my friends, my family, my community, my co-workers, and my favorite and least favorite strangers (not totally sure who those are yet, actually) – to accomplish as much as I can with all that God has empowered me.

Pray with me that God continues to work not only in my life, but in the lives of others, as well. May those with the same passion keep their fire burning, may those who do not understand be taught, and may those who are unreached be embraced.

Let's be excited! And hungry. We should always be hungry :) 

Random picture of baked potatoes + hummus, steamed spinach + nutritional yeast, and my thought-sorter-outer.

Faith: Happiness - where is it?

You know those picture captions that read, "ASFDKDHFHASDIFSDFHBVIRTYSNCSFNEIRUGH...." or something like that? Very few things in this world make me feel that way: 1) food - I don't know what kind specifically, but I know that I'll marry the man who can consistently put that food on the table and 2) God. The second one is by far the most important, so clearly there is no specific order to that short list. 

Anyway, "ASFDKDHFHASDIFSDFHBVIRTYSNCSFNEIRUGH...." is the only word (or is it words?) I've been able to conjure up this week. All of my life's favorite distractions and their mothers and grandmothers have been doing their annoying job for the past week or two - I haven't been wholly, genuinely focused on the Lord and I credit that to school, homework, work, and finding pleasure, security, confidence, etc. in my circumstances and blessings. While the happiness that blooms from realizing how blessed I am is totally acceptable and worthy of praise, it's not the happiness I should find my peace in. 

That happiness comes from someONE, not someTHING(S), and that lesson has been a recurring theme in my walk with God lately. 

My bible study leader is a spectacular human and photocopied chapter 5 of Idols of the Heart for us to study this week. As the three of us dove in on Monday morning - listening to the sound of pouring rain, might I add - I felt the Holy Spirit sort through the files in my brain and pull out the least important, most worldly thoughts and distractions so that I could wholly focus on what was in our study for the day. Thank you, Holy Spirit. How'd you know I needed that cleaned out? 

Just four short paragraphs in and I was already pulling out my highlighter and basically taking note of everything. The first sentence that really caught my eye read, "They understood that ultimate joy was to be found only in obeying the living God," which was referring to this excerpt from Daniel...

“O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to give you an answer concerning this matter. If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the furnace of blazing fire; and He will deliver us out of your hand, O King. But even if He does not, let it be known to you, O King, that we are not going to serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up.”

— Daniel 3:16-18

To me, that spoke about unwavering trust in God's plan and whole-hearted joy in the fact that He is, well, He is God. 

A paragraph or two later, it brought up David's words, "Because your loving kindness is better than my life, my lips will praise you" (Psalm 63:3). I was taken aback when the book asked me, "Is God's steadfast love and mercy really sweeter to me than life?" Stunned at my inability to immediately, without a doubt confirm that, yes it is sweeter than life, I couldn't do anything else besides just highlight the question. 

“Nothing is better than knowing God. There is no pleasure greater than worshipping Him. Nothing is sweeter than His love. My happiness is found in Him alone.”

— Saint Augustine

AAAHHHHHHHHHH come on, Haley. Those were my thoughts, as I recalled my most common reasons for giving thanks: this life, my family, my friends, my community, CRU, my job and internship, and the list goes on, but so many things on that list begin with "my". Why isn't the FIRST thing on that list just God in and of Himself? Not the fact that He sent His son for me, or because He has blessed me with such an abundant surrounding of Christ-followers, but because He loves me and is, well, He is Him. Yes, there is joy in loving family and friends, in the opportunity  to work and earn money, and in San Luis Obispo and all of its beauty, but the heartiest, juiciest, most sustainable source of everlasting joy is found in one person and one person only. 

And that joy blooms and multiplies and flourishes in fulfilling God's will for our individual lives. A few paragraphs later, I had to pull out my highlighter again as I read and re-read and re-read this excerpt from the book, "Delighting to do God's will means turning from the deception that joy lies outside obedient fellowship with Him. We need to consistently disbelieve the imaginations that appear sweeter than God's lovingkindness."

Yes. Perfect. 10/10, beautifully phrased. But that's like knowing you have fresh, organic broccoli and tomatoes and carrots and brown rice that require just a little bit of cooking, while staring at a batch of double-chocolate chip cookies, or pumpkin pie, or a gigantic, homemade muffin (my ultimate weakness). The former are nutritious and wholesome and full of life and rewarding, while the latter are sugary and delicious and tempting and... temporarily satisfying. T e m p o r a r i l y. S a t i s f y i n g.

This morning, I opened my bible to Psalms 29...

“Honor the Lord, you heavenly beings; honor the Lord for His glory and strength. Honor the Lord for the glory of His name. Worship the Lord in the splendor of His holiness.”

— Psalm 29:1-2

Worship God because He is God, above all. Not because He gave me family and friends and Cal Poly and work and money and food, but whole-heartedly, because HE IS GOD. 

And suddenly, loneliness and desire for a boyfriend, worry and the need to schedule the upcoming week, fear and the stress of getting the right classes and graduating on time and finding a job and finding "the one" and building a family and blah blah blah, all of that just dissolves. I feel like I've rooted myself deep in God's soil, and I'll go deeper and deeper so that nothing and no one can pull me out. 

And THAT is where joy lies :) 

Faith: Living Near to God

Father, just pull me in close to You. Wrap me up in Your arms and don't ever let me squeeze my way out. My deepest desire, underneath the the most worldly ones that cloud my mind everyday, is to feel Your presence as if it were my backpack, or my shirt, or my earrings. I want nothing to stand between You and me. 

This weekend, Cru hosted its annual Fall Retreat. I could go on and on, writing pages about the friendships I developed, the new faces I met, the beautiful beach-side weather, and how I found vegan options everywhere we went, but I can do that anytime. What's most important here is the paragraph in Italics above - that was my prayer before and during Fall Retreat, but it's transformed since then.

The theme of this weekend was road-tripping with the Lord. One question the speaker repeatedly asked was, "Who do you follow?" with an emphasis on who and not what. At first, I thought, I follow Jesus, duh, but as I stepped back from my ego I realized that sometimes I don't. Sometimes, I follow my parents' suggestions, or a vegan-vlogger on Instagram, or my best friends when I don't know what to do or when I can't hear God's answer to my prayers. "Trace the master," the speaker said, as I sunk into my realization. When I was a kid and didn't know how to color, I traced the outline of another picture. Do I trace God's word and His teachings when I feel lost? Does my life paint a picture of my faith in my Father who saved me? 

When I couldn't bring myself to answer these questions, I prayed those words above, begging God to pull me in and strap me in tight. In Exodus 33:14, the Lord tells Moses that He is with him everywhere. 

“The Lord replied, ‘I will personally go with you, Moses, and I will give you rest - everything will be fine for you.’”

— Exodus 33:14, NLT

The Lord is always with me. The Lord is always with me. The Lord is always with me. Then why do I not feel Him go through those dry spells when I can't feel God there with me? God showed me His answer to that by directing me to Philippians 4:8-9...

“And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your eyes on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you have learned and received from me - everything you heard form me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.”

— Philippians 4:8-9

...and I was like, "Ohhhhhh, gotcha." I hadn't been tracing God. I'd been tracing my parents, my favorite bloggers/vloggers, my best friends (no matter how in love with God they may be), and myself. I know that there is no right or wrong way to pray, but I think God was waiting for me to realize that I am the one who needs to draw closer to Him, not Him to me. When I gave my life to Christ, God pulled me in, but as distractions and "to-do's" come about, I let them squeeze in between that heavenly embrace. 

God never disappears completely. He never takes the exit ramp when road-tripping with me. The only time I can't see Him is when I forget to use my windshield wipers to de-fog - when my mind is juggling school, midterms, work, friendships, family, boys, myself, and blah blah blah. While those are all important to a certain extent, by giving them too much attention I inflate my ego, fog my windshield, and involuntarily release myself a little more from that heavenly embrace. 

I want to be aware of my surroundings - my family, best friends, favorite bloggers, schoolwork, etc. - but my deepest desire is to be so intertwined/absorbed/wrapped up in God's presence that my surroundings remain surroundings rather than examples/tracers/too-powerful-distractions. My goal is for my life to paint a picture of God's beautiful love, grace, and mercy. It doesn't have to be pretty, because that might signify too much focus on the opinion of my surroundings. 

I'm not a perfect artist - in fact, I'm not even really an artist according to the world's definition. I am a student holding a pencil, tracing God's image. God is in the car with me on my life's road-trip, and He wants me to (as cliche as this may be) sit back and enjoy the ride. :) 

So Father, this is me taking your hand, buckling myself in to the passenger seat, picking up the pencil, ready to follow you, to trace your steps. As these worldly wants and "needs" cloud my mind, help me de-fog. Honk the horn if You have to. YOU are my deepest desire and my most vital necessity. YOU are the warmest, most comforting and rejuvenating embrace, and I want to live, rest, eat, breathe in Your arms. Thank you for always welcoming me back in :) 

Thoughts: Stress & Worries & Life

I don't like to begin any blog post with a negative statement, but I don't know any other way to begin this story. 

I'm three weeks deep in my second year at Cal Poly and already chasing my load of homework/studying while desperately praying that God would attach just a few mores hours at the end of each day. Between classes, my internship, said homework/studying, blogging, and spending much-needed time with my friends, adjusting to the abrupt transition from summer relaxation to academic hustle and bustle has been exactly that. 

Oh, and I'm going vegan. Last week, I removed animal products from my diet in hopes of a) simply switching things up (I like change and variety and excitement... and food) and b) on a deeper level, truly testing out a fully plant-based lifestyle. Read more about all that here. After about three days, I'd pretty much made up my mind in favor of sticking with veganism long-term, but I reminded myself that three days is just not long enough for my body to adjust to a relatively new set of eating habits. I was thrilled and fueled by the absence of bloating, fatigue, and dietary restrictions, and couldn't wait for the week to be over so I could just make the switch then and there - no questions asked, no turning back. 

But school work started piling up and my To-Do list grew longer and longer. I was sacrificing sleep to make time for shortening that list, memorizing statistics terms, and reading chapters upon chapters for History and Journalism classes. Of course, anxiety and stress tagged right along and stole even more sleep. I noticed that I wasn't as hungry anymore, which was a foreign concept to me - Hungry is my name. What's going on? Is this a side-effect of veganism? I wondered. It can't be. Have you seen how much food vegans can polish off? My confusion probably created more stress. It's a vicious cycle, isn't it? 

Everything around me triggered sensitivity spikes - if friends or family wouldn't respond to a text quick enough, if teachers assigned extra reading or a pop-quiz, if a distracted pedestrian stepped into the bike lane without first looking both ways. I knew I needed to understand what was taking control of me so that I could calm down and rejuvenate. Touchy-tempers, anxiety, and mood-swings are not who I am. 

On Monday morning, right after my workout and just before heading out the door, I opened up "Jesus Calling" to read that day's devotional. "Remember that joy is not dependent on your circumstances," read the first line. I looked around my room, actually suspicious of hidden cameras or microphones somewhere documenting the past few days of my life. OKAY THIS IS WAY TOO ACCURATE, GOD. YOU'RE SCARING ME. Book slammed shut, face buried in my pillow, I was disappointed in myself for forgetting that slice of God's promise (yes, His promise is more delicious than your favorite pie). I prayed for God to work on my heart, to restore the precious positivity I thrived off of only a few days ago, and let the first line of that day's devotional make itself comfortable in my heart and mind. 

And with that, God went to work. He reshaped my attitude, cleaned up my mindset, and rearranged my priorities. "Your midterm, your homework, your expectations, your busy weekend - all of it - give it to me. I want to take care of it because I know what to do with it all. I love you Haley, but you don't know what you're doing when it comes to this stuff," I heard Him say. 

I'm writing this in my journalism notebook somewher eover Colorado, and my previous flight had been delayed a few times. As if I weren't stressed out enough, I'd now have to race to my connecting flight. Hoping to spark up some conversation to ease my worried mind (it tends to worry, if you haven't noticed), I leaned over to the man next to me and said, "These delays can be a little inconvenient, huh?" to which he responded instantly, but with a relaxation I'd been longing for for almost a week, "Well, you can't worry about what you can't control." Later on, I overheard him say he was scheduled for a connection flight even earlier than mine. HA. At that point, I figured it was in my best interest to to just shush up and sink quietly and humbly back into my seat. 

The more I allow life's little "inconveniences" to take up space in my mind, the less I allow myself to enjoy, to rejuvenate, to taste, to sleep, to smile. This is not a lesson I learned solely by subtracting animal products from my diet, or by reading "Jesus Calling" every morning and praying for peace, or by watching YouTube videos on everything from vegan recipes to living in the moment. This is a lesson I learned by listening to my mind, my heart, and my body, by spending more time deep in God's word and presence and love, by humbling myself enough to admit that I need help.

God has curriculum individually designed for each one of us, so the ways in which I came to this realization might be different from the ways in which you already have or will, and that's why I'm sharing this. My experiences with stress do turn out positive at the end, at the finish line celebration, but I'm making it a goal to start the celebration at the beginning of the race and never let it end. *insert "life's too short" quote here*. Just like the guy on the plane said, why should I worry about it, why give it my irreplaceable time and energy if there's nothing I can do about it? 

Embrace it. Soak it up. The valleys we walk through are full of opportunities. When I find myself traversing through those valleys with my eyes closed and head down, I blind myself. I inadvertently ignore the abundance of blessings with which that valley and every other peak and river in life are bursting. 

Stress seems inevitable. That's truth - I know. But read that sentence again. It seems inevitable. Talk to God, confess to Him your fears. Laugh with your friends and family because that's what they're there for. Eat good food - potatoes were meant to baked, PB & J to be the best of friends, and fruits and vegetables to be your number one source of fuel. 

Life is abundant and beaming and bursting and glowing and that's exactly how God designed it for you and me. He doesn't want us to miss out on any of that, so He tells us to find comfort in Him and to bring to Him our worries and fears. When we surrender those, the clouds move away and the sun takes its place high up in the sky. SOAK IT UP :) 

So, Vegan or Not?

Drum roll please! 

wait for it.... waaaaaaait for it.....

VEGAN! *cheers and applause and happy tummies and all the benefits that come with veganism*

Yepp, I'm going vegan. After a week of eating nothing but fruits, vegetables, grains, beans, and other animal-product-free foods, and after watching a few documentaries (have you seen "101 Reasons to Be Vegan"?), I can't think of anything better for 1) me - my digestion, my skin, my energy level and more, and 2) the planet - you know what I'm talking about. 

I'm stoked to start this journey. Up until now, I'd always thought by sticking to a vegan diet, I'd have to kiss culinary excitement goodbye and variety and be forced to restrict myself to just baked potatoes and brown rice protein powder. After this week, not only did that misconception's popularity become evident, but so did its invalidity. Plain old beans, rice, veggies, and fruits make the best foundations for flavor combinations and experimentation! I've made condiments like tahini dressing and homemade ketchup, and by doing so, eliminated weird additives and chemicals.

Veganism brings with it a newfound sense of freedom. I no longer worry about carbs, because I know how much my body needs them and I'm eating the right ones. I don't track my food anymore, because I promised myself I'll listen to my body's cravings and not let "too much fat" or "too many carbs" dictate my food choices.

Oh, and I also watched one documentary - "101 Reasons to Be Vegan" - this week, which practically tugged me by the heart into everything a plant-based lifestyle has to offer. No animal cruelty, no more indigestion, no more unintentionally/unknowingly supporting factory farming, and the list goes on. I have yet to watch more documentaries, because I have yet to figure out how to add more hours in the day, but "Forks Over Knives", "Food, Inc.", and "Cowspiracy" are at the top of my must-watch list. 

To sum things up, I'm going vegan and I'm proud and pumped and NO I will not annoyingly push a vegan lifestyle on anyone. Your life = your choices. All I can do is set an example that portrays my beliefs and my life and my choices, and if others are curious to follow, then the vegan community and I welcome you with open arms and open hearts! 

Questions, comments, ideas, recipes, etc? Want to give veganism a try? Leave a comment below or email me! I'd love to share my experience and any advice I can with you :) happy eating! 

Faith: Running My Race

On the track, the popularity and usage of this verse is equivalent to that of Philippians 4:13. To me, it's overused and placed in the wrong context, so it's never been one of those key verses I keep in the back of my mind. I've also had trouble understanding what "race" God is talking about, but He made everything clear to me this morning in church. 

By "us", God is pointing to each of us in His kingdom as individuals. Read it as though God is talking to YOU - not "us", not your bible study, not your family. Just you. Run the race God has set for ME. Okay, but what race? In Jeremiah 29:11, God assures us that He has a plan for our lives, and that plan is this race He's referring to in Hebrews. 

I'll be the first to admit that finding community in Christ was not only the highlight of my freshman year, but also the very blessing that equipped me with everything and more I needed to thrive. BUT alone time, quiet time, one-on-one time with God is absolutely essential. Establishing, maintaining, and prioritizing that relationship first is the foundation for eternal life with Him - it's the beginning of the race and the endorphins that fuel endurance throughout. 

When the pastor dove deeper into this verse, God reminded me of habits like comparison, jealousy, and pride.... yeah, guilty. They seem almost impossible to avoid - magazines practically advertise the powers of photoshop more than clothing, cars, homes, etc., and the constant encouragement to buy more, do more, be more doesn't leave us alone. While giving in to those habits is easy, it's also like trying to run another person's race, and no matter how hard we push or how fast we run, we can't win someone else's race. 

God has already written my story and your story - He did so even before we were born - and He wants us to spend our lives with Him, reading that story. Be the main character; embrace every personality, every beauty mark, every imperfection - God smiles when we thank Him like that. 

I haven't been able to think about much else besides this topic today (except the fries I'm baking right now - I hope heaven smells like this), and I can hear God whispering to me about how it applies to my eating habits. Lately, I've bee fascinated by veganism and experimenting with it. Eating purely fruits, vegetables, grains, and nuts/beans/seeds seems to bring so much energy to those who adopt that lifestyle. If hundreds of other people love it, and I already eat similarly, why wouldn't I love it, too? 

Long story and lots of descriptive bodily functions short, it hasn't been working. I'm constantly hungry, tired in the afternoon, and bloated all day. No matter what any Insta-famous vegan says, the amount of sugar I feed my body in eating that much fruit just doesn't seem quite right. Oh, and, um, Greek yogurt? My bestie. Avocado + toast + fried egg = my favorite math equation. 

That's just me - those are some of the qualities God blessed me with. I love animals and I will never put animal flesh in my mouth again, but I don't think I was designed for a completely vegan diet. I feel energized, hydrated, satisfied, and healthy on a simple vegetarian diet. Whatever works for the HCLF vegans works for them, but not all of it works for me.

However, comparison, a little jealousy, and selfish pride still get the best of me. Sometimes I wish I could eat eight bowls of banana "ice cream", a farm-full of sweet potatoes, and bread to feed the 5,000, too. I long for the clear skin associated with veganism, and I cheer (sometimes rather loudly) for myself when I see ten new followers on my Instagram profile, but those concerns only slow me down in my race. Constantly craning my neck to check the pace of runners behind me or next to me pushes me farther behind. 

Replace those thoughts with gratitude, with a little self-love and positivity. Respect yourself and appreciate and embrace your character in God's story for you. Run your race to see Him at the finish line. As with all marathons, your muscles will ache, your throat will burn, and your mind might let some discouragement in every once in a while, but God's words are here to rejuvenate you every single day. He wants nothing more than to help you run your best race ever. 

God's pretty cool, huh? 

Thoughts: "Last Time's"...

Quick question - what's the deal with "last time's" You know, your last shift with your favorite co-worker, your last family-dinner before you move out, your last beach trip before school starts... 

I've been thinking a lot about why we sort of obsess over our last time doing something, and at first, perhaps superficially, I looked at it as a) a way of dealing with our emotions and b) a (kind of silly) reason to put more effort into this last time (i.e. a fancy dinner, a class pizza party, an overnight beach trip, etc.). But as I let my mind roll around with those a little, I realized how presumptuous they are and that, while they may be applicable in some cases, I'm forgetting the last piece to the puzzle...

Our last time doing something is significant because, well, we won't get to do it ever again (usually). I sunk a little deeper into my seat when this thought popped into my head. Maggie (my dog) and I had just taken a little trip to PetSmart for some food and I looked over at her, perched up and comfy in the passenger seat next to me. Do dogs think about "last time's"? More importantly, is this my last car ride with my fluffy white pup? No, stop, Haley. Stop. 

Last time's are a big deal because they're the end of something routine, comforting, habitual, special, etc., and whatever comes after we reach that end is sometimes unknown; it could be change, and I'll be the first to admit that change is scary. It could also be loss - loss of a family member, loss of a friendship, loss of a job. 

So, they're like a street sign - "DETOUR AHEAD" or "ROAD CLOSED" or "SHARP TURNS AHEAD". Am I the only one who's palms get a little sweaty at the sight of those? I hope not. Adjusting to change is uncomfortable, and losing anyone/thing is devastating. In the soothing, angelic words of Adam Levine, "Nothing lasts forever but be honest babe, it hurts but it may be the only way..." 

Okay, so I just go through life knowing that everything will end and I just shouldn't make deep connections with anyone/thing because it'll be gone before I know it? No. That mindset blocks the opportunity for growth, experience, and even happiness. Maybe I'm just the last one to jump on the "Make the Best of Every Moment" train, and maybe Dr. Seuss's words, "Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened", finally sank in and found their place in my book.

We could spend all day pointing out and sighing over our last time doing this and our last time going here and our last time with this person and so on, but what room would that leave for celebration of our accomplishments? For anticipation and hopes for the future? For truly, wholly just living in the gosh-darn moment. 

I don't really know how else to end this other than by promising myself not to live as though each moment is my last, because I'd be running around balling hysterically taking pictures with friends and family, tasting food from every restaurant I never made time to visit, and trying to sky-dive at the same time. It'd be pure madness. Instead, I want to promise myself to find the "happy" in as many moments as possible each day, express gratitude for those, and let them fuel my values and morals for the rest of my life. 

Thank you for reading along as I sort through my own thoughts - means the world to me :) 

Keep coming back 'cause I'm allllllllways thinking about something! 

ONE YEAR OF BLOGGING! What I've Learned

Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday Hungry Haleeeeeyyyyy...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME :) Sorry if that was a little conceited, but I just had to. 

A year ago today, I launched my blog! Ahh, I remember it so well - my parents and I sat in their office at around 8:00 pm, and I looked at my dad and said, "It's ready to go!" Finally, I thought. After a couple minutes of anticipation while my technologically-advanced Pops clicked left and right and here and there (it felt like hours had gone by), Hungry Haley was live! What was really weird was the tears streaming down from my eyes - not like I was balling hysterically, but more like "oh my gosh I can't believe this is happening and people are actually going to see my recipes and hopefully try them and read about everything I've gone through and wow I'm on the internet" tears. 

I really don't like crying, but I was okay with it in that moment - God stirred lots of excitement with a little disbelief, I guess, and I just let myself bask in that strange, tingly feeling :) 

And here I am again, typing away on my computer in the same place I started. This time, the tears are fueled by excitement for the future - for all the tasting, cooking, cooling, learning, growing ahead of me - and awe of how powerful and permanent God has been in my life during just the past year alone. 

He sent me off to college on my own, even though He knew I was scared to death. He spoke quietly to me before I found Cru and a bible study, and encouraged me to, well, get involved in those things. He welcomed me back into His deep, constant, incredible love and showed me a community that was the epitome of that love. And he provided a place for me share that with all of you. Of course, there was a little food involved, too... 

Actually, A LOT of food was involved. I love running, and I love writing and taking pictures and laughing with friends and family, but cooking, experimenting, baking, measuring, and tasting make up the magic vehicle that completely takes me to another world - it pulls me out of whatever mess I'm in, whatever stress I'm drowning in, and transports me to my place of peace and comfort and fascination with what God has provided for me. 

Part of what first brought me into this world, however, was an eating disorder - something I was too proud to admit to for almost a year. I've recovered, but I haven't forgotten about it. I've put it behind me, but I can't bury it and pretend it never happened. My eating disorder was one of God's ways of showing me that HE has control, and that I just can't do this life on my own. It was also an opportunity for Him to tell me that I am not perfect, and I never will be. And while those three points may seem discouraging, through my recovery they became the most empowering and encouraging words God has whispered to me. In fact, they might be some of the most valuable words He ever will speak to me. 

I've tried every single "diet" out there - gluten-free, Paleo, vegan, low-carb/high-fat and vice versa - and I've gotten stuck inside the label of each one. I forgot that God didn't design me to fit into any label or to be *dramatic pause* perfect in any way. 

I'll say it again - I can't be perfect. I'm just not made to be flawless and mistake-less and scratch-free. Sharing that and the freedom and pure joy I've found in embracing my imperfections is part of God's will for Hungry Haley. Vulnerability, humility, and strength were gifts I needed - without them, I never would've shared anything but ingredients and instructions on this blog. 

You may be surprised when I tell you that the most consistent and infallible lesson God patiently taught me during the past year (and continues to teach me everyday) is that I can't carry out His will for my life without these three things...

• passion for Him and for what He has called me to do

• community - friends & leaders for support, encouragement, laughter

• love for myself & for my savior

I've tried my hand at life without at least one of these three things several times, and (surprise surprise) each time I'm like an infant trying to transition from a perfectly built tricycle to an unstable, garage-sale unicycle. That's when I mess up; that's when pancakes don't turn out fluffy, when sweet potatoes burn, when muffins are dry and inedible. Fun fact - you'll see me on a unicycle as soon as my grandpa eats tofu. In other words, NOT GONNA HAPPEN. 

Life-changing moments often go unnoticed when they happen, and then later on, when we look back on them, we're amazed (or thankful or mournful or whatever type of emotion that matches, depending on the situation). But I had a feeling in that moment, in the office with both my parents that night, scooted to the edge of the chair, waiting rather impatiently as my heart beat as fast as it always did at the starting line of the 800m, that this was, well, I don't know really know how to describe it.... huge and exciting and frightening and full of responsibility and learning and cooking and everything else I'm passionate about. And life-changing :) 

God's work is absolutely stunning and humbling when I give Him the reigns (or when I let Him type, I guess, would be a more fitting description here). If nothing else, let this be inspiration and motivation for you as well to take a minute and allow the one who saved you to whisper His plans into your ear. Ask Him to open your eyes to opportunities for love, strength, joy, freedom, whatever it may be that you've needed. I prayed and prayed and prayed and I still do, and I fall in love with a new blessing in my life every single day, and now, because of Hungry Haley, I get to share it with you guys! Thank you for reading - you have no idea how much your continuous support means to me. 

Here's to more recipes, more pictures, more tasting, more pancakes and waffles and tempeh tacos and falafel, and more learning ahead. I'm hungrier now than I ever have been and I can;t wait to chase this passion with God for the rest of my life!

Kissing Perfection a Permanent Goodbye

When people describe me, my heart does a little dance when I hear them say "mature, confident, disciplined, outgoing, humorous" and things like that. Those are all positive qualities, ones I admire in others, too. 

But sometimes, I hear someone chuckle and say, "Perfectionist." The fact that it's a not the best quality to have is noticeable in their eyes and their voice. It's true, though. I've been a perfectionist my whole life, and that's what helped fuel my ED. If you've gone through an ED, you know what I'm talking about. If you haven't, I guess the best way to describe how I felt was that everything needed to be, well, perfect - no giving in to cravings, no eating more than minimal, no body fat allowed, etc. Perfectionism was even powerful enough to convince me that I can rely on my own desires sometimes, and to distract me from the comfort of trusting in God's will. 

Yes, I've recovered from my ED, but a lingering struggle prevented me from understanding that I. can't. Be. Perfect. And it was in my life even before my ED began - it was the constant self-reminder that I must be flawless when it comes to eating, when it comes to body shape, when it comes to grades and homework and tests and blah blah blah. It's frustrating and it took control of my life for about three years. 

And I'm letting it go. 

Perfectionism has a loud knock, but I choose whether or not to answer the door. When I let it inside, it tells me when and what to eat, how I should look, what size I should be, etc. And who is this so-called "Perfection" to determine all of that for me? 

Just like I found freedom in recovering from my ED, I find peace in letting go of perfection. I am me. I am Haley Elizabeth Hansen. I am 19 years old. I am a follower of Jesus Christ. I am a Cal Poly SLO Mustang. I am single as a pringle. I am constantly curious and forever hungry for delicious food.

And I am the daughter of a gracious, merciful Father who loves me just as I am. Why did I look for comfort and strength showing "perfection" when God's perfect, unchanging, everlasting love is, well, all of those things and more? I don't know the answer to that, and I don't need to, because I've already let go of the need to be sparkly clean. 

This doesn't mean I'll be out drinking and swearing and not giving a fudge about life anymore; it just means that I won't let mistakes, upsets, fear, calories/fat/sugar, and unnecessary distractions get in the of my happiness and, most importantly, this Divine Romance between God and me. 

• I choose an un-planned day full of adventure over a set schedule that makes my happiness as fragile as glass. 
• I choose starting constant communication with my savior over constant self-checks for perfection. 
• I choose homemade scones, juicy veggie burgers, indulgent desserts, and a forever-long food-adventure with one or two extra pounds over restricted "healthy" eating plans and a toned six-pack. 

There are no words to explain how absolutely, breathtakingly amazing this feels. And I'm okay with that, because I always struggle to find sufficient words to describe God's love, too. If you've ever felt or currently are feeling something similar, talk to someone. Don't bottle it up and try to handle it on your own, because it's that mindset of "I can do it on my own" that starts the mess, anyway. It's okay - let your guard down, show a little weakness, and accept and embrace the innumerable beauty marks God has gracefully given you. 

You're flawless in His eyes - striving for perfection on earth is exhausting, emotionally and physically damaging, and, let's face it, impossible. Just be exactly what you are, eat what makes you healthy, energetic and happy, and do what builds your excitement and stretches your smile! 

My Purely Positive Goal

Quick question I’d like for you to ponder before you begin reading: how many minutes of your day do you spend laughing? How many times do you let yourself sit back, take a deep breath, a smile in acknowledgement of the beauty God surrounds us with?

I make goals for myself all the time. If you follow me on instagram, you’ll read about those goals. Some days, my goal is to read three chapters for school (a bold one). Others, it’s to push myself to stay active all day rather than just for a 30-minute HIIT workout. Setting these daily goals has encouraged me to, well, accomplish them. The other day, I captioned my picture on instagram with my goal, simply because I couldn’t think of a clever caption. That simple caption – that day’s goal – has become a promise I’ll make to myself every single day.

Lately, I’ve been missing my home in SLO (yes, you can call it “SLOme”) – my friends, my church, my confidence that I established there. I send up prayers each day that God will help me stay close to Him and that he’ll keep my focused first and foremost on my relationship with Him no matter where I am. He hears me and He cares for me – I know that, but I’ve been struggling on my own part. Leaving my daily-devotional until right before bed when I’m too exhausted to give it any energy, wasting wishes on a boyfriend, and simply letting the amazing fact that Jesus died on the cross for me slip to the back of my mind and rest there until I finally open my bible.

On Monday night, I finished my devotional and lie in bed listening to my favorite worship music, trying my hardest to shove every distraction that’s been following me around for the past two months out of my head. I begged God to help me, to lift those heavy rocks out and handle them because I just can’t. Frustration settled in as the perfect song that put my feelings into lyrics wouldn’t play in my ears, I quit clicking the “skip” button, closed my eyes, and hoped the next song would, well, squeeze me out of this distraction-maze I was lost in.

“Have Your Way” by Britt Nicole came on. If you’ve never heard it, I encourage you to find the lyrics and listen to the song. Britt’s words seem to match, or maybe perfectly describe, just about any struggle you try to handle on your own. Of course, tears came and with them, I heard God say something like, “Just trust me. I love you in Chino Hills just like I love you in SLO. Let me have control again.” And that was absolutely all I needed to hear.

I woke up on Tuesday morning with no intention of my usual gym-session or 5 mile run. I filled 20 minutes of my morning with some power yoga and then refueled with a big bowl of strawberry-banana sweetness (aka “nice-cream”), snapped a pic and posted it, and walked my fluffy friend around our neighborhood to get a head start on my stepping-goal (for my fitbit) before a long day at work.

That caption, daily-goal included, set the tone for my entire day – pure positivity. And the author? You could say it was me, because I typed it, but God deserves the credit. He wrote it, and by doing so has completely changed my way of thinking. By helping me recognize negative thoughts/feelings when they come and immediately flipping them around into a productive alternative that embraces whatever benefits the situation has to offer, God has shown me that the source of most of those distractions that fog my windshield and try to push my faith and happiness farther down my list of priorities is a loss of control to powerful negativity. When I let these distractions – the fears, worries, and concerns about what’s happening or what could happen – consume my thoughts, I let them push to the back of my mind the blessings I’m surrounded by.

If this idea sounds too complex, or maybe too cheesy, too good to be true, pray for an open mind. Pray for the willingness, desire, passion to seek out the positivity He’s filled each day with. When these daily blessings become your focus, they have more power, more uplifting energy that turns every potentially gloomy thought into a bright, optimistic reminder of God’s love.

And that’s the magic. If God is a magician, his best performances are the ones that leave us in awe of His grace and mercy, and ultimately turn us – His audience – into his sidekicks, living to glorify His name and His crazy, crazy love. This morning, He reminded me of all this in Phillipians 4:8 –

“And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.”

— Philippians 4:8, NLT

With all of that being said, what I want for you to understand most from this, is that it’s really not that hard. I’m not preaching that we all paste smiles on our faces like clowns, but rather that we favor the thoughts that bring joy, laughter, even motivation and encouragement.

It’s been about two weeks since I started, and some days have come and gone smoothly, leaving me more hyped up and smiley than ever, and some days have come and gone much slower than the others, leaving behind some questions and a few situations I could spend lots of time and energy worrying about. So, to promise you that maintaining a purely positive mentally would be unrealistic.

What I can promise you, if you stick to it with prayer, optimism, and faith, is growth and a little more maturity (there’s always room), laughter and maybe some more of that youthful imagination and creativity, motivation and productivity, and, for those of us who have given our lives up, an even stronger relationship with Jesus.

Please, give it a try. Don’t quit when a negative thought comes to mind, just turn it around and ask God what He’s showing you. Start right now, or start tomorrow. Whenever you choose to, just start.

Don’t forget to share it with me, too! As always, tag me and #hungryhaley on instgram when you try a recipe, and now you can hashtag #purelypositive to show me some more. I can’t wait to see your experiences! Thank you again for reading, and I wish you guys happy days of pure positivity!